Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Now where did I put that satchel of joy?

A friend said in an email tonight "from reading your blog, I would
say you have lost your joy". I guess I have, but of course my mind
went off in strange directions. How do you lose your joy? Was it in
a bag, and I dropped it? Is it hiding under the couch? Where does
it go when you lose it? Does it hang out in joy bars getting drunk?
Does it ever stumble home?

Mostly I am fretting and waiting. I worry a lot, and wonder if
things will get better. I check my email too many times a day,
it makes me feel like I am doing something, even though I'm not.
I want everything fixed, right now! And I know it can't be.

I play all kinds of "worst case" scenarios in my head where I
lose everything important to me, and try to figure out what I
would do, then. I fear there will be new barriers; can I get
through them and find my way to joy again?
Will it take a long time?

Are there homing beacons for joy in the Lexapro anti-depressants,
so it wont take months or years? If they put "Speed" in Lexapro,
would it all happen faster?

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