Monday, March 13, 2006

With Great Reluctance

When the symptoms of depression started coming back, I thought for
the rest of the weekend. My NP had referred me to a depression
program that is paid for by my medical plan. They left me several
messages but I ignored them. I just can't imagine talking to a
therapist. I don't like the idea. Maybe I think I'm smarter than
they are. I'm certainly smarter about who I am, I know exactly
what all is wrong with me, but I don't think there are any solutions.
So it seems like a waste of time and an imposition.

No one can fix the diabetes, the aging, the loneliness, that no
one ever loved me, the sadness at all the death I've seen, life's
suffering, my empathy with broken people, the overactive mind
that wants answers to everything, right now! I'm a problem
solver by nature. My life path is to try to fix everything.
(Strange, I break things for a living - but with the ultimate
goal of getting it fixed, I suppose.)

Whenever faced with a problem, even my own, I look at it from
every angle, study it extensively on the Web, and experiment
with what seems to be the best solutions. I've tried every herb,
vitamin, eating program, health regimes, self-help, drugs,
methods, whatever. I am my own guinea pig. I try everything
on myself. But I've never been able to find happiness. I don't
have an answer for that, and I don't think therapists do either.

However, the program manager scheduled me to see a therapist, a
lady this time (I didn't get on well with the old guys, the
couple of times I tried it in the past). And she also got me a
psychiatrist to monitor the medicines and try other combinations,
if needed. I didn't know that was really all they did - just
try to give you the right medicines. They don't do any
psychotherapy - that is what the psychologist does. I see one
in 2 weeks, the other in 3 weeks.

I gave in because I haven't really tried it, and I felt an
amazing amount of resistance in myself when I thought about
doing it. When I fight or resist something that hard, sometimes
I go ahead and do it, just to find out what all the resistance
was about. Often the thing I resist the hardest turns out to
be a good thing.

I just have to look at it as another experiment, a path to try
so I can report back to others on it. The great adventurer and
explorer! I wonder if that is how I really view myself? Or
maybe it is just a trick I play on my bratty child-self to
take the icky medicine?


Steve Raymond said...

Sue -

Nice to stumble-upon your aura again this a.m. ...

I "googled" you, specifically, because none of the other 100-or-so Podcasts I searched on "100 Freshest" just now resonated in the way I was yearning for [as yours did, way-awhile-back ... ]
Your words [again] seem
s t r a i g h t from the heart.
Just thought that you'd like to know.
Having your contribution(s) on
The Web was/is a soothing balm to
my own mental discomfort(s), this moment.
I'm glad you're "out there".
That's it ...

Your frankness is quite refreshing, amidst the over-produced 'glitz' and lack-of-substance elsewhere ...

I haven't yet indulged myself in listening-to [-and-reading] the majority of your entries available on The Web (though curiosity will probably beckon me there ;) I just wanted to respond to your most-recent Post . . . WITH GREAT RELUCTANCE . . . to say that
I can relate precisely to the emotions and thought-processes you're describing . . . I admire your strength and courage . . .
" there will be a moment in The Future when you will think, "I'm glad I lived to experience this day." "
A new context will generate new meaning.
You have a lot of gifts.
Yes, your Vessel will continue to decay. And eventually fracture and fade. Yes, painfully...
But The Spirit Within still today has the capacity to overcome ...
if even for a fleeting moment ... the awfulness of mortality ...
and allow the experience of Joy.
To be a Being, somewhere in The Galaxy, experiencing Awareness.

A million+ years, of being Dust and Gas . . . floating . . .
silent . . . cold . . .
light-less . . .
*then a rainbow*
Yes! A rainbow begins to appear,
faraway at first, then closer and more brilliant, with every passing second.
Until right-up-beside . . .
It's God. "Want to take on a Human form?" ( with all of the associated +'s and -'s ? ;)
"Sure. Beats being Dust and Gases."
Done deal.
No whining . . .

Hope I made you chuckle ~


Susan Grandys said...

Steve, You write so beautifully.
Are you a writer?

You view the afterlife and what happens to us very much the way I do, I think.

I hope my message comes across to people - I do write straight from the heart. I don't filter much and I don't have a lot of privacy needs. I keep hoping that what I go through in life can help others,
or at least help us feel less alone.