Friday, June 30, 2006

Punk-o-rama night!

Another fun day at work - and now launching into 4 glorious
summer days off! And I'm too hot already. It is about 90 degrees
out. I had some delusions of doing more landscaping, but it is
going to stay hot for a few days. There is a problem leaving
the safe haven of air conditioning at work.... :)

Still juggling the holiday schedule to make it a little less
busy and do-able. But still have to head out to the bar tonight
to see the friend's in 3 different bands. The 1st of them doesn't
go on until 11 pm, so it is going to be a late one!
I wish my bed didn't already look so enticing.....

My friend's bands by the way are:
Spider Fighter: http://www.myspace.com/spiderfighterband
Birthday Suits: http://www.myspace.com/birthdaysuits
Die Electric: some bizarre address

Spider Fighter is sort of 80's punk girl band.
Birthday Suits are an astonishing "wall of sound" Japanese band
(how 2 guys do that much sound is a mystery to everyone!)
Die Electric is straight ahead punk with a lot of good musicians.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Esteemed Guest

Kenji - being a goof! He is really quite good looking, though it might
be a little hard to see .....


A Kenji kind of day

So I get home tonight and - sugoi! (amazing in Japanese) Kenji
is in my backyard again! (The visitor from Tokyo from last night).
He came back to visit! We drank lots of beer and barbecued steak
and huge portobello mushrooms. And talked for hours. His
English is decent, and we know a little Japanese.

We talked about history of the Samurai, and World War II, and
cultures all over the world, and astronomy, and Stephen Hawking,
and black holes, and neutrinos, and Einstein, and quantum physics
and string theory. An amazing feat at times as we struggled
across languages, and occasionally looked up a word in our
English-Japanese dictionary. But we communicated, nonetheless.

Kenji is extremely well read and charming as heck!
Now I'm trying to figure out a way to finally save up that
money and go see our friends in Tokyo, including Kenji.
What great fun this is turning out to be.

Starting with last night, this holiday is non-stop.
Visitors the last 2 nights, 3 different bands we have friends
in are playing at First Avenue tomorrow, an interview and a
birthday party for the D.J. friend on Saturday, an interview,
filming and a party at the bar on Sunday, and then I still
have Monday and Tuesday off from work.

My life is loooong stretches of mundane and boring, interjected
with some really wild, frantic fun times. Oh well, sleep is for
wussies!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The surprise in the back yard

Well, I did start the dream experiment. I asked for a solution for
what I should do for creativity next. I've been kind of stumped on
what direction to go, or what to try next with the shows.

I then proceeded to dream all night about how I shouldn't dye my
hair red (I wasn't planning on it!), and something about trying to
remember to keep the door closed on the Moon-base I was working
in, with a bunch of people from work. I guess I better keep it
up for the 7 days of lag .....

By the time you read this, it appears that the show I got
interviewed for will have my interview up:
www.ashantynolemon.com
It is pretty much an interview about why I do my show, and how
I got into podcasting and such - I haven't listened to it yet,
but it is probably only of interest to die-hard podcasting fans...

I came home to a wonderful surprise of synchronicity. A Japanese
acquaintance K* is in town for 3 weeks (he is a good friend of a
friend of ours in Tokyo), and I only got to meet him once last
week. And there he was, lying in the hammock in the back yard,
along with another Japanese woman Y* who I know, along with our
next door neighbor. This was a strange, but welcome assortment
of people to find in the back yard! Y* and K* have never been
to the house, and had no idea where we lived.

It turns out that our next-door neighbor works with the Japanese
woman - who K* was staying with. The neighbor brought them by his
house after work to see his huge model plane collection. Cayenne
(who they both know from the bar) went out to water the new
landscaping and the Japanese friends called out to him (startling
our neighbor that they would know the people next door), and they
all ended up hanging out with us for a few hours this evening.

When the world is small, it is amazing small. The rest of the
time it is just really big.... go figure.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Dream Date

Heh-heh, wouldn't I love a "dream date"....

Actually I've just tripped over a lot of information about
dreaming lately - how you don't only dream in the REM state like
scientists originally thought - how dreams don't come from the
primal part of your brain, but instead activates the frontal parts
and the emotional and correction centers - how many authors and
musicians actually have written books and songs they dreamed.

I'm currently intrigued with the "solutions" nature of dreaming.
Some studies have shown that people will often come up with
solutions to problems in their life, but there is a "gestation"
or "lag" period. It seems to take about 7 days to get a solution
to a problem you contemplate as you are going to sleep. (This
also tends to only work for simpler problems - complex stuff
can take a lot longer). Why 7 days? You dream about 2 hours
per night (6 years in a lifetime!) So it takes 14 hours to come
up with an answer? Why would that be?

I think I'm going to try it. Actually ask for a solution to a
problem every night as I am drifting off. I want to see what
happens. Of course, keeping my mind on the problem instead of
zinging off the walls as it does some nights, may be the
challenge.

Monday, June 26, 2006

What is progress?

I've been feeling lately like I am going nowhere. I don't see that
I am making progress with my life.

I'm totally ignoring the fact that I just got through a major
depression. (I graduated today! A lady from the behavioral health
center was checking in with me once a month, and gives a
"depression test". When I started I scored a 22 out of 25
possible, for how depressed I was. Today, being off the drugs
or any treatment for two months, I scored a 2 !! - She agreed
with me that I was done).

But I don't consider that an accomplishment, just that I wasted
a year of my life getting back to where I am supposed to be.
It is hard not to really resent the people and places that put
me there. One of my current friends would tell me gently "I look
at it as another learning life experience". Yeah, well I didn't
enroll in that school! Or maybe I did...

I knew a lot of what happened to me was going to cause me a great
deal of pain, and I chose to go ahead and experience it - instead
of protecting myself. Living in a shell isn't much of a life, either.
What a choice - "live and take all the pain", or a "safe death-like
non-existence".

O.k. and I suppose there is the small matter of the 2 web
shows I've been doing for about a year. Quite a lot of work
done there, but the audiences are dwindling and I can see
that their run is nearing an end.

I'm proud of the body of work I did, but it is becoming obvious
that I need to do something new going forward - I just don't
know what that is. Maybe this is just the slow time between
creativity. I almost bought a new Mac iBook this weekend, just so
I could start editing my own videos and writing music for them -
(Cayenne does all of the video editing) but I talked myself
back out of it, for now. $1700 is a lot of money, and I'm
not 100% sure that is what I should be doing....

I guess need concrete, visual results. I suppose that is why I
did the landscaping this weekend. I can look at it and say "I
did that! There it is!" I need to find more things like that,
where I can't deny the visible progress.

I just wish I really knew what I wanted to be when I grow up.
I don't have any drive to do any one particular thing, just to
dabble in a lot of things. I suppose I don't accept that one
could aspire to be a dilettante when you grow up....

Sunday, June 25, 2006

The main event

This shows about 15 of the 25 feet of fence line plantings
and landscaping work from today. It seems like it should be so
much bigger - a couple of miles, at least!


Today's work - an afterthought

Had some bark left - so spruced up the front side a bit -


Dreaming Garden Zombies from Australia

What moron thinks that gardening is relaxing??! I think I have
pulled every muscle in my body, and I can't find anything that
doesn't hurt! Except maybe my nose. I don't think that hurts...

Got about 25 feet of fence line tilled, planted, put in brick
edging, and layed down 5 bags of wood bark mulch. Then I started
on the far back area before I realized I could barely move anymore.
I was out of plants and bark, anyways.

It looks nice, but not as nice as the amount of work that was put
into it. It just makes the rest of the yard look like it needs
something. I was pretty wasted for the rest of the day. That much
sunshine and exercise is obviously bad for you.... I'll post
a couple of pictures of the day's labor, above.

David dropped by for the late afternoon and evening, and he, I
and Cayenne kicked around ideas for next week's video show. We
have a stuffed wombat, and the Australian jokes kept coming -
so I guess a tribute to our Australian watchers is in order.
We apparently have many fans in Australia and we think it is
so great, of course we have to make fun of it!

David and I talked about dream symbolism a lot. We've both been
having some strange ones. I've been having a fair number of
dreams that take place in parking ramps. Not parking in them,
or ones that even have cars in them - but huge fantasy settings
that take place inside of parking ramps that have many levels
underground for huge demonic settings, or soar up into castle
like fantastic settings. We looked it up on the web, but we
couldn't find any mention of parking ramps as a dream symbol.
In fact, most of the symbols in my dreams aren't in any
dream dictionary. I guess I'm different than the norm -
(what a surprise!).

Otherwise, I am really getting into this summer thing. We spent
much of the day outdoors, (not counting working on the yard),
talking, laying in the hammock, and enjoying the 76 degree, breezy,
beautiful day. Usually I don't notice summer all that much, but
this year I'm totally into it!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

The exploding suburbs, and domestic pursuits

I made it through party number 2 this week without gaining weight.
2 more parties next weekend....

There was a nice get together at an ex-coworker's house last night,
a wine and cheese party. Needless to say there was tons of food,
snacks and alcohol and I managed to resist it all and lost 1/2
pound to boot. I dealt with it by sitting on their huge deck and
chatting with an old co-worker that I haven't seen since I left.
I didn't know him well, though he was one of a small group of us
who went out for lunch a few times my last 2 weeks there.
Things haven't changed much back at the old job, so we caught
up on life things instead.

We sat on the deck for hours watching the spectacular sunset,
the lovely pond and the really strange suburban neighbors!
I live in the city and don't get out to the suburbs much. They
have changed. One of the neighbors started busting up all kinds
of plywood and starting a really big bonfire. Then he got on his
riding tractor and rode it around the bonfire (supposedly mowing?)
It was like a modern day tribal ritual with him dancing around
the fire via a mechanical vehicle (while smoking). Then he
started setting off a lot of big fireworks. Now that's a guy
who likes things burning and exploding :) It was an entertaining
and pleasant evening.

Today I got an urge to start landscaping the back yard. I've
been meaning to do it since I moved in (7 years ago). So it
was off to get tools and bark mulch and some plants - on sale
at the garden store. I just got started digging, and the rain
really let loose. So, the landscaping is on hold until tomorrow,
I only got about a 4 foot section done. I will poke at it all
summer as money and energy allow. After I do the fence line,
I'm dreaming up a waterfall, and maybe even a patio area.
Besides, I heard gardening burns a lot of calories....

But it is rather domestic of me. I usually avoid such activities!
With luck, it is just temporary summer maddess and the urge
will pass, so I can go back to being a slug.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

A Successful Woman?

Why am I so good at everything in life, except life?

Job - no problem, I almost always know what to do. I have
tremendous drive and ambition to get the job done. I've done
very well in my work career.

House - no problem, I can always figure out how to fix something,
or call the person who can. I improve every house I've lived in,
made it into something much better than when I first got it.

Someone else's problems - I can think of dozens of things for
them to do or try. The ideas just pour out on what they
"should" do. How they can make their life better.
I have endless patience to help others for as long as they
need me. No request is too much.

My own body - forget it. I usually have some idea of what to do,
and don't do it very often. It's like I don't even know what
drive, ambition and will power are!

My emotional life. I'm just not very good at it.
And I don't ever seem to get any better at it.
I try with all my might to be open, honest, loving, honorable
and full of integrity. But being those things don't make a
lick of difference to a happy, fulfilled life, apparently.
Why don't these things matter to anyone?

So I am a resounding success at everything except the things
I need most.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Summer

Happy Solstice. How cool, it didn't get dark until after 10 pm,
and the weather is gorgeous: upper 70's and sunny most of the day.

I didn't do anything too solsticy though. Checked out the new
Trader Joes. There was a Trader Joes by me when I lived in
California, so it is nice to have one in town. Unfortunately it
is insanely popular, so you can't get near it on a weekend - so
I took the opportunity on my day off. They are apparently going
to open 2 or 3 more stores in Minneapolis. How can they lose?
It combines the 2 favorite activities of Minneopolitans -
shopping and great food!

Otherwise a lay back day: went out for lunch, played with the dogs
in the sunshine, played some games, and did some computer things -
got new Karaoke software so I can practice singing at home.
It didn't seem to work so we went over to our D.J. friend's
house, played with his new kittens and learned how to use the
program.

Last night was lots of fun, I sang 2 songs not so well, and
knocked 2 of them out of the park. As I suspected I didn't get
home and to bed until about 3 am.

Back to real life tomorrow. I assume work managed to survive
without me. Though I wonder if that is a good thing - I can't
have them getting used to that!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Goofing Solstice

I'm getting ready to go out - it's Cayenne's birthday tomorrow, and
since I missed last year, I felt bad and promised to be designated
driver and babysitter to him tonight, so he can cut loose and get
sloshed. My god he is 38 years old - I've known him since he was 22!
Where did those years go? Who took them???? Well, just give them back!

Since I'll probably be up until 3 am or so, I took tomorrow off, so I
can sleep in. Hmmm, I'll have the Solstice off - I feel like I should
do something really pagan. Like, er, well I can't think of anything.
Except drinking or eating or something, which would not be on my
diet! I'll probably just goof off. Or stick flowers in my hair. Or
most likely play video games. Not very Solstice-y, I suppose.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Today's Challenge

Health is so boring (unless it is your own).

However I do feel better today. I enacted "operation change" -
to change my body. I completely changed the diet, and upped the
exercise. Other than being a bit hungry I am doing fine.
Of course, there are 4 parties coming up in the next week.
That should be a challenge.....

I'm trying to approach exercise as "what part of my body do I
want to improve", or "what can I do right now that will make me
stronger"? And with food, it is "what can I eat right now that
will balance me nutritionally, and be good for me?" So it really
is an overall attempt to change my attitude, and to think more
positively about diet and exercise. It has always been a
rather adviserial battle for me.

Not much else to report. Work remains fun, I'm sleeping (always
good), but life is pretty average. Nothing to really look forward
to, I guess. I don't know how to make things to look forward to.
I can't afford to take another vacation for a long time.

What other things are there to eagerly speculate on? The vacation
taught me that it is very, very good to have something big, looming
in your future. But there is nothing, so I retreat back into
fantasy.... which is almost as good as a vacation :)

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Discouragement Avoidance

Change? My will has been sapped. After 4 days of being well, the
sore throat and weakness is back. I'm so frustrated. Still trying
to push through anyways. Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away.
I'm tired of no forward progress.

I think the thing I have picked to change is my body. I wonder
if I can go after it with the idea that I am trying to change it to
a vision I have for it? (Not view it as diet and exercise. :) )
Besides losing even 20 lbs would help with the blood glucose
levels, they are still a bit higher than I want. But of course,
now I'm hungry, and too tired to move. Grrrr!

I had another dream about a friend last night. The kind that seems
super real and affects me for days afterwards. The last one I had
about him bothered me for weeks, and then a year later pretty much
came true - and it was nothing I would have ever guessed or thought
would happen in real life. I suppose it was a warning dream. Last
night's dream was much more hopeful, and if I read the symbolism
right, I think it is meant to reassure that things are going to
work out o.k.

I don't think most of my dreams have any meaning I can find, but
a couple of times a year, I have one that I can't forget. I think
those are the ones that are really some kind of communication.
From the other person? From the Collective Unconscious? From a
Guardian Spirit? (if so they are all being darned obscure...)
Who knows. That is my operating theory of the moment.

I'm also trying to believe in the theory that I can't shake this sore
throat because my immune system is doing a super workout, in case
something like the bird flu comes along. That's the only positive
spin I can put on it, so I don't get so darned discouraged....

Saturday, June 17, 2006

And I do this for FREE?

All podcasting, all the time. I just put in a solid 13 hours on
things to do with podcasting. I interviewed Lynoure in Finland at
11 am (it took us 2 hours to get the Skype connection to work),
started right in editing the interview when we were done, and then
got interviewed myself for another show, finished my own editing,
and just posted a new show!

I willingly worked 13 solid hours, and I don't get payed for this!
It must be a labor of insanity, er, love. Actually it was great
fun talking to Lynoure and getting a Finnish perspective on life,
and to Anthony, who interviewed me this evening.

The new Uncomfortable-Questions is up at:
www.uncomfortable-questions.com "Lynoure Interview".
I'll post a link to me being interviewed, when Anthony posts his show.

I had some interesting email conversations today - having to do with
if you can really change your life. I have mostly coasted through
life, going wherever it took me. I never could seem to effect any
great changes on myself or others. I was wondering (to quote my
earlier email) "if I made a huge effort of will and tried to make my
life different, would anything change at all? I suspect it wouldn't be
all that much different. I think who we are as a personality keeps
pulling us back to it's core set of reactions, and those reactions are
always similar, no matter what the situation...."

So I've been pondering, in the name of scientific experimentation, if
I could pick one thing in my life, and exert all my will to changing
that thing to be the way I want it, if I could make the change?
The problem is I haven't yet picked out the thing I want to change
in myself. There is certainly plenty to choose from. Any ideas? :)

Friday, June 16, 2006

Flowers by my driveway

Not Drugged Brain Quiet

Work was all kinds of goofy fun. Everyone was in a silly mood - must
have been the heavy air before the storms that have started tonight.
Couldn't have been because it was Friday. I was almost sorry when
the day was over!

I also noticed suddenly that my brain is fairly calm. And it has
been for awhile. The constant, frantic spinning of my brain is just
not there. And this is without drugs for 2 months. It is a healthy
quiet, not the drug enforeced deadness that I was feeling.

I think my Seratonin levels really did balance themselves at last!
Maybe from the drugs re-setting them and then they stayed that
way, maybe maintained by the seratonin boosting diet and
herb supplements.

It seems so odd to not be really thinking about anything, or worrying
about everything.

I always used to think about everything, all at once! I wonder if
that is why I am fairly happy these days? I wonder if it will stay
like this?

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Responsible Girl

Got another HUGE bonus from work today deposited in my account.
I was committed to sending it to my credit cards to pay them down
a bit. Man, it is hard to resist spending it (just a little bit
of it!). I decided finally to pay most to the credit cards, pay off
the new water heater, buy a new 250 GB hard drive (for only $99!),
and maybe take my car in for it's 45,000 mile checkup.

That sounds so dull. Why is responsibility so dull? If you are a
good girl and pay your bills instead of blowing the money, I think
you should get free lovers for a month, or some such reward.
Instead, you have a payed bill, and have no fun..... there is
something wrong with that!

I'm finally starting to recover from the weird virus or whatever it
was. Sore throat is almost gone, and I made it through my usual full
walk tonight. I haven't had the strength to do that in weeks. I guess
the immune booster herbs are finally fighting it off.
Its nice to have my body back in almost working order.

I was archiving last months blog page, and I started reading some
from the beginning of this 2nd blog. I talked a lot about feeling
like I was waiting for something. In just a couple of months, my
life got a lot better, I'm a lot happier, my job is exceptional,
and you know what? I'm still waiting.

The sad part, is as I am dying, I will still be waiting.....

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

My New Painting!



Sanctuary by Sheila Wolk

"Call us if you die, or figure out what you have"

Well the good AND the bad news is I don't have strep. So of course,
I got "it must be a virus or allergies - call us if it gets worse". Who
has a sore throat for a month? Without a cold? So back to the
immune boosting herbs, and see if my body will take it out.

I did eat a steak tonight and felt loads better. I have only been
eating meat on the weekends, trying to phase it down - I'd like to
be a vegetarian for moral reasons (I love animals) but my diabetes
and health really suffers if I don't eat meat. Ugh - total dilemma!

So far all I've managed to stick to is I don't eat pork - pigs are
just too intelligent. Actually I think someone told me that pork
tasted like people, and I just totally lost my taste for it after
that :) No I'm not suggestible.... my doctor has been suggesting
that I lose weight for years.... :)

Today my picture came - I ordered one of those art reproduction
paintings (with real brush-strokes!) of a Sheila Wolk painting
called Sanctuary. I bought it with some bonus money I got at
work. It is hanging on the wall and is stunning! I'll post the
catalog picture above this post. I love it, not only because of
the intense detail and color, but the subject matter. It is an
angel, but she is wearing a gaudy dress, feathers in her hair, and
has a somewhat sulky look to her. I like things that don't
usually go together.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Empty Accomplishment

Finished the silly Kingdom Hearts 2 video game. It is silly to feel
a sense of accomplishment from getting done after 40 hours? The
story bits were quite good, but there were too many long boring bits!

I'm feeling a little better today. The viral?/bacterial? infection
that moved into my eyes 2 days ago and they were very red and
inflamed and hurt. I had scary zombie eyes! That seems to have
cleared up tonight. The muscle and joint pain got better yesterday.
I did more research on the web, and it seems a strep infection could
have caused everything I've been going through for the last month.

Great - I go see the doctor in the morning, just when I may have
fought it off, after all this time. I think it is the visit to the
doctor that cures most things. You ALWAYS get better when you
finally get in, and they must wonder if we are all hypochondriacs.

As I pointed out to a friend at work - we SHOULD all be
hypocondriacs! Who else is going worry about us that much? We each
have an incredible vested interest in our own health level. After all,
where will we live if our bodies go away?

Monday, June 12, 2006

Still Not Right

I'm just in holding mode now. The combination of sore throat and
general weakness is still there. It's actually kind of creepy.
I don't get better, I don't get worse, day after day. I don't
have high hopes for the doctor appointment - it can take them
years to figure some things out. I took an iron pill to see if
it would help - I've been borderline anemic in the past. I don't
feel any different. Annoying! I have things to do!

I figure I'll see if the doc will do a strep test, and after that
I'm out of ideas. I don't know what is wrong. Maybe it will just
go away, just like it came out of nowhere. Still makes me wonder
what happened to me on that vacation. I'm sure I wasn't abducted
by aliens, or anything :)

Another workday, another evening of video games. I just don't have
the energy for anything else.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

True Relaxation?

Well, I never hooked up with the guy I was supposed to interview
this weekend, so my show is going to be another week late.
I do have an interview with a listener in Finland next weekend,
though! Maybe that will make up for my extreme tardiness :)

I'm also going to be interviewed by another podcaster for his
show this week. It will be weird to be on the other end of the
microphone, so to speak. Hopefully the gift of gab will not fail me.

Feeling about the same today. I tried to go for a walk but was very
weak and only made it half of my usual walk. Very frustrating! I
just don't feel bad, but the body isn't with me. I did manage to
exercise bike for 10 minutes later in the day - maybe if I break
it up into smaller sessions, my strength will return.

So I gave in an goofed off today too. I realized I really don't take
time to play enough. There is always something that should be
done, and I always feel that pressure. So having two completely
free days, without guilt, was very good for me. I am always so
driven, it is hard to truly sit back and play.

I think my idea of relaxation has been very wrong. I would study
Japanese, or try to catch up on podcast stuff, or get something
for the house that was needed. Those are good goal oriented things
that need to be done, but they don't replace what some people
call "me" time. Time where I really unwind, and am not driving to
get yet another thing done. I wonder where I got that insane
drive from? I wasn't like this growing up, at all - I was very,
very lazy! I don't know how or why I changed!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Oddly Off

Ugh. I missed writing yesterday because I don't feel quite right.
I went out for an omelet and a beer with the D.J. friend - and
nearly went unconscious by the time I got home. I went right to
bed and slept for 9 solid hours. Then today I had to nap again.
I did feel better after all the sleep, and the throat pain was
not as bad.

I feel perfectly fine, except for this sore throat that is not
horrible but annoying, and the fact I've had it for about a
month. Also every time I eat a lot of protein, like last night,
me body shuts me down immediately. Very strange! I did give in
and make the doctor's appointment for Wednesday. I suspect I
am locked in a battle, where my tonsils keep grabbing a virus
and hold it at bay, but I never quite fight it off. I'm taking
lots of immune booster herbs too.

When we got up this morning, Cay drug me off to the opening of
the 4th Apple store in this area, over at Ridgedale. We stood in
line for 1/2 an hour to get in (but the 1st 1000 people got free
t-shirts, so we hung in there) and we did get our t-shirts.
We also registered to win a free iMac computer, as that is the
only way we'll get a new one for quite awhile....

I took it very easy the rest of the day, hoping to fight off
whatever the heck this throat problem is. Kinda nice to goof off
that much, though!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Comfortable Ruttiness

Oh my - the days are getting really similar. I have to wake up
every day and announce to myself "Thursday - today is Thursday!"
I go to work (and have a pretty good time, granted), come home
and eat, read email, exercise, blog, and play a little of Kingdom
Hearts 2
(the video game we are working our way through).

I am pretty content, overall though. It is a comfortable existence.
Isn't this what I was aiming for on the drugs? If not happiness,
at least content? Why do I get it now, long after I quit the drugs?

Life isn't amazing, but it isn't too bad. Should I push towards
greatness? I suppose greatness is uncomfortable.... There is so
much I am not doing, I've had to prioritize what I can get into
a day. I achieved what I was trying to do the last year - live
in the moment, and not worry too much about what is to come.
And yet -

I feel like I'm coasting again, like I've done most of my life.
I'll probably get restless and change everything again at some
point - but for now, I guess I've earned a respite.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Uncomfort - (well, it should be a word!)

Finally - a new Channel Surfing Wipeout Video! First one in
about a month and a half. I swear they are getting stranger. And that
since I went off the drugs! They aren't so much funny as just weird.

The characters that David and I do for the Home Shopping Network
scare us. We put on the costumes, and those obnoxious characters
just come out. It isn't scripted or rehearsed - it was just done
as is, in one take. The only thing that can mean is there is a
piece of those horrible people living in our souls. They are secret
parts of us - and we love doing them! :)

Lots of research at work today, I love evaluating software and
hardware for our use. Doesn't always pay off, but it is a good time.
I'm having fun, though no one around me seems very happy. I wonder
why?

Otherwise, getting tired of no sleep and too much pain. I couldn't
sleep again last night - tired as I was, due to pain and having ate
something that not only disagreed with me, but planned a violent
escape. Ugh! My throat has been sore for a few days each week for
the last several weeks. It goes away and comes back rather regularly,
but no other symptoms. I haven't a clue what that is.

The rest of the pain is body aches in my legs and arms that just
won't quit unless I get up and take a hot bath in the middle of
the night. What the heck is that about? Been that way since the
trip. No amount of exercise or stretching or vitamins or rest,
seems to help. I suppose I should give in and make that doctor
appointment, but she will just give me more drugs that I don't
want to take. I'm getting by, I'm just vaguely uncomfortable all
the time.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Opposites

Opposites. Life is so full of them.
I couldn't sleep much last night because I was worried about how I
was handling the person that seemed so critical of me. We talked
today, and it seemed to evaporate.

And today was 6/6/06 - jokes about 666 Number of the Beast.
But it was a VERY good day for me. I had my yearly review at work.
In 2 weeks I will have been there an entire year! I still feel
so new!

The review was good. Hell, it was exceptional! They like me A LOT!
You never know for sure until you see it on paper, signed in
triplicate. Dollars amounts and comments from your boss and peers.
It pleased me so much, I read it 3 times. They REALLY like me!
I guess I found a home for awhile :)

So one day my confidence is crumbling, the next day my ego is
too fat to get through the door. I suppose it is to be enjoyed.
Life doesn't let fat egos live for long - there is always the
next deflating experience that will probably come along tomorrow.
(Why doesn't weight loss work that well? Hmmm, maybe it is good it
doesn't - I'd be gigantic one day, and anorexic the next...)

For now, I am very pleased, and very tired! Good Night!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Kindness is so bloody simple

Thinking about how easy it is to be kind, and what a huge influence
it can have on a person's day. If you are going to bother to talk,
why is it so much harder to say something really kind to someone,
rather than something mean? Don't people realize what a difference
it can make?

Today - I saw both. I payed attention to how I felt in each case.
At work, there is someone that no matter how hard I try to do good
work for him, everything he says is critical of me, tears me down,
and makes me feel like he doesn't want me around. It is "supposedly"
joking, but it is never, ever nice. How do I feel? Pretty sad and
rotten after awhile. He can take my happy, good mood, and in
a short time - turn me into a bundle of anxiety.

My web friend Phil, made two very nice comments about my photo
ad, and when I read his comments, I smile, feel good, and sexy!

Neither the kind comments nor the critical ones take any more effort
than the other, and yet - they can change a human being's day.
Is it that hard to say - Wow! You look good! I love your shirt!
Good work! I'm glad you are here! Thanks for helping me?

I try to say those things as much as I can. Life is so short, and
the cost of kindness is so small. I sometimes I think I take people
a bit aback in my heartfelt, loving comments - but too many people
have died or gone before I could ever say those things to them.
Even if someone takes it badly, at least I know I tried.

I know how good I feel when I am on the receiving end of kind and
loving comments. Trust me on this one. Be kind.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Libsyn advertisement

Libsyn sure makes me "comfortable".
Sue Grandys - Uncomfortable Questions


My Fabulous Film Career

All video work today. Came up with pictures and text so we could be
"Celebrity Endorsements" for our podcast hosting service: Libsyn.
Free advertisements for our various podcasts! I'll post the picture
and text I sent in for show above this post.

Then David came over and we filmed an entire episode of
Channel Surfing Wipeout. Hopefully it will be edited and up
in a day or two - it's been well over a month since we did a show.
I did enjoy having a break from it, though. Creative recharge.

Now I'm exhausted and want to go to bed. Filming is hard (and hot)
work. The "lazy" me is glad I didn't become a film star - I can't
imagine doing that for 12 hours a day in hot costumes and makeup!

So did I go into computers because I was lazy? I sure taxes the
brain, but not so much the body. Did I make my final lifetime career
choice out of sheer physical laziness? Makes me wonder. My degree
actually is in Theatre! I didn't go back to school for computers
until I was 27, and rather tired of being poor.... Hmmm, so it
was laziness and greed! :) :)

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Visions of Harry Potter Dance In My Head

Well my clever plan to lose weight didn't quite work out - I gained
1 and 1/2 lbs - probably in pure muscle mass. Has to be - they are all
yelling at me. I guess they wake up when you punish them enough.
Mean little suckers they are.

Did some shopping and enjoyed the very warm but beautiful
summers day. I love driving down the streets with the canopies
of full leafy green trees making tunnels throughout the city.
How do cities without such a huge number of trees, do summer?

Finally tonight, I watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Yes, I am that far behind on my movies. I loved the movie, even
though they left out half of the book. They still managed to
keep the meaning of the story there. There was no way to cram
that book into one movie. I can't imagine how they are going
to make book 5 into a movie. Mostly it is about anguish,
frustration, and waiting.....

I had a heck of a time finishing that book. I was reading it
while my life was going very wrong and filled with frustration,
friendships going wrong, questioning who I was, and waiting....
Not good escapist literature, when it reflects your real life.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Skating Daemon!

I had enough sense to come home at a reasonable hour, but decided
not to go out for the usual Friday dinner and beer with D.J.
friend. I've lost 3 pounds this week, so in spite of missing the
beer, food, and my friend - I ate a salad, and made attempt #2
at in-line skating, instead. I haven't gone since before vacation.

Mostly I flailed around 1/4 of the lake, so I got no further than
last time, but I did make a lot more vaguely skating-like motions.
I was pouring sweat by that point, and my legs ached, so it must
be tremendously good exercise. I guess my next goal is to get 1/2
way around the lake. Some people go several times around the lake
but getting around even once seems very far away!

I'm sure the muscles will report in tomorrow, but hopefully the
pain will get less each time.

I was very content and comfortable at work today, and really feel
like I belong there now. I wish I had a magic answer for everyone
on how to shorten the time of loneliness and discomfort at a new
job until you get it down, and meet enough people. Even being fully
aware of the issues with starting over and actively trying to
shorten the adjustment, I couldn't make it happen faster.
It annoys me that I couldn't overcome that. What is the point in
getting older, if you can't do things better?

It is behind me now. I suppose it is time to just enjoy it.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Happy Accidents!

Work was - well, work! I struggled with some hardware until 7pm and
then wandered off, a little dazed forgetting to send 2 emails I
needed to send. So logged back on, and finished up. Interesting
stuff though, I'm enjoying the challenge.

Then started searching the web for a video of a triple set of
PBS shows I saw in 1996 "The Mozart Sessions", "Rhapsody in Blue"
and "Appalachian Waltz" hosted by Bobby McFerrin. You can get the
CD's but they never did put out the videos - not the same! :(

But this led me to some spectacular finds on the web. I didn't
know about www.youtube.com - people are putting up videos of
darn near everything!

If you think of Bobby McFerrin as that "Don't Worry, Be Happy" guy,
then you have to view this video of Bobby McFerrin - Solo.
I knew he was doing this kind of work, but this reminded me that he
had taken the voice where no one has taken it before. Wow!!!!!

That led to this video: Bobby Mcferrin & Grupa Mocarta
where I made the happy discovery of "Grupa Mocarta". I searched on
Grupa Mocarta in youtube and spent the rest of the night watching
all of their short videos. They are from Poland and do very funny
and wonderful things that a string quartet should not do! They
were in it for the pure joy and fun, in addition to being startling
and multi-talented musicians. Music has not brought me that much
joy in ages! I couldn't stop smiling and shouting with delight!

I love it when you find something wonderful by accident.
May the Web never die.