Thursday, March 09, 2006

Crying

I'm crying at work again. That is twice in 2 weeks. I virtually
never cry, so I'm having a hard time with this. No one saw me, so
I didn't have to explain anything. Labs are good for crying in.

I got an email today that hit me awfully hard. After everything
I've been through in the last few weeks, but had hung on because
I hoped I could do some good, it drove home that I again had lost
what I held most dear. I sent a brave-faced (lie) email, and then
cried for 2 hours. It's just been too much, and there has been no
help. I'm going through this alone, again. I hate being alone.

I get the same messages over and over from life - you're not
important, you don't matter, you are not lovable, no one will
love you if you are fat, thanks for all the help you've given
me, but I'm not willing to help you, I don't love you, you are
not attractive, we don't care about you, no one wants and ugly
girl, I just can't find the time for you, no I can't see your
play, your show doesn't interest me, Singing is your thing
dear but we won't come see you, I'm not willing to go out of my
way for you, you just aren't good enough. Over and over these
messages are beaten into me, over and over, the same things
happen. I get rejected, cut off, shoved aside, and pushed out of
people's lives, just when I start to believe I was liked, trusted,
that I had some importance, some value.

Look at me mom, look at me, for gods sake will someone look at me!

I love my good friends with all my heart. They are all I have.
I have nothing else to matter in my life. I have no meaning, no
purpose, without them. And when they die, or go away - I am lost.
Life just becomes pain and chaos. I need to matter!!! I need
something to hold onto, to live for. A reason to go on each day,
when all I feel is sadness and pain.

And keep your Gods and your Devils - I've been that route, and I've
not seen a single shred of proof that any of it exists, only that
good is repaid in pain. I've never gotten a single message to the
contrary. Ever. I have begged what ever god there is for help, for
justice, for assistance to go on, for meaning, for anyone to help me.
And there is only silence. And I pick myself up and try to mend the
broken me, it has always only been me.
Love overcomes all, my ass!

I just wanted to help. I just wanted to matter to anybody.
I've always felt things too deeply, I feel everybody's pain.
Maybe I help everybody because I want their pain to stop so I
can't feel it anymore. But nobody makes my pain stop. The ones
I've trusted the most, gave me the most pain and rejection.
And no amount of drugs or the strongest anti-depressants can
overcome that. They can't change the message life has for me.

My mother was right. I am too fragile to live in this world.

3 comments:

David Cummer said...

Well, for what it's worth, you matter a great deal to me.

Please take care, and call if you need anything.

Susan Grandys said...

Thanks. :)

Big Phil said...

You matter to me too.