Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Love and Taxes

Well, I didn't have to drink after seeing my tax accountant. I'm
getting $4200 back!!!! I can now pay for my road trip in May, get
the car its 60,000 mile(expensive) maintenance, AND still pay
down the credit cards about $2000. I am very pleased.

Then I saw my therapist. I don't know. I think I'll give it one
more try, and then probably bail. I like her, but she isn't coming
up with anything I haven't thought of 100 times. She asked me
what I wanted to be - and I said "more than human". Just being
human wasn't good enough. I want more. When she made me come
up with real things that would make me content, I said LOTS of
money, attention, praise, affection, love, being needed, and lots
of sex. I wasn't kidding - I think that would do for starters.

She looked at this list of improbable things that I would never get,
and flailed around a bit. (I knew they weren't going to ever happen,
why do you think I am depressed? That is what I want!). She said,
rather weakly, "Do you think having children would help?" I almost
ran away screaming at this point. I never, ever wanted children.
(How would that help me get sex and money? - Certainly not love
and affection - even my dogs ignore me!)

I am not co-dependent, I haven't been abused, and I don't want
children to make my life "better". She wants me to be all those
things, because then she can categorize me. I don't fit in any of
her boxes, and I'm a pretty "far out there" person. I don't think
like most others. She doesn't know what to do with me. I am no one
thing, I am a thousand different things, often extremes of the same
things at the same time. She wants me to live in a gray reality,
and I can't think of any reason I would want to do so. I suspected
therapy would go like this, and it seems to be bearing it out. I think
I would get more "help" from a "self-help" book.

Let me just end with a quote from a book I am reading on
depression - "The Noonday Demon" by Andrew Solomon:

"Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must
be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is
the mechanism of that despair........Love, though it is no
prophylactic against depression, is what cushions the mind and
protects it from itself."

1 comment:

Big Phil said...

Another problem I've ran into are therapists that try to interpret everything you say. Invariably they are wrong.