Monday, June 26, 2006

What is progress?

I've been feeling lately like I am going nowhere. I don't see that
I am making progress with my life.

I'm totally ignoring the fact that I just got through a major
depression. (I graduated today! A lady from the behavioral health
center was checking in with me once a month, and gives a
"depression test". When I started I scored a 22 out of 25
possible, for how depressed I was. Today, being off the drugs
or any treatment for two months, I scored a 2 !! - She agreed
with me that I was done).

But I don't consider that an accomplishment, just that I wasted
a year of my life getting back to where I am supposed to be.
It is hard not to really resent the people and places that put
me there. One of my current friends would tell me gently "I look
at it as another learning life experience". Yeah, well I didn't
enroll in that school! Or maybe I did...

I knew a lot of what happened to me was going to cause me a great
deal of pain, and I chose to go ahead and experience it - instead
of protecting myself. Living in a shell isn't much of a life, either.
What a choice - "live and take all the pain", or a "safe death-like

O.k. and I suppose there is the small matter of the 2 web
shows I've been doing for about a year. Quite a lot of work
done there, but the audiences are dwindling and I can see
that their run is nearing an end.

I'm proud of the body of work I did, but it is becoming obvious
that I need to do something new going forward - I just don't
know what that is. Maybe this is just the slow time between
creativity. I almost bought a new Mac iBook this weekend, just so
I could start editing my own videos and writing music for them -
(Cayenne does all of the video editing) but I talked myself
back out of it, for now. $1700 is a lot of money, and I'm
not 100% sure that is what I should be doing....

I guess need concrete, visual results. I suppose that is why I
did the landscaping this weekend. I can look at it and say "I
did that! There it is!" I need to find more things like that,
where I can't deny the visible progress.

I just wish I really knew what I wanted to be when I grow up.
I don't have any drive to do any one particular thing, just to
dabble in a lot of things. I suppose I don't accept that one
could aspire to be a dilettante when you grow up....


Big Phil said...

In my case progress is feeling better.

I actually went to a movie today for the first time in over a year and a half.

I then ate at a Mexican resturant I had been wanting to try for a while.

While buying groceries I decided to buy some beer.
I hadn't drank a beer since last November.
Heineken, bottled and brewed in Holland!

Simple things? Yes.

Simple as they are, I wouldn't have wanted to do any of these things a few months ago.

Now I have to get motived to clean the apartment!

Susan Grandys said...

Yay Phil!
I'm so glad that you too are experiencing the return to the living.
I think there should be huge warnings on Lexapro - that you are going to misplace your life for the duration....

If you actually clean the apartment, you should get the dogs to help! Yeah, I know, they are lousy at it...

Big Phil said...

On the topic of your podcast...
I've noticed my audience dwindling as well. My show has a rather large "college" audience. I'm sure these kids are enjoying summer break.
I noticed a similar dip last year between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I actually considered ending my show a few times.
The bottom line is I do the podcast as much for me as I do for the listeners.

Of course, I don't put as many hours into my show as you put into your show.

Susan Grandys said...

I did notice the drop in podcast audience between Thanksgiving and Christmas. However my audience has been really light for the last few months - I think it is just too big a comittment for most - to find an hour to listen.

And I can relate! I can't even find 10 minutes to listen to my favorite - and they post every darn day. I'm about 100 shows behind at this point.....

Big Phil said...

I'm always amazed when I see people who can produce a podcast a day.
Or even two or three a week.
Don't they work?