Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Feeling Nice

Today is looking up. I started losing weight again. I managed to
weight lift AND do 10 minutes (much faster) on the bike. The
muscles are returning to me from wherever muscles go when they
are hiding. And I dieted and wasn't hungry.

My boss had a little moral boosting thing where we got to vote on
who in the group was the most helpful to us over the last few
months, and the prize was a free massage from the lady who comes
into work to do them once in a while. Well, I got the vote, and
the massage was great!

I've tried a few of the chair messages, and a full body one once -
and I never was happy with the level or type of pressure they used.
This lady was perfect. In 10 minutes, I was totally useless, and
loved everybody! I think I may have to get a full massage from her.

It seemed to help with the overall inflammation I've been feeling in
my body. She is reasonably priced too! But she only has a portable
service, she comes to you. Hard to relax in my house with the dogs
going nuts all the time. They never settle down! Why didn't I
have fat, lazy dogs like I was supposed to? If you are in the
Minneapolis area, may want to check out Jessica Lorentz at I liked her a lot!

Maybe I can use the massage as a present to myself, every 10 pounds
lost, or something. Or maybe I can become rich and just get one
every day..... :)

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Tiredly into the future!

Now that summer has officially started for me - it is time to get to
work. Still not very strong and weight is not good after the party!
I've decided I'm going to lose 35 lbs by my birthday in October,
darn it! I'm going to ramp up that exercise and eat mostly salads
and fruit. I'm tired of not making progress.

Course I just did 10 minutes on the bike, and thought I was going
to die.... legs feel like lead weights.... this is going to hurt!

Back to work today, giving some training this week in a lab I don't
know much about. Blind leading the blind, I suppose. I'm just cockier
than most. I think I know what I am doing ... at least until I hit
the wall a few times. Then I still think I know what I am doing,
but my head hurts :)

Thinking about getting back to filming, the troupe took the month
of May off, with all of us taking vacations. We keep talking about
doing something new, but end up with the same dumb humor. Well,
this time, for sure!

Monday, May 29, 2006

The Barbeque!

We committed "Party-age"

Wow. What a party that was! I'd say there were about 50 people.
The weather was predicting severe storms when a cooler front came
through, but it didn't rain on us! The storms split and went north
and south of Minneapolis! But the cooler front was appretiated.
It was 93 degrees and very humid when the barbeque started at 3,
and everyone was very overheated. We hosed down the dogs, and
several people joined in. Many women brought paper fans and it
looked like a scene from the old south, with all the belles
fanning away.

But around 6 pm the temp dropped into the 80's again, and was
much more pleasant. The food was incredible! Cay and Joel churned
out the most amazing array of stir-fry dishes. It turns out
putting a wok on the barbeque works very well. Joel must have
cooked 10 masterpieces in the first few hours. I wasn't hungry,
because I was so ill from the heat - but I tried one bite of
many of the dishes. They really astonished the crowd with the
sheer variety of food! Joel was doing stir fry with such
ingredients as Lobster and Plantain!

Since tomorrow was a work day, everyone left by 11 pm. (early
for one of our parties) - but it was nice to have time to clean
up and I'll still get to bed before midnight. My summer season
has now officialy opened!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Preparations (not of the "H" kind)

Why is it, when the heat index is 101 degrees, everything goes into
slow motion? I hid in my bedroom most of the day (only room with
an air conditioner) and edited the Uncomfortable Questions
podcast - which is up now, by the way:
Show 38 - John Vardell Interview.

Every time I ventured out of my room to do something, I was
pouring sweat and feeling ill within minutes. The house is an amazing
heat trap, but only in the the winter it is freezing
and drafty. So I was relatively useless today, except for the editing.

Our huge Memorial Day Barbeque is tomorrow, so some things just
had to be done to get ready for it. Rain is predicted, so the last thing
tonight was to put up the screen house/gazebo-y thing, to try to
offer some protection.

Those things are designed by sadist maniacs - and it is always a
miracle of Divine intervention, when then thing is finally set up.
Well it is up, the masses of food are ready, the chairs are out, and
all that is left is to do the "Please Don't Rain" dance - and let
the party run it's course.

"1-2-3-9-hop, skip, skip, hold.... leap!" Weren't those the steps
to the Don't Rain dance? Why is there a hurricane and snow in
the yard?

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Returning to the routine

I seem to finally be recovering and am returning to the things I was
doing before vacation. I wonder if that is necessarily a good thing?
Who says what I was doing before vacation was worth it?

Anyways, bought lots of fruit and vegetables today and actually ate
them. I'm not sure why that always makes me feel so much better. I
take a ton and half of vitamins but it never works as well as food,
even though the vitamins have a lot more nutrition. Maybe there are
nutrition components in food they don't suspect yet. As soon as I
ate it, I had to go sleep for another hour. When the nutrients
hit my system, my body literally shut me down for repairs!

Then bought a bunch of annual flowers for the corner garden by the
door, that I put in every year. I really like it, because it is what
I see when I come home from work every day - and vivid bright
Petunias, Impatients and Begonias are a fine, happy thing to see.

I did some stretching and very, very light workout. I'm as weak
as a kitten compared to where I was 3 weeks ago! How could you lose
muscle strength so fast? Just what is in that food on the East Coast
that saps your strength? Kryptonite? Must be in the Clam Chowder.

This evening, I had a Skype interview for my show, Uncomfortable
Questions. I haven't interviewed in over a month and I really felt
like I was back on track. The interview was with a Techno, Goth,
Experimental musician from Texas, and it was delightful. He gave
some new and original answers to the questions and I had quite a
good time talking to him!

I even snuck in some video game play (Kingdom Hearts II) instead of
plowing through my email, like I should.... Tomorrow - I will edit
my show and do something about email, really!

Friday, May 26, 2006

Feeling Crap

Life is good, work is good, and I feel like complete crap.
Physically, I just haven't been right since coming back from
vacation. I'm really weak, and in a lot of overall pain.
Don't have a clue what is wrong. I should work out more and
eat lots of fruit and veggies, but I'm not motivated to do so.

Went out to see the D.J. friend and had some dinner - didn't
want the same old crap at home. I had 2 beers since I am no longer
on the drugs - I'm free to drink again. They made me so sleepy
I just want to go to bed now....

Yech. Gotta do something to feel better.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Killing Safety

Feeling frustrated again. I'm not making any progress in many
areas of my life. We all move so slowly, so little gets done.
Life is agonizingly short, and no one says what they want to say,
or does what they want to do. We all just stay in our safe little
worlds, even though we are miserable, afraid to do anything

Why? What does it gain us? We experience nothing new.
What are we saving ourselves for?

If I say the things I want to say, I shock people, or make them
uncomfortable. So I play the polite little games of society and
keep everyone safe. From the ogre of "truth", I guess....

Everyone locked quietly within themselves.
Terrified to speak out.
From everything but killing boredom
and the true experience of living.
Maybe tomorrow, I should scare somebody....

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Random Tired

How can it be Wednesday already? I just got back!
I got about 7 hours of sleep last night which took the edge off
of my exhaustion. Man, vacations are hard work! I still don't
feel like doing anything ambitious, though. Maybe next week....

We are getting ready for hosting the huge Memorial Day Barbeque
that has become an annual affair after we combined forces with
a master cook friend that used to have them until he moved into
an apartment with no yard. The planning goes on for weeks!
And of course it happens this year one week after our very
tiring vacation. Still, it prevents vacation "let-down" with
such a fun event happening, right after getting back.

Three really nice things happened at work today :) which have left
me in pretty good spirits. I think work is turning out to be a
very good thing. A job that is healthy for my psyche, what a nice
concept. And rare. I hope this job does well for me for a long time.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


Recovering. Need sleep very badly - couldn't sleep last night, and it
is catching up with me. I MADE myself go for a walk after work, I
have to build the muscles back up. It was slow going but felt good.
I also am really pushing because I gained weight on the trip, (any
surprise after all that food!?) I'm determined to get it off fast -
I still have to deal with the drug induced weight.

I'm experimenting with herbs again. I haven't had any depression
since going off the drugs, except a rather difficult bout of it when
I got to Maine on the trip. I hate that it comes out of nowhere,
and I'm suddenly struggling to maintain and having to get through it.
I managed to fight it off after many hours, but it reminded me I
wasn't entirely free of it.

So when I got back, I started on the St.Johns Wort and 5-HTP herbal
supplements. This combination has worked some for me in the past.
It can't fight off the big stuff, but good for basic maintenance.
Also, the Joint herbs (using Flex-o-Min and MSM) seem to be helping
with the inflammation. My bad ankle was huge when I got home, and
now has gone down a lot. And my knees have started working again.

Just existing shouldn't be such a battle....
Aw heck, I'm going to bed!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Trying to be back

Day after vacation. Never an easy adjustment. I'm still very short on
sleep, and feel slightly dreamlike. I just experienced 3500 miles of
incredible new sights, and it is hard to settle back to the routine.

I got 8 hours of sleep last night, for the first time in 2 weeks.
Then it was off to work, 300 emails to plow through, and trying to
remember what the heck I was doing before I left. I wrote test plans
which was about my speed today.

Then at home, I waded through 2 weeks of regular mail, and tried to
figure out what bills I forgot to pay. I tried to work out, but 9 days
in a car has left my muscles useless. I'm going to have to build back
up slowly. Everything hurts, so I dug out some vitamins for my joints
hoping they will stop aching.

So I'm back. But it's going to take a few days to get back to the
things I should be doing. I have to get going on the interviews again
for the show, but not until I've had a lot more sleep....

Sunday, May 21, 2006


Chicago - looks just like Chicago...

Massachusetts, Wow!

Who knew it was this pretty? I thought it was all Boston!

Howard and Eddie

The guys took us out for seafood. These guys lived in New York City
for 20 years, and don't feel displaced at all, living in the
mountains of Massachusetts.
The view from their house alone is worth it!

View from the top - to North Adams

Our friends live down there! Can you believe it?

New Hampshire? Vermont?

Most of the trip on Thursday looked like this. Looked alot like the
rest of the trip! Green. Very, very wet.

All over heck, and then home again!

Ahhh! Just got home a bit ago. I haven't had internet access for the
last 3 days so will have to catch you up, all at once!

We left Portland on Friday, and drove through New Hampshire, a bit
of Vermont, and the North Western part of Massachusetts to visit
some friends in North Adams. Most of the day it rained and was
difficult to drive. But it stopped, finally, and Massachusetts
turned out to be the most beautiful drive through the mountains!

Our friends, Howard and Eddie were spectacular hosts, and put us up
for the night. We talked late into the night, and again for 2 hours
in the morning. It was worth the late start - they were wonderful
to visit with. Howard is a rather famous gay cartoonist - and
posted our pictures and gave our podcasts a plug on his page:

Then it was Saturday and time to really book, to get home in 2 days.
We drove from Massachusetts through Upstate New York, across a
bit of Pennsylvania, all the way across Ohio and halfway across
Indiana (5 states in one day!) Of course it rained through much
of it. I've never seen so much rain on a vacation before. We stopped
at about 11:30pm to pass out.

Today we got up early, and finished up Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin,
and home to Minnesota. We drove through Chicago and stopped at
our favorite Japanese mall (Mitsua Marketplace) and had a
spectacular ramen lunch. (This really was an eating tour, wasn't
it? Diet was totally forgotten!)

Overall, we did about 3500 miles, and it is weird to be sitting on
a couch, and not have the world blurring past me. It was an
ambitious trip and we saw so much in 9 days, and spent time with
so many good people.

I can't even imagine going back to work tomorrow,
so I'd better get the pictures up and get to bed!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Seawall - Acadia National Park

Bar Harbor, Maine

Acadia National Park

Maine-ly Maine

Today was a LOT of driving and seeing great things! Drove from
Portsmouth, NH up much of the scenic route (Highyway 1) to Acadia
National Park and Bar Harbor. (It took way too long, and didn't
see much until we got to Acadia. Skip the scenic route and go
straight to Acadia!)

Spent a couple of hours in Bar Harbor buying presents for David
who is watching our dogs and house while we are gone. (Don't read
this David!) Just kidding, I'm not going to say what we bought.
Lunch in Bar Harbor - found an amazing Blueberry Wheat Beer (yum!).
Had a Lobster Roll, which everyone in Staten Island said I had
to try. It really is just a wad of lobster meat in Mayo, on a bun.
Rather bland and disappointing. I finally have to admit that
lobster is pretty boring unless it is swimming in garlic butter.
For the price - I'll get crab legs.

I've eaten everything I wanted to eat on this trip except fried clams!
They were out of them at the place that I tried to get them. I'm
not coming home until I get my fried clams!

After lunch, we drove all the way around Acadia, and walked out on
the rocks and took lots of pictures. My gosh that place is gorgeous!

Then at 6:30 at night we decided to drive back to Portland Maine, to
get a head start on tomorrow. We are meeting friends in North
Adams Massachusetts, and we still have to get through an hour of
Maine, then across New Hampshire, into Vermont, down to
Massachusetts, and over to the far western border.

We didn't get to Portland until 10 p.m. and that was quite enough
driving, thanks! Cay had to do most of it, because my bad ankle with
the patched torn tendon, is really a mess today. I can barely walk on
it. I knew I brought him along for a reason. He is becoming a real
road trip trouper with the driving! Enough blather - on with the pics!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

New Hampshire Shoreline - and Goodnight!

The Marble House - Newport RI

The fountain at Rosecliff

These grounds and fountain were in the movie "The Great Gatsby":

The Breakers Mansion - in Newport


Ocean Drive from Newport R.I.

Newport Rocks!

We spent nearly the entire day playing in Newport. Started with the
Ocean Drive, and pulled over by the ocean and ate 2-day-old New
York bagels (still good!) and coffee. The day was sunny and about
68 - no rain!

Walked around Newport, then went through "The Breakers" mansion -
about an hour tour. I've seen pictures of the place, but it didn't
come close to the reality! Breathtaking!

Went back into town and down to the wharf. We ate a pile of
seafood - stuffed clams, bourbon glazed scallops in bacon, fish
and chips. I think my pants are getting tight! Then back out to
the mansions, and went through "Rosecliff" and "The Marble House".

By then we are so tired of walking that we got in the car and
drove up through Massachusetts and across the New Hampshire
coast. We are stopped in Portsmouth, just across the bridge
from Maine. There was a lot of flooding in the upper part of
Massachusetts to here, but nothing that stopped us. There was
also a bowl of incredible clam chowder at the hotel here, after
we got in. I had better walk to Maine....

Tomorrow, Acadia and Bar Harbor!

Around Providence with Peter

Staten Island

Kathy's Azailia:


The Street where Cay lives:


The Beach in the rain (with garbage and all!):


The Moravian Cemetary (of all things!):

Mountains in Pensylvania

Pretty, but wet!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Access From Newport, R.I.

Wow, I just got internet access again. So much has happened. And
I'm trying to do too much, as usually. We're very burnt out and had
to slow down tonight!

Made it from Cleveland to Staten Island in about 8 hours, and then
it was "meet Cay's family time". I met his mom, grandma, sister and
brother. Hit it off tremendously with his sister, as he suspected I
would. Even though we had never met, it was like we picked up a
conversation we had been having for years.

The next day was whirlwind tour of Staten Island, eat a real New
York Bagel, lunch at a really good Italian restaurant with Cay's
brother and sister, the Staten Island zoo, a slice of real New
York pizza, the entire evening was a big party where all of his
relatives and families showed up. It was a lot of fun! His mom
is a tremendous hostess. I really liked her.

Today was a dash for Providence, Rhode Island to meet a friend of
ours. It should have taken 5 hours, but it was a horrible drive in
the pounding rain, the whole way. There were accidents that backed
up traffic, including a spectacular 18 wheeler that attempted to
mate with a cement meridian and a ditch, and so much water on the
road that the trucks fountained it all over and rain that we couldn't
see anything most of the way.

We almost were goners at another point, when an 18 wheeler
whipped around us, and attempted to merge in front of us with
a motorcycle and a panel truck - he lost control of the truck
on the water laden roads, but managed to right his truck before
it tipped. Cay just turned to me calmly and said "Stress Tab".
(I was carrying some homeopathic stress tablets, and had just
given him one the previous hour).

Connecticuiit was a lost cause. The rain continued the whole way
and we never really saw it. We finally got in to pick up the
friend at the University of Rhode Island, about 2 hours late.

We saw his apartment in Providence and got a quick tour of the
town. He took us to a really great bistro by his house. We were
really tired from the grueling drive. But the rain had stopped
when we got into town, so we dropped off the friend and drove
down to Newport as the light was failing. It was the first time
we had actually seen the ocean when it wasn't raining. We stopped
about 9 pm at a Marriot Courtyard (too expensive) but they have
a hot tub, high speed internet access.

We soaked our aching "driving muscles" and swam for awhile. We
checked out the weather forecasts, and we may finally be done with
most of the rain. It has been raining since we left except for a
several hour break yesterday. It some kind of huge system that has
flooded a lot of New England. We hope that the places we are going
are not underwater. One place we are headed to tomorrow has had
15 inches of rain in the last few days!

But first we are going to sleep in, and then go see the mansions
in Newport, and Land's End. I want to gaze out to the open sea
(when I can actually see it!).

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Illinois looks like....Indiana....looks like Ohio...

Notice how from the bottom up - Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio, all look
pretty much the same. Very wet too! We ended up at the Red Roof Inn
outside of Cleveland, because it was 10pm, dark and raining, and we
were done! We got as far as we hoped, tomorrow should be a shorter day.

I'm Here! Where is here?

So hello from beautiful Downtown Elyria, Ohio!
(just west of Cleveland). We left at 7:30 this morning and
I was in 5 states today! Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana,
and Ohio. We drove about 750 miles.

It was grey and rainy out pretty much the whole way. 7 at night
looked about the same as 7 in the morning. Made time sense really
strange. Not much in the way of pictures - saw lots of cows,
farms and rain.

But I am happy and content! Road trips are good for the soul.
No worries. You loose you place in time and space, and there
is just the road, and the air rushing into your face.

So today Ohio - tomorrow Staten Island, New York.

Friday, May 12, 2006


I just got home from work!
I haven't finished packing!

Aren't vacations relaxing? :)

I'll post from the road, with pictures -
so stay tuned in :)

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Ready, Set, Go!

I only worked until an almost reasonable 7:20 pm tonight... only 2
more systems to go - I have to finish tomorrow (along with some
other random work tasks). I'll have set up 17 systems from scratch
at that point. I think I did o.k. Gosh I hope so. I have the
exhaustion to prove it. It was a great learning experience.

Other than that, I came home and started packing, I'm over half
done, should finish easily after work tomorrow (if I don't stay
until some stupid hour trying to finish up). I am so psyched for
this trip, I can already feel the road beneath my feet (well
beneath my butt, since I'll be driving....) I get to see the
Atlantic Ocean again!!! It has been a scarily long amount of
time since I saw it last.

I like Minnesota, the people, the work, the trees. But it really
could use an ocean. Maybe someday with global warming, the Great
Lakes will flood and become a northern ocean.... probably not
the best way to get one.... I guess I'll just have to drive.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


After working for about 14 hours yesterday, I couldn't sleep.
Not fair. After working that hard you should go unconscious.
Anyways, today was lots more of the same, but I did manage to
leave work by 7:30 p.m. Almost early for me these days....

The "Calm" tea and Kava-Kava are doing the trick for me in
keeping from that over-the-top "accelerated" feeling I was
getting. Except it doesn't do a thing for me at night to help
me sleep, especially when I'm in problem solving overdrive
like last night. Makes me wonder why I am like that?

But only 2 more days, and then there's not a thing to do but drive
and gawk. Sounds wonderful!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Revolting Brain

Ow-ow-ow, my head hurts now!

I worked until 8 pm wrestling with Linux, and finally got that mess
to a level of understanding where I can proceed. All the while another
issue became "hot". So I came home, ate, and logged back on to work.
I found a couple of problems, but not the major issue. I am giving
up for the night - my headache is so bad, I can't think anymore....
I'll bet it will still be there in the morning.

What a way to get ready for vacation! I sure hope I have time to
pack before the middle of the night on Friday. We are leaving very
early Saturday morning, and I have to be in some kind of shape to
drive cross country.... ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Monday, May 08, 2006

Revolting Muscles

Report from the muscles from skating - OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!
I was in so much pain I didn't sleep much last night, and today
was a real trial. It's not quite so bad now, unless I try to go up
the stairs. Still, there is a hot tub in my future, right after
writing this. Luckily its been raining all day so I wasn't tempted
to do something really stupid - like try to go skating again...

Work was as annoying as I thought it would be, I started on the
SuSE Linux stuff, and everything was rather, er, problematic.
I got to make all the same mistakes all over again in different ways.
Which could have been interesting anyways, as a learning
experience, but I was in so MUCH PAIN! I kept getting roaring
headaches all day. Luckily the main guy setting up the lab lets
me whine a lot. My project partner never lets me whine :(
I like whining - it's healthy - a good tension release!

Otherwise, every spare moment is now getting ready for the road
trip. Are we there yet?

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Three Things of Note...

Things of note. I've been sleeping very badly and bought that
memory-foam pillow yesterday. I passed out hard last night and only
woke up briefly twice. I guess part of the problem is I couldn't get
comfortable. That is one fine pillow - I just sank into it and was
out. ($39 from Target - and worth it!)

Second, I found myself getting more wired and feeling like I was
accelerating faster and faster again today. I just can't calm the
f*ck down! So I took one homoeopathy "stress tab", and one dropper
of Kava-Kava extract in my tea. I calmed down instantly, and felt
quite well and efficient for the rest of the day. I was surprised
at how nicely and quickly it worked. I had also bought some herbal
"Calm" Tazo tea, but never got to it. I'll be taking all that
stuff to work!

Third, I remedied yesterday's lack, and went and bought the in-line
skates today. I found them on sale today for $99 for the exact model
that I wanted. (Normally $150). And better yet, I USED them!!! I grew
up on ice-skates (being from Minnesota and all - nothing else to do
in the winter) and roller skated some as a teenager and young adult.
But I haven't been on any kind of skates for 20 years, and I've never
tried in-line skating.

I only made it about a quarter of the way around the lake. My
balance was terrible, (but I didn't fall OR break anything - yay!)
it was very hard work, my thighs and butt invented some new
muscles while I was out there, and it was terrific fun!!!
I feel great!

I may not say that in the morning, when my muscles figure out
what just happened......

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Oh, my aching pocketbook!

One week to road trip time! Hurray!
The car is clean and ready for action. (With a little extra
dog hair - the dogs thought cleaning the car was the most fun ever,
and kept jumping in and out of it while it was getting vacuumed).

The rest of the day was shopping time! And spending too much
money time.... It is amazing what you think you can't live without
for a road trip - thermos, car coffee mugs, toiletries, low carb
snacks, the cutest cooler for food and drinks, vitamins, car
cleaner, paper towels, etc, etc, etc.

I never go shopping much anymore, so being out there - exposed to
all that "stuff" was too tempting. "Oh look, they have hibiscus tea,
and ginger tea, what a nice memory foam pillow, oh look - I'm sure I
could use one of *those!".
*those being any one of 100 items..... :)

Anyways, lots of fun, and all that activity geared towards the trip
got me really psyched for it. Traced out a route to take on the maps,
yet again! The weather was beautiful and I was ready to get in the
car and start driving, right now!

I've also been thinking about getting more exercise and started
looking at in-line skates. Unfortunately they are a bit expensive,
and 2 stores were totally out of my size. By that point my bad
ankle (with the grafted tendon) started swelling and hurting from
being out shopping for 5 hours - so I did come home without the
skates. It is probably the only thing I came home without.....

Friday, May 05, 2006

Just one more system, one more mile...

I have no excuse for staying at work until 8 pm on a Friday night,
except that I was winning the Linux battle! I just had 2 more
systems to go, so I kept going. I feel like I have a grasp now of
setting up Red Hat 3 and 4 systems, drivers, tools, etc.
Next week - Linux SuSE 8 and 9! Hopefully I will come to my senses
and not work so much. I just hated that I was so bad at installing
Linux stuff. I was determined to get better. And I suppose I did.

I'm still sleeping badly, I wake up every hour, but I don't feel
very tired. But I am still wired to the max. I'm thinking of
getting some "Calm" homoeopathy, or some herbal Kava-Kava tea.
Supposed to help you relax. I have a hard time doing that.
When given something to complete, I just can't leave it alone,
until it is done.

I have a tendency to drive way too long on road trips, also. Just
a few more miles, and a few more..... until you stagger out of the
car, unable to walk from being so stiff. We'll see how I do on the
road trip to come...

So at the end of my life, will I forget to die? Just one more day,
a few more hours, just let me finish these few things.....

Thursday, May 04, 2006

How Not To Care?

The days are looking an awful lot alike these last couple of weeks.
I have to keep reminding myself which day it is. I wonder if that
is even important? I guess it is, so I remember which meetings
to go to today.

More strange news and emails from friends. I suppose there is
nothing I will truly be allowed to do for any of my friends. I've
tried, I offered them anything that they might need from me.
I want to help them. But did you ever notice that people really
never take you up on those genuine offers? I mean them with all my
heart - I would give my friends the proverbial "shirt off my back",
but we really don't lean on each other all that much.

"No man is an island....", eh? Everyone sure tries their best to
be one. Can I be Madagascar?

I am such a problem solver, it nearly kills me to watch others
suffer, and not be able to intervene or help. Do I really have to
accept that? Not care? Disconnect from those I truly care about?
How could I even begin to not care?
It just doesn't seem to be the right thing to do.....

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Tired me, and general whining

Ugh. Stayed at work even later tonight. I'm gaining ground. I think
the score today was: Me=5, Linux=5. I got 5 systems done, but 5
more are baffling me! Oh well, finally some progress. I'm still
enjoying the work, and learning a lot, so it's easy to work too
much. I'm also racing to get it all done by the time I go on
vacation - I only have a week and 2 days left. And that's not the
only project I'm working on. I will be very ready for the vacation!

Nothing much new. Getting home, eating something, trying to
exercise, writing a quick blog and off to bed. I'm really not
sleeping much anymore, I'm having a lot of pain all over that
keeps me awake. I hope this is not just aging. I'm probably not
exercising enough, but I need to do more non "weight bearing"
stuff. My ankle where I had the tendon grafted on a few years
ago, seems inflamed a lot. The new tendon isn't as wide as the
one that snapped, so I worry it won't hold up, and don't like
to push it too much. I'll try the old Ibuprophen, maybe it will
take out the swelling.

I may need some kind of sleeping pill after all. I'll check into that
after I get back. As long as it doesn't cause weight gain, or cause
you to grow 4 heads or something.

I am so far behind on email too....
There is always tomorrow (or was that the next day?)

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Where do you go, when you aren't here?

I was driving to work, and was halfway there, when I sort of "came
to". I hadn't noticed the first half of the drive at all. I read a
theory of the universe once, that it is made up of energy that is
like waves. It blinks in and out of existence, very rapidly - so
that we don't notice when matter is not 'here'.

So do we blink in and out of existence? Are we only here half the
time? Or just certain particles of us? Where would we go, when we
aren't here? Does our same energy make up another universe? Do we
have an entire other life on that plane? Am I having more fun, over
there? (Maybe that's why I'm so tired - doing too much in the
other 'verse!)

By then, I was at work and racing. The day went so fast! I felt
like a was accelerating all day. I kept learning more and more,
and doing several things at once. I realized that when given a
lot to do, I go into this accelerated, hyper-mode. Unfortunately I
don't sleep much, so I was pretty wired by the end of the day. Who
needs drugs? It is a useful thing for short bursts - it's when it
goes on for years, that I become a mess. But even at a new, less
stressful job, I volunteer to do more, and challenge myself to
do too much. I think I am incapable of true rest, or laziness.

The score today was - Me=1, Linux=50. I'm closing in on it! I
actually had some successes. By the time I made myself go home
after 7 p.m., I was so tired I couldn't move. Everything aches. I
stretched out a bit, exercise wasn't even a reachable idea.

I'm watching my thought processes, and how I react to things. I
think I understand myself better, but not necessarily what to do
about it. Or even if it is a good or a bad thing, that I am like
I am. There is a lot of good there. And a lot of pushing myself
too hard and too much hope that could set me up for falls.

Why isn't being me easier by now? I've had an awful lot of years
to practice. You'd think I would be a stellar "me".

Monday, May 01, 2006

Wrapping Up

Bleah! I'm exhausted. I battled Linux all day.
Score: Me-0, Linux-10,0000.

I hate days when I don't succeed. But now I understand the problems
and I'm ready for warfare tomorrow! I have a plan...... (No it
doesn't involve crowbars and hammers.)

Follow up report on going off of Anti-Depressants - 1 week later.
I feel alright. Not happy, not sad - but mostly o.k. The night
sweats stopped. The weight went down a little and stopped. The
sexual insensitivity went away. I feel a lot more real, and I think
a lot more and deeper about things. The brain is less quiet, and I
went back to my normal sleep problems. (I sleep well about
every other night). So both pros and cons, but I feel a lot more
like me.

All in all, I much prefer not being on the drugs. I can see how
they help when you really spiral down, your brain needs a rest.
If I really could have maintained the few days of real happiness
I got on them, I never would have wanted to quit. But since that
was such a temporary effect, I'm just as good off of them. I hope
I never have to do them long term. I was only on them for 8 months,
total. I suspect the longer you are on them, the more severe the
withdrawal would be.

My conclusion on therapy: a total waste of time, for me. Might be
good for others. My therapist's final conclusion at our final
meeting "You need many emotionally engaging, loving relationships".
I knew that going in! I told her the first day, it was the lack
of these that made me so depressed! No surprises there :)