Friday, March 31, 2006

Bad Attitude

Sad, bored, restless. And I still have too much to do.
Really frustrated with the weight. Gave it a super push the last 2
weeks, went all out on diet and exercise. Lost 1/2 lb. Ugh.
Talked to the D.J. friend tonight. He said he cut his calories
to 1000, and is working out like a maniac. He, of course, lost 15
lbs. this month. Double Ugh.

I only have to make it until Tuesday, to see what I can do about the
drugs. I'm going off of them, one way or another. Hopefully the
doctor will agree to an adequate substitute. I'd still like to try
something else. I'm not getting any better.

I accidentally deleted all the email today that I was very fond
of and wanted to keep. It made me crabby, and I'm trying to let
it go. I still have my memory (though it is pretty faulty) :(

I have to finish my reading for tomorrow's therapy session where I
get to tell her I am not co-dependent. The book just didn't bear it
out at all. I didn't recognize myself anywhere. When I took a lot of
Psychology in college, they warned you that by the end of the class
you would think you had every mental problem in the book, but it was
a matter of degree that caused you to be abnormal. Sure enough, we
all thought we were obsessive, neurotic, paranoid psychotics by the
end of class. This book wasn't like that. I keep trying to find a
behavior I did have, and failed.

Maybe I just have a bad attitude.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Pictures from 1st Million Words Blog

I salvaged my favorite photos from my last blog and have put them
on my Flicker account.

I put a link on the right sidebar of this blog for your easy viewing
pleasure. Enjoy!

Run Away

"Looks like I've lost my will to carry on my friend, she said
And you can hear it in my whispered cries for love
I need your blissful talks to carry me away again
So can we roll tonight run through your desert
Can we just start over?

And just run away, run away tonight
It ain't no victory, but I don't care
I don't care if it's wrong or right
We could just run away, run away tonight
It ain't no victory, but I don't care
I don't care if it's wrong or right"

-- From my favorite song by the band Live - "Run Away"

That is about the only thought in my head, right now.
Just that song playing over and over.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Purple Avenger?



Is it Super Hero Sue? And her trusty sidekick disguised as a cocker spaniel dog? No, it's just a picture I like of my purple velvet shirt that I posted shortly before taking my last blog down. So here it is again. Make up your own goofy fantasy about it :) ...

FantasyLand Hero

When I don't like my life, I find I retreat further into fantasies
in my head. I'm replaying my favorite one again these days. Where
I find I am unknowingly a host to a spirit that is gatekeeper for
the Earth and I have to bravely stop invasions of lethal creatures
that breech into our dimension at my workplace. I have a huge
energy sword, pulled from my own body, and can use tremendous
power drawn from the earth. Nothing original, but it entertains
me.

One of my interviewees, Anthony, said that he had a bad "super-hero
complex". He really wanted to be one. I can relate. All of my
fantasy worlds in my head have me cast as someone with super
powers of some kind or another. I don't think of the usual comic
book superhero, but a beautiful woman with lighting swords, and
psychic powers. What does it mean, that you want to be a hero?
(but what you really are is a rather lazy geek...) Being a hero
would actually be more work than I could handle....

Probably don't get regular meals, or much in the way of sleep as a
super hero. I guess that is why they are just fantasy.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Oh! Comments?

Man, I did think it was weird that I hadn't gotten a single comment
since I started the new blog, but I rarely get them, so I didn't
think more about it. A reader (thanks Steve!) pointed out that he
had posted and the comments weren't appearing, and did I maybe
have a setting on that was waiting for me to approve the comments?

I went looking, and I found 14 comments I didn't know about! Oh my,
they were all so wonderful and loving and supportive. Thanks so
much Manly Geek, Steve, David, Phil, and a few more. Wow. I got
such a warm rush, reading them all at once. I don't feel so alone.
Thank you all, so much! I guess I'm not as good a techno-geek as
I thought. I'm glad I found them all now, though. I've turned off
moderation mode, so hopefully the comments will all go up.

Today was pretty darned neutral. Just worked, and thought a lot.
I keep wishing for a magical rescue, I think. I don't know how to
fix the brain chemicals so I can feel happy, nothing else seems
to work. I see the Psychiatrist on April 4th and hope to try
different drugs. Until then I'm just on hold, I guess. But I
now expect anything I try to work for awhile, and then stop working.
I don't have a lot of hope for them, but I have to keep trying.

I think the therapy will be interesting, but again, I've been
such an introspective person my whole life, I'm pretty familiar
with everything that goes on "upstairs". I don't delude myself
a whole lot, so I'm not sure what I will get out of it that is
new information. Maybe just some tips and tricks that might help.

Anyways, please - keep commenting! I enjoyed them so much!

Monday, March 27, 2006

Connections

I had a very good evening connecting up with a friend. I felt
happy during that. That is making me think about the only times I
feel good anymore. It is when I am connecting with someone - a
friend, or someone I am interviewing for the show. It seems to be
the only times I am not depressed. That connection aspect seems to
be awfully important, but I'm not sure what to do with it.
I wish I could go through life having really deep conversations
with everyone, but that just doesn't happen.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Evolve, Dammit!

Been thinking about that book "The Road Less Traveled" that I
read. If mankind's purpose is to spiritually evolve into the
God force, how do you do it? I don't believe in any of the
Earth's religions - they all end up being kind of petty and
limiting. You can't evolve through man's dogma. That can only
hold you back, hold you down.

Can you evolve on your own? How do you do it? Will the path of
love and helping people really get you there? I can only help a
couple of people at a time. Very slow. There has to be a lot more
to it. What am I missing? What am I overlooking? I wonder what
people feel when they say they feel the God force? I don't feel
anything. I only feel the 'people force'.

Now I'm reading my homework book - "Codependent No More".
And I've finally realized that I'm not codependent at all. I
have the life experiences that could make me one, but I don't fit
the profile at all. They have a triangle of action "rescue, anger,
victim". They rescue someone, do everything "for" them, get angry
when not appretiated, and feel victimized. I don't do that.
I put up with a lot of shit from people I care about, but
ultimately if they start being cruel or messing with me in an
unkind way, I can and have walked away. I couldn't do that if
I didn't respect myself and think I deserved to be treated well.

I asked Cay about it. He said, no, you are not a 'caretaker', you
are a 'caregiver'. You don't do things "for" people, you teach them
how to do things. I guess he is right. I'm far too lazy, I don't try
to control people - that would be far too much work. I find
delight in seeing what they are going to do, once I give them the
skills to do it themselves. Control is boring. Surprises are not.

I never get angry or feel victimized or unappretiated. I give and
teach, because I love to do so. If they fail at what I tried to
show them, it is sad, but maybe they are just slow to learn. I
know somewhere down the road it might make a difference to them.
Many need to hear something more than once, before it takes.

So great! I found one problem I don't have. Now I have to figure
out what is holding me back. Why am I incapable of being happy?

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Fun Lists are Fun

It turns out that making "fun" lists with people is rather fun :)
I added onto my list today when IM'ing to a friend in Tokyo.
He opened the session, supposedly after reading yesterday's post,
insisting IM-ing friend's in Tokyo would be considered fun!
It was.

If any of you out there have suggestions, please add comments
to this post! I need all the help I can get in thinking of
fun. I'm having a hard time coming up with anything I would
think would really be fun. My list is just stuff that might
be interesting. For a bit. Maybe.

I went to a bookstore today (to get 2 books that were assigned as
part of my therapy "homework"). Found some exquisite blank book
journals and got one for Cayenne. I instead, bought a Japanese
"Lucky Cat" statue. The silly, smiling white cat with it's paw
raised in greeting. It made me smile, so I got it for my cube
at work. It is supposed to bring good luck. I could use some of
that action.

Also got a converter for my GameBoy so I can play it on the
Game Cube. I have some goofy "Hamtaro" games, and some pinball,
and it would be nice to play it on the big screen. It was on
my fun list to play silly video games. Ha! Now I can justify
anything, by saying "it was on my fun list". (Having a dozen
lovers would be fun - think I'll add it to the list! ;) )
When my therapist asked how my sex drive was, I said "Oh,
I have plenty of that!", and made her laugh.

Felt pretty sad most of today. My brain feels kind of dead in
the emotional department. There is this gloomy pall over
everything I do. It is almost impossible to have fun when
nothing happens when you are doing things you like. Otherwise
the brain functions fine. I'm finishing up books, and starting on
my reading assignment. Read up some more on drugs, and the
combinations neurotransmitter drugs. I'm convinced I should try
one of those. What do I have to lose?

Friday, March 24, 2006

Therapy Report - have FUN?

The hour before I had to go to my therapist for the first time, I
felt really nervous. I'm not sure why. More of the resistance to
the idea? I really don't want a therapist. So bourgeois!

But I went, and filled out paperwork for a half an hour. Then
I went and talked to the therapist (a middle aged woman - I felt
comfortable with) for over an hour. Mostly it was a million
questions, so she could come up with a treatment plan.

I liked her o.k., so I'm going back weekly for awhile. She nailed
a couple of things right off. She knew right away that I was
a "caretaker" type. I knew that, but hadn't realized why. From
about the age of 6, I had to take care of my sister and my mom
sometimes, and my dad was always gone. Often I was the force of
will in the family, because I had to make decisions for everybody.
My sister is a paranoid schizophrenic, and my mom had her
breakdowns.

She also got out of me that one of the factors in being depressed
as a child, was I was really, really smart. I could read and write
at 3. I had a college reading level at the age of 8. I always felt
out of step and different than the other kids, because I didn't
relate to them, but I really wanted to be one of them. I hadn't
ever thought of it that way. Hmmmm, this therapist might be
clever, after all. I'll have to keep an eye on her....

Then she gave me homework!!! I didn't know you got homework. She
wants me to read a book on co-dependency (a danger for caretakers),
and I am required to have "fun" once a day. Fun?? I panicked. I
can't think of anything to do every day that is "fun".

I went out after work for the usual dinner and beer with my D.J.
friend, and we sat around for a couple hours and tried to think
of things that I would find fun. It is a pathetically short list.
And not really fun. Just stuff that I might enjoy a bit.
There are a lot of things I kind of enjoy, like my shows and
learning things, but those are more like work. They take an effort.

We tried to come up with just silly, frivolous things, with no
redeeming social value. We didn't do very well. Strange, the
director of my company just told us that in the work ahead, we
had to promise to take our vacations and "have fun". There. Two
people have required me to "have fun" in one week.

And I don't know how!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Nonlove?

"....nonlove is the unwillingness to extend oneself. Laziness is
love's opposite. Spiritual growth is effortful...."
from The Road Less Traveled by M.Scott Peck

I'm nearly done reading that book. He has many interesting insights,
some I disagree with, but many of his ideas are quite good. I found
his ideas about love worth pondering. He thinks love is the
willingness to extend yourself to help with the spiritual growth
of another, or yourself. Spiritual, meaning something like "human
spiritual/mental growth and evolution".

He put love in perspective for me. If I am willing to exceed my
limits for another, despite fear, discomfort, risk, and laziness -
that must be love. If I want them to be a better person, to be
happy and genuinely want to help them along the path they have
chosen, that is love.

Does it have to be "mutual"? That is a little tougher. It is a
lot more nurturing to the self, I believe, if it is mutual - it
keeps the vessel from becoming empty so quickly, but I don't
think it is required.

People who go to other countries as volunteer doctors or workers
to help impoverished of disaster areas have to be doing it out
of a love for humanity. They must get something back for it,
that makes them extend themselves so far from their normal lives
and comforts.

There isn't enough love to go around, that is for sure. So very
few are willing to "extend" themselves and change their inner
world maps to any great extent. Maybe they can do it to the
immediate family, sometimes - but rarely go beyond that to
friends, the community, strangers, and humanity at large.

Why can we not overcome our laziness and put more love into the
world? All of us out here, on the edges, need it so much.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Patience Sucks!

Work kept me running today, so I didn't have a lot of time to
think. Probably a good thing. When I did stop, I found I am fretting
about unresolved things. I want everything resolved, RIGHT NOW!

I don't want to be patient. Patience is a waste of time, and life
is short. The longer things go on that make you unhappy, the more
time that could have been better, is gone. Who decided patience
was a virtue? I think that is not a well thought out sentiment
at all! Isn't it better to tackle things now, and get them out of
the way? I don't understand why people "aren't ready" or "need
more time". Why? Nothing gets better in that duration - everybody
just feels rotten. Am I the only one like this?

I rushed home for another Skype interview for my show with one
of the three Webmasters for the Marine Corps. Now there is an
odd job... He was lively and very upbeat, and I enjoyed talking
with him. I think I do the show just so I have a cheap excuse to
talk to people all over the world. They all sound like people I
would love to meet and get to know. Life on the Web. It is not
quite an adequate replacement for real life - but lacking one,
it is better than nothing.

I now have 3 interviews recorded and ready to edit. So I think
I'll take the weekend off and do nothing podcast related whatsoever.
I need to have a weekend back to do, er, something weekendish.

I'm scheduled to see a therapist for the first time this Friday.
I just don't know what to think. I don't think it will help -
Dysthymia Depression is the one exception to much success with
talk therapy.

I realized today I was feeling pretty crushed from both times the
drugs stopped working. It's been 6 months now, and 2 drugs. If I get
my hopes up that things will really get better this time, when they
don't I feel --- betrayed??? My overly exuberant levels of hope often
set me up for a bigger fall.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

So, I am a nut

One of the blogs I read had a link to one of those Quiz Farm things.
He came out heavily Republican (no surprise to him) so I couldn't
resist the quiz. Here are my results:

Green

75%

Anarchism

67%

Democrat

67%

Socialist

50%

Communism

33%

Fascism

17%

Nazi

8%

Republican

8%

What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In?
created with QuizFarm.com


A Green, Anarchist, Democrat, Socialist? I'm such an old radical!
I was surprised I scored that high on Anarchist, Socialism and
Communism. I really don't think those systems work. I guess it is
more about your ideals, than what you think will actually work in
real society. It is funny that I scored the same on Nazi and
Republican - dead last. I never did claim that I wasn't a nutty
idealist!

Today was variable. I seemed to rebound slightly, for the first
time in a month, and had a good time at work. I was very talkative,
social, and felt pretty good. Tonight, I'm more pensive and sad.

I feel like I've lost a lot out of my life, this last year.
The things that made it bearable, and give you happy thoughts.
The loves and the friendships that were so important to me.
The losses are coming faster than I can fill in the holes.
Like big pieces of my heart have been hacked away. Leaving a
future that seems so blank. Why do I still feel? You'd think
I would have learned better.

Monday, March 20, 2006

What else: Shows and Drugs!

A new video show is up - it's pretty funny, considering we did the
entire thing in 3 hours, with no idea of what we were going to film.
We had only one idea - something about "Man against Nature". And
as usual, it got totally out of hand from there.
Get it, at www.channelsurfingwipeout.com.

Strange health - last night I had muscle aches so bad I couldn't sleep.
I was a bit worried because 2 of the meds I'm on for diabetes and
cholesterol say to watch for "unexplained muscle aches". One means
your liver has failed, the other that you have lactic acidosis,
which is 50% fatal. Calming thoughts! I had no other symptoms
except my stomach hurt.

Then today, I got the chills at work and had to wear my jacket and
then I was feeling too hot, which made me feel better. It was
probably only the flu. But I've had a flu shot, so that was pretty
much it. By tonight, I felt well enough to exercise.

I have to get back to exercising every day. I've been too depressed
to care, but now I have now gained 15 pounds back because of the
anti-depressant drugs. I'd rather be depressed and thin. Grrrr.
I'm changing drugs as soon as I can. I'm going to keep dropping
my food intake until it starts coming off again. I'm getting
bored with the whole thing. Can you get bored with being depressed?
Will it just stop if you get bored enough? Probably not, but it is
a nice thought...

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Dreams, Depression, and Sleep

The David C. Interview is finally up. Turned out to be quite a
long edit, and I had to stop while we filmed a new video show
today. That should be up in a day or two. Between doing an
interview, editing another, and doing the video, my entire
weekend disappeared. I'm still doing too much podcasting!
(But it is awfully addictive, to have an audience, at last).

I started eating a lot better, and taking more vitamins. I'm trying
to follow the diet more from that book "The Chemistry of Joy" that
I mentioned. When I am awake, I feel physically not so sick.
I needed to nap a lot this weekend, but I think that is from the
depression getting gradually worse. The long slide begins, again.
Yuck...not a pleasant thought to know it is happening.

My dreams have been getting wilder and more frequent. I started
looking for common themes. I realize I dream about elevators,
escalators and stairways most of the time. I looked them up in
dream interpretations on the web. They all represent changes in
levels of consciousness (going up is supposed to mean going to
higher levels, or going down is descending into lower levels or
setbacks. I think they have all been about going down, lately).

I also dream about missing airline flights, showers, and swimming
pools in many dreams. Not sure what that is all about! Airport
departures interrupted, are supposed to mean a reluctance on the
dreamers part to change or transition. Showers are supposed to
be about the cleansing of old ideas. Swimming pools can be
about emotions, trust, social things. I never could make any
sense out of most of my dreams. Or my waking life, for that
matter! :) They both seem to have the same level of difficulty
to interpret.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Brain Stuff

I thought a lot about not having the chemicals to feel happiness.
I tried to feel happy. Nothing. I tried to remember being happy.
Nothing came to mind except those few days when the drug worked.
It is an odd concept. I'm not sure where to go with that.

Then I was too busy to worry about anything. I had another Skype
interview with a guy in Oklahoma. We talked for 2 1/2 hours!
Strangely it turns out he had been depressed his whole life,
and it bi-polar to boot. We went off on that for 20 minutes.
The interviews always click. No matter how scared they are or
how much they think they have nothing to say - hours go by with
them still talking. I think it is a strange gift to have - the
ability to get anyone to talk. What do you do with it? Become
an interrogator?

Then there were errands, and I got around to starting the edit on
the next show, which technically should have gone up tonight,
but I'm only half done. It was a long one, with my old roommate
David.

It is a special interview, and I am trying to do it justice.
He just had his 3rd major depressive episode where he required
hospitalization. I've been through 2 others with him, but this
was the worst yet, with the longest recovery. He finally wanted
to be interviewed to talk about what he'd been through. An
amazing inside view. I hope to get it posted tomorrow.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Help from a book

A friend of mine wrote last night, and recommended I get the book
"The Chemistry of Joy" by Henry Emmons. She said she found it
to be very helpful. So I went right out and bought it and read
over a third of it before bed. It helped quite a bit.

The first third of the book talks about depression from a Western
medicine view. He explained very well why the medicines stop
working for many people. Some people just don't manufacture
enough serotonin - they have no "reserves". Many people are this
way from childhood, due to genetics and environment. So when
anything bad happens, their body sucks up the small amount of
serotonin, and there is nothing left.

When there is no serotonin running around your brain, there is
nothing to calm you or make you feel good. Voila! Constant
depression. He also went through three major set of symptoms
and if they were caused by low serotonin, excess of domamine
and norepinephrine, or shortage of dopamine and norepinephrine.

I mostly matched the last one. Surprise! The drug I am on is
only for low serotonin. I did some research, and there is only
one anti-depressant that targets the dopamine/norepinephrine -
and that is Wellbutrin. I may be on the wrong drug!
I'll have to bring it up when I go in for a meds check with a
psychiatrist in early April. Not so far away - I can make it
that long, I think.

He also goes into diet advice for making more of the
neurotransmitters that you need. The drugs don't make more of
any of them, they just keep more of it circulating in your brain,
so you have half a chance of feeling good sometimes.
You know, I don't really have any Endorphins, either. My body
just doesn't manufacture anything that makes one feel good.

Everyone talks about the "high" they get from Endorphins when
they exercise hard. It never happens to me. My tattoo artist
said that everyone's Endorphins kick in from the pain while
she is tattooing, so the sessions aren't so bad. I went through
a 2 1/2 hour session, and they never kicked in. It was just
2 1/2 hours of pain. Stupid body!!!! I want "feel good"
chemicals just like everyone else has.

But I feel a little better, now that I understand what is
happening. I may not like it, but I can usually deal with things
if I understand them. The rest of the book looks at depression
from more Eastern points of view - Ayurvedic medicine, and
Buddhist mindfulness. There are various ideas on how to use those
ways to help.

If you suffer from depression, go get this book. It gives you
things you can do to help yourself, and not be such a victim of
your circumstances. A big thanks to my friend for telling me
about the book!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

No Help

I think the drugs have stopped working again. This seems to be a
similar pattern to the Prozac. They sort of worked, then I felt
good for a couple of weeks, then something in my body adjusts to
it, and the long slide back down.

The Lexapro worked for nearly 2 months, and then some bad stuff
happened that really threw me. Now my body seems to have
overcome the drugs, and I feel like I'm on my way down again.
This really sucks.

I really thought the drugs might help. I hoped fervently that
they would help, I so wanted some assitance in this fight - I
didn't want to have to face it alone. Now I'm not so sure.

I may have to do this myself after all...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

On Hold

Still wishing for that happy feeling. I'm not having a bad time,
days are busy with lots to do, joking around with people and
talking. But I just feel like I'm coasting along. Waiting for
something to happen. I keep returning to this state of being.
Why? Isn't that a terrific waste of time? Do I just keep
waiting until I die? And then what was I waiting for?

I want to be more proactive, and find some real meaning and
purpose. But I can't think of what to do.

So I just try to care for those around me, and make their lives
more fun and bearable. I feel good about that, but I would like
that warm inner feeling to come back. The times when I can
actually love others, and feel something good, not just empty.

But when I dare to love anyone, something bad always happens.
Being loved by me is apparently an evil thing?

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Split Second Happiness

I think I made it all the way up to neutral today. Which is weird
because I do laugh a lot. I have this strange sense of humor, and
things strike me as funny and I laugh. So am I happy for a just a
split second? Just for a few moments, I'll feel comfortable and
pleased, but then it quickly returns to a neutral baseline. Or worse.
This really is no way to live. I wonder what it is like for other
people. I'm really not sure.

It was equipment day, I spent most of the day dealing with computer
equipment of various kinds. I really, really like new equipment, the
more the better! I wonder why that is? I can't wait to set up new
stuff and see how it works. I'm not particularly good at it, I
just love doing it. I wonder if that is a super-geek gene that I
seem to have. I have always desired more and better tech toys.
I wonder if that is a kind of happiness. Why don't I know?

Monday, March 13, 2006

With Great Reluctance

When the symptoms of depression started coming back, I thought for
the rest of the weekend. My NP had referred me to a depression
program that is paid for by my medical plan. They left me several
messages but I ignored them. I just can't imagine talking to a
therapist. I don't like the idea. Maybe I think I'm smarter than
they are. I'm certainly smarter about who I am, I know exactly
what all is wrong with me, but I don't think there are any solutions.
So it seems like a waste of time and an imposition.

No one can fix the diabetes, the aging, the loneliness, that no
one ever loved me, the sadness at all the death I've seen, life's
suffering, my empathy with broken people, the overactive mind
that wants answers to everything, right now! I'm a problem
solver by nature. My life path is to try to fix everything.
(Strange, I break things for a living - but with the ultimate
goal of getting it fixed, I suppose.)

Whenever faced with a problem, even my own, I look at it from
every angle, study it extensively on the Web, and experiment
with what seems to be the best solutions. I've tried every herb,
vitamin, eating program, health regimes, self-help, drugs,
methods, whatever. I am my own guinea pig. I try everything
on myself. But I've never been able to find happiness. I don't
have an answer for that, and I don't think therapists do either.

However, the program manager scheduled me to see a therapist, a
lady this time (I didn't get on well with the old guys, the
couple of times I tried it in the past). And she also got me a
psychiatrist to monitor the medicines and try other combinations,
if needed. I didn't know that was really all they did - just
try to give you the right medicines. They don't do any
psychotherapy - that is what the psychologist does. I see one
in 2 weeks, the other in 3 weeks.

I gave in because I haven't really tried it, and I felt an
amazing amount of resistance in myself when I thought about
doing it. When I fight or resist something that hard, sometimes
I go ahead and do it, just to find out what all the resistance
was about. Often the thing I resist the hardest turns out to
be a good thing.

I just have to look at it as another experiment, a path to try
so I can report back to others on it. The great adventurer and
explorer! I wonder if that is how I really view myself? Or
maybe it is just a trick I play on my bratty child-self to
take the icky medicine?

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Afraid

I am afraid. The signs of depression are coming back. I've been
cut off in my head all weekend, and I see the symptoms
creeping back. I believed that I just had to get through the
difficult events, work things out and resolve them, and
I would just return to being happy again. But I don't know
what is going on. There is no resolution, I am alone.

I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't feel well.
My body feels old and tired. I feel sad and empty all the time,
again. I just want to sleep. Don't make me go back there!
I'm frightened!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Chilled

I had another Skype interview for my show today. The recording
program I was using had never worked well. It crashed a lot
during interviews! I bought a new one off the web last night
and stayed up late learning to use it. Unfortunately it doesn't
work with a USB headset, so I dashed out before the interview to
get a new stereo mic headset.

The new set-up worked wonderfully. My interview was with Rose
from the mountains. Lovely, dark, sad and wise Rose. She talked
of her struggles; being one of the only African Americans in her
very white communities, as a runner, and a Technology Specialist
with the library. I so enjoyed talking with her, and will put her
show up in 3 weeks. It is a thing of awe, talking to these people
from such a broad range of life experiences and places. I learn
from each one of them, they are my teachers.

I feel like I am opening up my mind and horizons from my living
room. It is almost as good as when I was traveling a lot. Though
the scenery was a bit better, then.

I'm still struggling to recover the joy of weeks ago.
It just isn't coming back. There is a long road ahead, I think,
and that makes me very tired. I miss that feeling I had, I crave
that feeling. It was such a small taste - I had such great hopes
that it was finally going to start turning around for me. So short,
so unfairly short, I held what had only been a dream.

So I put on my raincoat, huddle my shoulders against the biting
chill of life, and venture back out into the grey and stormy world.
I start the climb back up the that steep and oh so slippery hill.
What else can you do?

Friday, March 10, 2006

What is religion?

I'm still trying to get through "The Road Less Traveled" by M.
Scott Peck. I disagree with many thing he says, be he gets me
enough to keep me reading. I was somewhat dreading the section
on "Growth and Religion" - I thought he would get all religious
on me. But he surprised me so far. Two things he said, really
made me think.

One was "The path to holiness lies through questioning everything."
I liked that. No messages of blind faith, or just accept what
they tell you to believe. But question absolutely everything.
Now that sounds like me!

The other was "There is no such thing as a good hand-me-down
religion." He said that it had to be entirely personal to you.
I've always said that. I think everyone should invent their
own religion that works for them. Even if it is just science.
But again - even that should be heavily questioned, the
studies carefully scrutinized.

I took a class once that taught you how to really tear apart a
scientific study and make sure all the variables were properly
addressed and controlled, before you accepted the validity of
the experiment. They taught how to really critique science.
I learned a lot in that class - probably the knowledge I've
used the most in life, from all of my studies. Well that, and
acting. Acting is really handy to get you through your job,
meetings, how to seem polite to managers you want to strangle....

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Crying

I'm crying at work again. That is twice in 2 weeks. I virtually
never cry, so I'm having a hard time with this. No one saw me, so
I didn't have to explain anything. Labs are good for crying in.

I got an email today that hit me awfully hard. After everything
I've been through in the last few weeks, but had hung on because
I hoped I could do some good, it drove home that I again had lost
what I held most dear. I sent a brave-faced (lie) email, and then
cried for 2 hours. It's just been too much, and there has been no
help. I'm going through this alone, again. I hate being alone.

I get the same messages over and over from life - you're not
important, you don't matter, you are not lovable, no one will
love you if you are fat, thanks for all the help you've given
me, but I'm not willing to help you, I don't love you, you are
not attractive, we don't care about you, no one wants and ugly
girl, I just can't find the time for you, no I can't see your
play, your show doesn't interest me, Singing is your thing
dear but we won't come see you, I'm not willing to go out of my
way for you, you just aren't good enough. Over and over these
messages are beaten into me, over and over, the same things
happen. I get rejected, cut off, shoved aside, and pushed out of
people's lives, just when I start to believe I was liked, trusted,
that I had some importance, some value.

Look at me mom, look at me, for gods sake will someone look at me!

I love my good friends with all my heart. They are all I have.
I have nothing else to matter in my life. I have no meaning, no
purpose, without them. And when they die, or go away - I am lost.
Life just becomes pain and chaos. I need to matter!!! I need
something to hold onto, to live for. A reason to go on each day,
when all I feel is sadness and pain.

And keep your Gods and your Devils - I've been that route, and I've
not seen a single shred of proof that any of it exists, only that
good is repaid in pain. I've never gotten a single message to the
contrary. Ever. I have begged what ever god there is for help, for
justice, for assistance to go on, for meaning, for anyone to help me.
And there is only silence. And I pick myself up and try to mend the
broken me, it has always only been me.
Love overcomes all, my ass!

I just wanted to help. I just wanted to matter to anybody.
I've always felt things too deeply, I feel everybody's pain.
Maybe I help everybody because I want their pain to stop so I
can't feel it anymore. But nobody makes my pain stop. The ones
I've trusted the most, gave me the most pain and rejection.
And no amount of drugs or the strongest anti-depressants can
overcome that. They can't change the message life has for me.

My mother was right. I am too fragile to live in this world.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Dream Life

Hmmm, nothing happening. So I finally sat down and went through all
my mail which has been piling up for two weeks. I made myself
take the time to do this simple maintenance task. But then I find
catalogs with neat stuff, and I want to buy it all! Luckily I also
find the credit card bills, which returns me to my senses.....

Thinking about dreams. I had one so vivid last night that I can
still see it. On nights I don't take sleeping pills, I've had dreams
so wild and extravagant, they are unbelievable. Even I am not
creative enough to come up with these dreams. On nights with the
pills I still dream, but not as strongly.

Where do they come from? Last night I was a handsome man, a kind
adventurer (who was also a special agent assassin - don't ask me
how those qualities combine). He was in the most graphic, surreal
part fantasy, part science fiction world, with overtones of the
middle-east and industrial warehouses. The scenery was so strange
I can't even imagine where I pulled it from. I had one hair-raising
adventure after another. Every time I woke up with my heart
pounding, I went right back to sleep, and was off on another
adventure. Then my viewpoint switched and I was the woman he
loved - a beautiful whore, who serviced some pretty, er, unusual
alien's tastes. Then I was both of them off on a dual, intense
spy adventure.

I still think I am getting someone else's dreams. These never seem
to have anything to do with me, and I feel more like I am watching
elaborate cinemas but from the inside of the characters and I feel
everything they are feeling. I don't remember even having been two
people at once before, feeling all from both of them. Very odd.

I'm so fascinated by the dream state. I dream a lot! Many dreams a
night, in brilliant color. They often have a tinge of the macabre,
which is weird because I hate that stuff. I often wake up disturbed,
or with an emotional aftermath that can last into the day. My dreams
are so far beyond what other people tell me they dream, I keep
wondering what they really are.

They are often realer than my waking life. In real life, I am not
all that aware of my surroundings, and sort of wander in a daze
while pondering a technical problem, or how to deal with some
situation. I often 'come to' driving, or walking down the hall at
work, with no idea where I am, or where I was going. (I've gotten
used to being perpetually lost). I keep feeling the dreams are
something important - more than just processing the information
from the day. (I never have days that exciting!)

Have I tapped into the muses of the imagination? Is there a
wellspring somewhere that pours out this endless supply of things
beyond what we know? Is it a doorway that takes us far from those
pesky limits? Are dreams a training ground for the afterlife of the
mind, which continuously creates in an emulation of God? Are we
mini-gods that create tiny worlds and universes of our own?

It doesn't seem right that dreams are better than life. Makes life
a bit disappointing, doesn't it? I understand people who get lost
in a beautiful and exciting video games, when their life gets tough.
When my good friend was in his final two months of dying from
pancreatic cancer, horribly and painfully, I crawled into the video
game Final Fantasy X, and I didn't come out for 3 weeks.

Why can't we make real life better, so we want to stay here?

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Now where did I put that satchel of joy?

A friend said in an email tonight "from reading your blog, I would
say you have lost your joy". I guess I have, but of course my mind
went off in strange directions. How do you lose your joy? Was it in
a bag, and I dropped it? Is it hiding under the couch? Where does
it go when you lose it? Does it hang out in joy bars getting drunk?
Does it ever stumble home?

Mostly I am fretting and waiting. I worry a lot, and wonder if
things will get better. I check my email too many times a day,
it makes me feel like I am doing something, even though I'm not.
I want everything fixed, right now! And I know it can't be.

I play all kinds of "worst case" scenarios in my head where I
lose everything important to me, and try to figure out what I
would do, then. I fear there will be new barriers; can I get
through them and find my way to joy again?
Will it take a long time?

Are there homing beacons for joy in the Lexapro anti-depressants,
so it wont take months or years? If they put "Speed" in Lexapro,
would it all happen faster?

Monday, March 06, 2006

Pondering Limits

I've been thinking about limits and limitations a lot today.
I never liked limits and I always push them to see just how far
I can go. It is like a scab you can't leave alone, I keep picking
at the borders of myself and my surroundings to see if anything
gives. I swear that even asleep, I'm probably trying to exceed
those boundaries.

I have boring days like today, where I just work and come home,
and I wonder why. I almost feel like I just wasted a day that I
could have done something good with. One day closer to death, and
what did I learn or achieve? I just felt like I was waiting.
What the hell am I waiting for?

Is it love, is it meaning, is it something I'm supposed to be doing?
If I haven't found them yet, I'm not going to. So why don't I do
something else? Take another path through life, entirely?

Why do we sit at home in our grey, mundane little lives, wrapped
in our dull routines, never taking the big chances, never looking
for more adventure, never changing, never really living at all?
Is our safe little cave all that desirable? Can't we break out,
take the plunge, do something wild and daring, and not safe?
Day after day of the sameness - why does everyone want this?

I don't.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Strangeness In the Air

I just finished and posted the show the Lyndon Interview. It is
pretty wonderful, (if I may say so, myself!)

I seem to be doing better, after one tough week and then some.
I don't know what the future holds, but I feel some hope and
happiness again - mixed with sadness and sorrow. But it is the
pain of life and it's many surprising and sometimes unpleasant
paths. It is real pain over real life.
Not the inner pain with no escape.

I'd say the drugs got me through these challenges, rather admirably.
It would have been enough in the past to plunge me back into
depression, but this time I just did anything I could think of
to make things better for myself and others.
Constructive pain vs. Destructive pain.
This way is better.

I feel almost like I am on the verge of something. I am rushing
towards - I don't know what. Is it a fundamental change in who I am?
Is it the strength and courage I felt I lacked? A weird feeling -
something is different. For once, let it be a lasting good.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Saturday Marathon

The usual long grind of editing the show today. I've been at this
since noon, with some breaks to eat, or take a walk in the almost
warm 37 degrees weather. I don't know if I'll post it yet tonight,
but I'm going to try. It's been good to stay busy and get my mind
off of other things, though I still find my mind straying and
worrying about what is going to happen, if I don't watch it every
minute. Unruly mind!

The interview is with Lyndon from England. He is wonderful,
thoughtful, eccentric, and funny - I laugh a lot as I replay the
show and fix the sound. He is hard not to love on the spot! He came
up with some great perspectives on several questions.
I love it when I hear something new that makes me think.
I don't believe that people think enough....

I read an article in Prevention magazine about 5 Habits of Curious
People. I had 100% of them. It made me aware of why I interact with
people the way I do. Things like really listening to people, and
really being fascinated by whatever it is they've experienced, or
what they like to do.

I think its a wonderfully lazy way to experience much more of life
without actually having to go do all that stuff. Just talk to
others extensively about their life experience, and then you can
learn from them, from their mistakes, and feel what their hobbies
and passions are like, and see if they are for you, or not!

Seems like a great shortcut you can take in life, and save a lot of
time. Otherwise, I'd have to go make all those mistakes myself :)

Friday, March 03, 2006

Tendrils of Hope

I feel more functional now, though I would catch myself many
times just staring off into space. I had to keep guiding my thoughts
back to the work, and managed to come up to speed on a new project
in less than a day. But it is movement forward, again.

The news was better today, and small tendrils of hope, cautiously,
were born. They reached ever so slowly from the darkness, lest they
be crushed, before they lived. And now a time of Waiting and Hope,
my two nemeses.

A long email exchange with a friend today, has me thinking.
We talked about how I am so driven to help people, and yet so
unprepared for the job. If this is my calling, then why was I
only given empathy, and an emotional nature which feels things
so intensely that I can't bear up under the pain which always
seems to come with it? His thoughts were that if I didn't feel
things that deeply, I wouldn't be driven to help. He also
seemed to think it was rare and wonderful that I am like I am.

I'm not sure. Do we really choose our path in life? There are some
spiritual theories that we subconsciously agree to take on what
experiences we will allow into our lives. I can't see myself ever
agreeing to take on this much pain and sadness in a lifetime.

My friend, being somewhat religious, couches his views in battles
of good and evil. (The poor dear is never going to convert me...)
I don't think it is that easy. I think the whole mess is a lot more
complicated than we can even imagine. I did tell him I was really
going to have a confrontation with any God, if there were an
afterlife. He wondered how that would go with the "creator of
everything".

I've thought about that for awhile, and you know what? If this
creator did create the universe, then it created me too, and
it should have known what it was in for when this combination of
feistiness, unceasing questioning, empathic response, and a
world of pain and suffering to fix - were put together in me.

It knows I'm going to come looking for it, and have one hell of
a questioning session. I'm not afraid of something as big as a
God. I probably won't comprehend it, but I'm still going to
argue with it! I have no use for a God that needs me to bow
and scrape and adulate its every action. Why else would we have
free will, and this obsession with questioning and an
unrelenting curiosity? Maybe it is hoping for a good argument! :)

And if I'm wrong, er, will you all come get me, after it kicks my butt?

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Phoenix

2nd Million Words

How much pain can a person take? Why is this necessary?

Why is loving and caring so much and trying so hard to help
others have a better life, been paid back only in destruction
and pain, again and again?

So the lesson is that I need to stop loving and caring?
What kind of stupid lesson is that!?!

Can we spit in the eye of God?

My life is a continuous cycle of self destruction and rising from the
ashes to try again - over and over. And yet I always struggle back
up from the flames, to try again. If I give up, I will die.

I cannot 'not' write. It is an urge that wont leave me alone. So I
start my 2nd blog, and this one will just be about my thoughts and
musings, in general terms. I will leave everyone else out unless they
ask to be in it. I wont let anyone take away my last shreds of
things I enjoy. I've lost too much.

My 1st Million Words blog is done. It went down in flames, as all the
joy of the things I had struggled so hard to make happen, died before
my eyes in a single weekend. I had just experienced the 4 happiest
days I can remember. Life seemed to be so filled with hope and
possibilites. I was indeed naive to believe that I could be happy.

Then it was all gone. No more joy, only pain and shock.
I have been in a daze for a week now. I stare at the wall for hours,
trying to keep my mind a blank, lest I replay the horrible things.

I've taken on extra projects at work to keep from thinking. I knock
myself out every night with sleeping pills. Dont think, dont think,
dont....

Will it all make sense sometime soon? Is there any justice for trying
to do good? Is there hope, at all?

I don't know.