Sunday, March 26, 2006

Evolve, Dammit!

Been thinking about that book "The Road Less Traveled" that I
read. If mankind's purpose is to spiritually evolve into the
God force, how do you do it? I don't believe in any of the
Earth's religions - they all end up being kind of petty and
limiting. You can't evolve through man's dogma. That can only
hold you back, hold you down.

Can you evolve on your own? How do you do it? Will the path of
love and helping people really get you there? I can only help a
couple of people at a time. Very slow. There has to be a lot more
to it. What am I missing? What am I overlooking? I wonder what
people feel when they say they feel the God force? I don't feel
anything. I only feel the 'people force'.

Now I'm reading my homework book - "Codependent No More".
And I've finally realized that I'm not codependent at all. I
have the life experiences that could make me one, but I don't fit
the profile at all. They have a triangle of action "rescue, anger,
victim". They rescue someone, do everything "for" them, get angry
when not appretiated, and feel victimized. I don't do that.
I put up with a lot of shit from people I care about, but
ultimately if they start being cruel or messing with me in an
unkind way, I can and have walked away. I couldn't do that if
I didn't respect myself and think I deserved to be treated well.

I asked Cay about it. He said, no, you are not a 'caretaker', you
are a 'caregiver'. You don't do things "for" people, you teach them
how to do things. I guess he is right. I'm far too lazy, I don't try
to control people - that would be far too much work. I find
delight in seeing what they are going to do, once I give them the
skills to do it themselves. Control is boring. Surprises are not.

I never get angry or feel victimized or unappretiated. I give and
teach, because I love to do so. If they fail at what I tried to
show them, it is sad, but maybe they are just slow to learn. I
know somewhere down the road it might make a difference to them.
Many need to hear something more than once, before it takes.

So great! I found one problem I don't have. Now I have to figure
out what is holding me back. Why am I incapable of being happy?

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