Monday, July 31, 2006

And Again....

When I looked at the weather report from work it said 101 with a
heat index of 117. I was very glad to be at work. Beat it for the air
conditioned bedroom as soon as I got home. This is supposed to
break sometime tomorrow. I so need to start exercising again.

Of course the first thing I did this morning was fall down the stairs.
Very sleepy, thought I was on the bottom and strode out - but I
was 2 steps up. Landed hard on the knees, including the one that
finally mostly healed up after two weeks. I think I only have
bruises though, and slightly sore knees. No wounded pride- the dogs
could care less if I fall down the stairs. They just hope I dropped
some food....

Work has gotten crazy busy, but that is o.k. It comes in short bursts,
and I just have to get through the challenge. Trying to do 4 things
at once right now - it should settle down to one or two in a couple
of weeks.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a report of boundless energy and
ambition bourn from bearable temperatures.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

More of the same...

For a bit this morning, I thought we were going to escape from the
heat. It was mid 80's with a stiff wind. Even had lunch in the yard
after being stuck in my room for a day. Then the heat shot up to
about 99 with heat index of about 107. The good part is with dew
points at 75-79, even though it hasn't rained in a long time, the
plants are happy. Must be sucking the moisture out of the air.

So it was banished back to my room. Nothing done of merit (yes, I
was still playing video games....) until this evening when I had a
Skype interview with Erin from Utah (yes, I am interviewing
everyone in Utah - she's the 3rd in a row), co-host of the Choose
the Left
podcast. She is a funny delightful person with an infectious
laugh. She reminded me of me in a lot of ways. (Of course I liked her!)

Nothing for it but more goofing off now. Tomorrow is supposed to
be the hottest day yet. At least I can go to work if the air-
conditioning held out there! A chancy proposition.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Hiding out.

Why is it the heat waves are all hitting on the weekends? Heat index
of something like 117 degrees today. This is the 3rd weekend that I
spent mostly hiding out in my one air-conditioned room, the
bedroom. Luckily it is large and has a T.V., Playstation 2, DVD player,
and my laptop and books can be carried in.

Nonetheless, that can all become dull rather quickly if you have
to do it! Wow. Enforced mindless entertainment. Should everyone
have it so rough. But actually I'm kind of bored, so there is always
the trusty computer. I suppose I should be editing my next show,
but the interviews have been coming in so steadily, I need a
break from that, now and then.

Today I got caught up on the last 4 Shonen Jump magazines, (I
subscribe because I want to encourage them to bring more
Japanese entertainment to America. It is so unashamedly
passionate! And they are unabashed by doing flat-out cute.)
Then finished Omimusha 3 and started Onimusha 4. Beautiful
to look at and fun to play video games.

Eating can be a challenge - it is about 1000 degrees in the kitchen.
Went and bought food that can be eaten cold. This house is an
amazing heat trap. Except in the winter when it is drafty and cold.
Go figure. Maybe it is just contrary.

So they are predicting tomorrow and Monday will be even hotter.
I guess I'll get caught up on podcasts, or something. Ugh!

Friday, July 28, 2006


Teacher. Is that my role? I seem to be doing a lot of that these last
few years. And fondly watch some of my old students from afar to
see how they are doing, and enjoy seeing them grow. I wonder if
they knew how far I will go to teach. There are no walls. There are
no limits. They will never know who I really am inside. I don't show
that - it would ruin the teaching.

Once I adopt the persona for the longer term students I choose to
teach, I never, ever, break character. The persona was chosen for
them specifically to also teach them. That theatre degree was
good for something! :) It is kind of a lonely task, sometimes. I think
humans have an innate desire to truly communicate, and be
understood..... No matter, the new ones to teach keep showing up.

Why me? I'm smart, and an extremely fast learner - but is that the
only qualification? I never set out to be a teacher - it is a role that
seems to choose you. Maybe it is mostly the willingness to take the
time, how ever much that takes, and the strong interest in other
people, and the desire to help however you can.

Maybe it was a long time coming. I have a large wolf tattooed on my
chest. I put it there 15 years ago. The wolf is the teacher in some
American Indian symbologies. I didn't know that at the time, it just
seemed the right thing to do.

I teach knowledge, technology, life - whatever it is that someone
comes to me needing to learn. I often learn along with them, which
I like the best. If anyone asks me anything, I drop what I am doing
and try to answer, or go research it, or talk to people who know the
answer, or even just give moral support and encouragement while
they learn it themselves.

I still don't feel qualified to take on this role. It seems presumptuous
to even call oneself a teacher. I know that I don't know it all. Where
are the ones who will help me grow? There really haven't been any
for me.

Where is my teacher?

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Flawed Reality

I was just talking to Cayenne on how you have really clear
memories of things that didn't happen. How you know there is
this scene in a movie and a great line - you can see the whole
thing in your head, and then you watch the movie again and
your memory is all wrong. I feel weird when things like that happen.....

It started with a conversation about Bill O'Reily from The O'Reily
and how when he is called on facts or something he said - he
will deny he ever said something that is on tape, and can be proven.
Or if he gets a fact wrong, will steadfastly continue with his version
of reality.

That led to talking about something that is sometimes called "The
Right Man Syndrome" where someone has to be "right" in the face
of all evidence to the contrary. (Strangely enough, a search on the
web of this syndrome turns up strong tie-ins to serial killers and
mass murderers.... yikes!)

I like to think I am pretty fluid in my mind, to change when I find
new facts that challenge my viewpoint. Then I started thinking about
how if we are just a collection of our memories, and those memories
are really, really flawed - just how creepy that is.

If we are a collection of our own fictions, then what are we really?
How can we even function in reality? There seems to be an increasing
swing in this nation to ignoring facts, and everyone is living in
their own made-up realities. That if they just say something
ridiculous, enough times, it will somehow become true because they
want it to.

I used to think truth and facts were pretty important. Actually I
still do. But still allow room for people's personal philosophies and
spirituality (I think humans need some of that). But facts and
some reasonable form of reality just don't seem to be important
to most of the nation anymore. Why?

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Fat Head

Yup, sleep was the answer. I had a really good day. The weight came
right back off, nothing really was hurting today. I felt rested and
ready to take on the day. Not a bit crabby!

I got my blood tests back. The Lipitor is working - my cholesterol
numbers came down to the impossible numbers they are now
demanding for Diabetics. LDL under 80?? Mine was 78!
The blood glucose levels are up a bit - still o.k. but high for me,
so it is time to add another pill. I was down to 2 a day, now back
to 4. This is why I struggle so with the weight, if I can get it off -
the numbers will be much better, and the diabetes won't progress.
That is one kind of progress I don't need in my life!

Did lots of work, and even wrote a program today! I never get to
write code anymore - just testing work (which I do love) - but I
was a programmer originally, and kept getting sidetracked by stuff
that was more fun. I even got my program working on a limited run
before I left work today.

I was inordinately pleased with myself at how smart I still am, how I
still "got it" until about halfway home, I realized there was a big bug
in the program, and it wouldn't work on anything over 200 entries.
So now, cut down to size, I know how to fix it for tomorrow.

It would be fun to be able to maintain a "fat head" in my life for more
than about an hour at a time.... That's my life. I'm really great or
cool, for about an hour -followed by hours of stupidity!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

24 Hour Crabbies

You can get the 24 hour flu, can you get the 24 hour crabbies? (that's
crabbies, not crabs!!) Since last night I have been getting crabbier
and crabbier. Generally I am not prone to being really crabby.

It started when we realized the video we shot of the band (that I
passed out for, and injured my knee for) wasn't going to work. The
picture quality is good, but even though we had 4 sound sources, not
one of them would work. The 2 camera's sound was crap, the iriver
recorder was muddy, and the expensive MicroTrack hit the ground
when I passed out and ejected the flash card. I had a zero length
file from all that recording! So it was for nothing.

Then I payed bills and realized I didn't have enough money to pay
them all, and wouldn't next pay period. And probably not enough
right until the end of the year when the car is payed off. Grrrrr.

I couldn't sleep because I was hot, and sore, and asthmatic all night.
I thought I had pretty much beat the asthma, but it is coming back
quite a lot lately. I hadn't used my inhaler in years, and now I have
to use it many times. I don't need any more chronic illness. And I
gained weight on my latest diet this morning!

So I woke up really tired and mad, and it just continued all day.
I was sore (not in a good way) from my attempt at working out
yesterday, and felt kind of ill all day. It really was "getting up on the
wrong side of the bed" days - except it started before I went to bed.
I'm a little better tonight and hopefully if I can sleep - I will be a
chipper paragon of, um, something tomorrow....... Good Night!

Monday, July 24, 2006

Same Old

Bleah! It is supposed to be in the 90's for another week, at least. This
is too hot for Minnesota. We just aren't well air-conditioned here.
The problem is almost always how to stay warm, not cold!

I'm walking without a knee brace now, and tonight I managed
a light workout. The all the muscles were tightening up, to the point
I couldn't straighten my legs. It felt good to pound on some weights.

Can't tell anything from the diet yet. Yesterday was carb day, today
was no-carb. It is at least very easy. You can give up anything for 24
hours. I did lose the pound that I gained on Friday from all the beer
and calzone. So there David!

It was nice to be at work, in the air conditioning. I probably wouldn't
have left, except we had a huge thunderstorm that dropped the
temp from 96 to 76 degrees in minutes!

Everything is just kind of ho-hum. I really need some excitement....
hard to generate in day-to-day life. I really should have been a world
traveler, or photographer for National Geographic. That was always
my ideal job. Of course, I am a lousy photographer......

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Hot, Pain, and Podcasting - (in any order)

The knee is better today, but I had a horrible Nair accident this
morning, and let's just say sitting is excruciatingly painful. I'd like
to be completely pain-free for a week, just to find out what it is like!

It was only 90 degrees today, but I am beginning to think maybe I did
have a mild heat-stroke last weekend. The heat hasn't bothered me
all summer, and I just couldn't bear it today - and retreated to the
air-conditioned bedroom. Heat stroke makes you very sensitive to
the heat for awhile, it screws up your internal thermometers, or

I went looking for a new book today on "The Fat Burning Diet". It is
based on rotating every day, low-carb then carb-load. It is something
weightlifters use. I had stumbled on the theory by accident, myself.
If I get stuck, I eat a big dose of protein, and I usually drop weight.
No one had the book, so I had to send for it online.

I tried to catch up a little on a few podcasts I was sort of committed
to listening to - I'm only up to about March on those. I also caught
a cast by my last guest on Uncomfortable Questions - Jake and his
ex-wife do one called "Choose the Left" at http:\\
I was ego scanning, because they mentioned me in #16, and I was
completely in love with them by the end of that show. Wow!
Listen to my Jake Interview, and then go grab that one. It is
the most beautiful, honest and sincere thing I've ever heard.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

If this were a plane, I'd be in Japan, by now....

It was grueling edit of the show day! I spent nearly the entire day,
putting together the 1 year Anniversary show for my Uncomfortable
podcast. It is really long 1 hour and 7 minutes - but I had
to edit down 1 hour and 36 minutes of really good material and add
in a couple promos, and, and, well heck, it IS the anniversary show.
I stopped trying to stuff it into the usual 45 minutes, and let it flow.

So it is up: #41 - Jake Cordova Interview
And of course, I think it is a great one!

But since it took about 12 hours to put it together, I realized that if
I were on the plane, I'd be landing in Japan by now, so if only I
could take a laptop and a really long show, the flight in March
wouldn't be so bad. Of course, they don't have A/C power for those
flying coach..... Did you know that Business class to Japan from here
costs over $8000!!!! So coach and a Nintendo DS will have to suffice...

I'm now as stiff as if I'd been on that plane. My knee is not healing
up, it's been a week now, since I injured it, and has given me much
trouble today. I really want to get back to walking again. Like to the
bathroom, even, would be good!

Friday, July 21, 2006

Real Reality

Mmmmm, I am all full of beer and Calzone. I've been putting off
eating anything good, or drinking until tonight - the monthly get
together with folks from my last job. It is a way to keep me on my
diet, if I know sometime in the next month, I can eat what I want.

It is weird to eat and drink good things until you are full, a strange
but comfortable feeling in my stomach. Also from 3 hours of good
company with people I really like. We just chattered and bantered
about nothing substantial - but that is nice and happy making, and
now I am sleepy and content.

Nothing else going on, and that is probably a good thing. Tomorrow
I have to get the next show edited and up - and may have another
interview - trying to schedule a time to a woman in Newfoundland.
May the Skype Gods be kind. They have their own time zone!
(Newfoundland, not Skype) which is 2 1/2 hours ahead of CST.

My ideal life would be to go to all these places to do the interviews
in person. Hear that T.V. stations? Wouldn't that make a better
show than all that reality T.V.? This is "real reality".
(Of course I would have to interview lots of people in Japan, and
Maui, and Australia, and England - all the places I like to visit!)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Challenge

So I did go to bed at 9 and slept ten and a half hours. It was one of
those times the body goes into "repair mode" and you really don't
get anything to say about it! I guess that because I hadn't slept
much since collapsing on Saturday, it had a lot of work to do on
my body and my knee. I feel much better, though my knee is
worse today.

I so wanted to work out tonight, and I thought maybe the exercise
bike would be o.k. When I couldn't even walk over to the bike, I
changed tactics rather quickly. Do you know if you lay down in
front of the bike and push on the pedals with your arms it is
intensely hard? I also tried standing in front of the elliptical
runner and pull on the bars with my arms. I didn't last long at
either. Your legs are just unfairly stronger than your arms!

I guess I have more healing to do, before the exercise regime is
resumed..... frustrating, since I've lost 4 lbs in the last 2 weeks,
and feel like I could be on a roll, if I could just work out.
Does life always get in your way, more than it helps out?

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


I'm so sleepy, I want to go to bed right now! I haven't been sleeping
well due to the heat and the pain in my knee from the fall on
Saturday. The weather finally broke, lots of rain today and about
75 degrees. I plan on one huge sleep tonight.

The depression didn't come back - I guess going unconscious is kind
of like an electro-shock therapy treatment? :) :) The last show is
getting so many downloads, I can't believe it. It shows no signs of
slowing. Am I linked somewhere I don't know about? Still no one
sends email on the show. 1025 downloads, and not a single comment.
I suppose they see it like T.V. - you never call the station when you
like a show. I gotta finish editing the next show, and see how that does!

I have a fasting blood test in the morning, so since I can't eat, bed
sounds about right......

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The best anniversary present

Since "itunes" made me change categories because my old one was
going away, my last Uncomfortable Questions show has gone nuts.
I guess the new Society and Culture - Philosophy category was
where I needed to be. My audience has doubled!!! I am about to go
over 1000 people for 1 show! And all the old shows are doing well
too. The biggest show I had before this is about 900, and that took
months to get that high. This took 12 days.

I am astonished. I always said if I ever had an audience of 1000
people, I would think I had made it. Well here I am. I just mostly feel
humble and honored (and small - quite a feat for a rather tall, big,
hard to miss woman!).

I'm always a bit overwhelmed when I make a goal. I don't have all
that many. It seems kind of unreal. Needless to say, I am very
motivated to keep doing the show, and have 2 interviews being
edited, and 2 more being lined up. Lots more women are
volunteering too! What fun this is! I sure hope the audience
continues to like the show. I'll continue to make it the best I can.

I just passed my 1 year anniversary of doing the show on July 10th.
I didn't do a special show, but I couldn't have dreamed of a better
anniversary present! Here is to another year!

Monday, July 17, 2006

Searching for Cool

I did have the good sense to stay in bed most of yesterday with my
knees propped up, and worked on editing a show, and then watched 5
episodes of the original "Connections" T.V. show with James Burke.
I've seen the 2nd and 3rd series, but not the 1st series. It is by far
the best, though the clothes, cars, and technology are looking pretty
funny. I think it was made in the late 70's.

Today was a fruitless search to stay cool. When I got to work, one of
the air conditioning vents above my equipment was out. After lunch
I had to go to the doctor for an ultrasound (to check on some fibroids
she found last year, and wanted to make sure they hadn't grown -
probably will be o.k. - both cancer tests came back negative).

And sure enough, the air conditioning was broken in radiology. It
takes about 1/2 hour to get the ultrasound, and both the
technician and I sweated like mad in the un-airconditioned room.

So I went back to work and not an hour and a half later, one of the
major air conditioners blew. The labs heated up so rapidly, it was a
mad dash to turn everything off before they overheated. And since
the lights were out, I was turning off about 50 pieces of equipment
by feel - trying to find the switches, and failing that - pulling the
plugs. Our lab guy told us the air conditioner guys might not show
up for another 4 hours, so we all went home.

By now it was only about 90 degrees out, so I think the worst of the
heat is over. The power at home held out, so it is at least cool in my
room. I guess that transformer they put in a month ago was better
than the others. I even managed to stretch and work out my upper
body. The knees will take a few more days to heal, and then I can
go back to the usual exercise. And the diet was going so well....
and life keeps interrupting it!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

That was, er, unexpected...

Well, yesterday was certainly...interesting...
The temperature hit 101 degrees with a heat index of about 110.

I spent the day trying to stay cool, and deal with what seemed to be
some early symptoms of the old depression coming back. Being
determined to find another way than drugs, I grabbed the only helpful
book I've found so far "The Chemistry of Joy", and made sure I had
taken all the right vitamins, dietary choices, upped my herbs for
Seratonin, and started really working on the Buddhist breathing and
meditation exercises in the book. I'm going to head this off on my
own, this time, or I will never be free of it - I tried the Western
medicine approach, and I didn't like it. Now for the Eastern...

Actually all that seemed to help quite a bit, and the bad thoughts
went away. The first time I've been able to get control of them on
my own! If I can keep my Seratonin levels up through these methods
without drugs, I might be o.k.

Then I had a lovely Skype interview with Christiana from Utah for the
Uncomfortable Questions show. I really enjoy those darned
interviews! I always feel so good afterwards, and she had some good
and timely advice for me on seeing things positively, and not beating
yourself up. They were good things for me to hear, right then.

Then right after that, Cayenne and I had promised to film a band of
3 friends of ours. I knew it was probably too hot, but they were on
first, and it was only 1/2 hour set, so I thought it would be fine.

We got there, set up, and started filming. I was set up back in a
corner with a low overhang, so I could get the long shots and run the
sound recorder. I just had a monopod and was constantly working to
frame the shots, when I noticed I started sweating a lot about
halfway through the show. Being an old Theatre major, I just brushed
it off and kept trying to get the shots. 4 songs before the end, I knew
I was in trouble, I felt burning heat rush into my head, and I got
lightheaded and dizzy and thought, "Damn it! I can't finish this".
I don't remember anything after that, until I woke up on the floor
with people working on me.

Apparently I passed out from heat exhaustion. I've never passed out
and was rather startled at the gap in my memory. Those who saw me
fall, said I sort of sat back on the bar stool, layed the camera on the
table, and then disappeared under the table. I'm rather proud that
I saved the camera. We borrowed it from David to have a 2nd
camera for multiple shots and it was his new one!

The next thing I knew, people I didn't know were putting cold bar
cloths on me, fetching me water and fanning me. What kind people
they were! They stuck with me, until I recovered. It really was much
cooler on the floor. I should have filmed from down there! The band
found out after the set, and all rushed over and were so mortified!
I hope I didn't ruin their evening. They were the best I've ever seen
them, and I'm pissed I didn't get the last 4 songs.

The band all helped me to the car carrying all our gear, and saw us
off. I know the sweetest darned people! It wasn't until I got home
that I realized I was dehydrated, starving, and I had pulled the
ligaments in both knees when I fell (I guess I don't fall well, when
unconscious - I'll have to work on that :) ). I didn't sleep much from
the pain, but now I have my knee braces on both knees so I can walk
(yes I own a pair of braces, because I've destroyed my poor knees,
many times), and am resting comfortably in the blissful air
conditioned bedroom, which I don't plan to leave today.
That was just all far too...eventful!

Friday, July 14, 2006

The Watchers

Strange, I've been exercising more through the heat than usual. I'm
really taking this diet, way serious! (Of course the exercise is making
me very hungry... I find I talk about food, a lot!) Otherwise, it is
wise to not move from in front of the fan. And drink lots (of water).
And the heat warnings don't kick in until tomorrow. Heat indexes of
100 degrees aren't dangerous, it seems. It has to get even above
that to be scary. (To who?)

Life has been ok, but a bit strange. I feel a little odd, like I'm just a
spectator watching life go by. I talk and talk and talk to people, and
my mind sort of stands behind me, watching it happen. Maybe it's
that I'm just making small talk, and don't feel engaged in what is
going on.

While I talk, my mind is evaluating and calculating the other person,
how they are, how they are reacting, how they are really feeling, why
are they saying what they are saying?

Is it that my mind doesn't have enough to do? Just something weird
I've noticed lately. So my mind is behind me, watching me, watch
someone else - but since I noticed it, am I now behind all that
watching my mind watching? What if I notice me, watching my mind,
watching me, watching someone else? Then what?

Do I eventually hit infinity? Is it like approaching the speed of light
when your mass expands to fill everything? That doesn't sound like
a good way to diet!

Or maybe it is just the hunger and the heat.....

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Heating Up

The heat index has been 100 degrees the last 2 days, and now it is
supposed to really warm up! All kinds of heat warnings out for the
next three days. I bow to the power company Gods, in the hopes that
they'll manage to keep the power going for the next few days.

Every time it gets really hot, the transformer in our neighborhood
explodes, and we have no air conditioning, or fans, or anything. This
has been going on for years.... you'd think they would order the
super-duper platinum-plated transformer just for us. They've put so
many in over the last 7 years, it would save them money in the long
run. In the meantime the hottest weather is a time of dreadful

While not unhappy, I've noticed some of the old angst coming back
the last few days. I've been off the drugs for 3 months now, so I
suppose the Seratonin levels are starting down again. I kicked up
my herb combination of St.Johns Wort and 5-HTP to the full
recommended dose. Those are supposed to help Seratonin levels,
so we will see. I don't intend to go back on the drugs. Ultimately,
they weren't worth it. I would prefer to be depressed, as long as
I can keep functioning.

I felt o.k. on the drugs, but I hated sleeping all the time, and I'm
still mad about gaining some weight back after working so hard to
lose it. (Thank goodness it is coming off again, albeit slowly).
But worst of all was loosing all my ambition. I just didn't want to
do anything. I don't ever want to loose my drive again!

It still kind of mystifies me how I managed to start my podcast
and do a years worth of shows during that time (to say nothing
of the year of video shows). I guess that, and work, was all I did.
I remember it as being very grueling to motivate myself to keep
going. (And that was me without any drive. I guess I'm kind of
scary when I have some!)

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Mourning Still?

Hmmm, it seems I am still mourning the loss of things I thought I
was over. Why does mourning go in so many stages? I've thought I
was free of these things many times, but then when I do my sort of
"automatic" writing - like I did in yesterday's post to find out what
is really in my head - the pain is still there. Some of it from over a
year ago, some from 5 months ago. Why aren't I done?

My friend Phil says that time doesn't heal all wounds - the scar is
there. Maybe it hurts less over time, or you get used to living
with the pain, or it becomes less important, but it is still there. I see
what he means. I really thought I had accepted the way things went
over the last year. I thought I was moving forward. I have in a lot of
ways, my life is way better than it was. And yet, why am I still grieving?

I don't like the five classic "stages of grief" bullshit. They are "Denial,
Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance". I suppose everyone
does do some of that - but my stages of grief are more like:

Pain! Sad! Pain! Shutdown! Struggle through somehow, I hate
everything, engulfing sadness, I don't want to be human anymore,
exhaustion - I wont think about anything for awhile, sink into
despair, Why am I being so stupid? Pain! Ouch! Don't Think!
Gross, I hate this!
Repeat as necessary...

I don't think I go through denial (other than trying not to think
about it), bargaining, and certainly never go through "acceptance".
I don't seem to accept much of anything. I always think there are
other answers, other ways of doing things. I still equate acceptance
to giving up. And I hate being a quitter. I'm always willing to try,
no matter how tough things get.

I'll talk to anyone about anything - even if it is really hard and
painful. Nothing is forbidden. I hate it when people forbid you to talk
about stuff that you need to, either implicitly or explicitly. That is
the end of all communication. That is the end of all hope. That
doesn't do anybody any good at all. Why wouldn't we want to do
good and help people, rather than hurt them, given the choice?

This probably makes life way more difficult for me than it should be.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Thoughts Flambe

So many thoughts and feelings you can't write about. Not publicly
anyways. I just think them, and feel them, and let them go. (I guess
that is better - they used to consume me alive.) Now I just nod to
them, and let them proceed onwards to wherever they are going.
(Where do they go? I like the theory that our thoughts create
universes -there must be some very strange places.)
I kind of miss the intensity of letting it out, sometimes.

I used to have a friend that I could talk to about them, I loved the
freedom and ability to examine the strangeness, even the madness.
But now the thoughts remain silent. Why was there only one human
being who could go there with me? (and he never understood the
incredible value of that - it was more important than anything else
that happened).

In my last version of this blog I was able to let some of it out, but
even that freedom was taken away from me so shockingly by
someone I loved. Always the limits, always by those you love. I
suppose if you didn't care so much about them, there wouldn't be
such limits. Is love a limit? Should it be?

So I fall back into meaningless prattle, about what I did today,
that bores even me, talking in auto pilot while my brain rockets off
the stars.

What does everyone else think about? Do they think? Really think?
Do they let their minds wander through technicolor worlds, push
the boundaries of all edges, continuously shuffle thousands of
variables to imagine every combination, and stare into the faces of
the Gods?

I am beginning to doubt it.
How strange to be truly alone in your brain, for a lifetime.

Don't get me wrong. I am fairly happy and comfortable, these days.
But there is this ache to be able to really communicate freely and
unencumbered, by tradition, by limitations, by what other people
want to hear, by what is accepted or allowed. A hunger to be able to
express what is really in there. Someone I can truly talk to, without
limits. I almost had that once, but even that turned out to have walls.

Monday, July 10, 2006

I woke up dead

Life is one big crap shoot. My partner at work was out last week
because his sister-in-law died unexpectedly. She was at a birthday
party, felt a little tired and went to lay down. They found her 1/2
hour later - dead of a heart attack. She was less than a year older
than me. Most of my mom's family died like that in their early 50's.

I have 2 reactions to stuff like this. One is to think "I just don't feel
very old - why am I even thinking about death?" (Course I had a
friend who died like that when he was only 33!) The other reaction is
every morning that I wake up alive, is to be amazed and feel kind of

That humans still go on with all their petty, mundane things when we
are all faced every day with death is really kind of a strange and
bizarre thing. It doesn't make us live better, or faster, or do more
monumental things.

We get up, wonder what's for breakfast and go about our zombie
days -ignoring how precious every second is. We waste it like time
was endless. Maybe it is, and we inherently know that.
Or maybe we are really stupid.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Chemical Girl

Wow, 2 movies in 2 nights. That probably more than I've seen in the
last six months. The 1st Pirates of the Caribbean was wonderful fun.
I loved it and can't wait to see the 2nd one. I'm not sure I can hold
out for DVD for that one. There are so few movies that are just sheer
spectacular fun.

I finally watched the extended cut of the third Lord of the Rings DVD
tonight. Such a sad and tough movie - total contrast to last night. But
I'm glad I finally watched it. After seeing the movies and some of the
"making of" specials I'm pretty much convinced I don't want to be a
real filmmaker (other than independent bits such as we do). Good
God that is a hell of a lot of work! It make me tired just to watch
them making the movies!

Otherwise lots of chatting via Instant Messenger with my friend in
Japan, and via email to various people that have been on my
podcast show. It is so delightful that I still hear from some of them!
The rest of the weekend was completely lay back.

I had a headache for most of today so I wasn't the most ambitious
thing. I virtually never get headaches, so I was a bit confused at how
bad it was. Then I realized I hadn't had much coffee for 4 days. I had
switched to tea, because the coffee was making me a little ill on
some days. I drank more caffeine and felt much better. It was just
a nasty coffee withdrawal headache.
We are such delicate balances of chemicals.....

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Japanese and Pirates

It should come as no surprise that while shopping today, somehow 3
books on traveling to Tokyo were purchased. I even read through
two of them!

And its back to the commitment to listening to all of the (about 200
episodes now - they do it daily!) podcasts.
It is a delightful and easy show, a somewhat painless way to brush up
on all that Japanese that has been forgotten. It is coming back in fits
and starts - like today I just couldn't remember the word for
Wednesday. All the other days were there, but not that one. Ugh.
So much has fallen out of the brain.

I'm also back to exercising on a regular basis, and am steadily
building my strength back up. Where did all this motivation come
from? Just the promise of a distant trip to Japan? Does it take so little?

To make up for being so virtuous, I picked up the 1st Pirates of the
movie - since I haven't seen it yet and the 2nd one is
already out. I will have to live for an extra 50 years to catch up on all
the movies I've missed at this point..... so it's time to watch the movie!

Friday, July 07, 2006

Horizon Gazing

Oh my, much mail from and about my show. It is like one big warm
extended family, those who have been on the show. What a lovely
way to connect to people. It seems there are lots of new people and
new ideas cropping up - I guess Uncomfortable Questions is
indeed destined to continue for awhile! Ok, universe, I get the message!

Work was fun, I mostly ended up helping everyone else. As with
real life - everyone else's problems are way more interesting to work
on, than your own.

The threat of the Japanese trip seems to be helping. I lost 3 lbs in
the last 3 days. Whenever I want to eat - I think "Japan", and I am
motivated to get healthy. It is 9 months away - how long will that
last? Having that goal out there turns out to be monumentally
important to my way of living. I realized that for years and years,
there has been no goal, no treat at the end of the rainbow, nothing
to look forward to. Just existence. Could have been part of the

I only had 2 really major attainable goals in my life - finish college,
and then get work in the computer field and make decent amounts
of money. I got them both, but except for a few overseas vacations a
very long time ago, there hasn't been that excitement for the future.
I'll have to make sure there is always something off on the horizon.

I have lots of goals I will never achieve or that have distressingly
eluded me, my whole life. An exciting vacation is a good compromise
to give yourself something you can have.

Interestingly enough, you need to do both - live for today (and enjoy
it), but also have a reason to live for tomorrow. That "one day at a
time" philosophy is only half the picture and is often misused. Many
people struggle to get though just today, but there is no enjoyment in it.

I would change it to "fight for every ounce of fun you can get out of
today - but fling a jewel into the future too"

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Ping-Pong Balls of Life

I finally got 8 hours of sleep. Sleep is good. I feel a little more
functional today.

I had a Skype interview for the Uncomfortable Questions
podcast with Jake in Salt Lake City this evening - (an atheist
surrounded by Mormans - as he puts it). We talked for about an hour
and a half. He also got me 2 more interviews with women in Utah
over the next week. Yay! Women to interview are darned hard to
find. What is it with women? I sure never shut up - you'd think there
would be more like me out there.....

Every time I think the show is about to die - the interviewees pop
out of the woodwork, and my numbers go up. This is one show that
just wants to continue. I wish it was wildly popular, so I had a
clear message that people were interested in what I am doing, but
I guess I'll keep going, as long as the Universe provides (fodder)
er, people who want to talk and listen.

I looked up a lot of things about Tokyo and Japan today on the web -
and my friend in Tokyo sent some email and advice about visiting.
I got really excited. I guess I was also meant to go on a trip to Japan!

Oh dear, am I just being a ping-pong ball, bouncing off of life and
seeing where it takes me? I never feel like I'm being terribly
pro-active - but life keeps taking me to strange and interesting
places. So I never seem to change my modus operandi.
I guess if it works.....

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I Ain't Got Nothing

I worked until after midnight trying to get the interview show done,
(and still didn't finish). So I'm still short on sleep for about
6 days running. I felt completely done for at work and it took
quite a fight and several trips to the coffee machine to keep from
dozing off. I also started a very strict diet yesterday (in the
hopes that I will have to fit on a plane to Japan - and being
5'10" tall and a bit overweight makes that a challenge) but being
hungry gave me even less energy to draw from.

I finally finished the show tonight and posted it: get the latest
Uncomfortable Questions - Patrick Interview here.
Patrick is a 28 year old I.T. guy from Ohio that I interviewed via
Skype on Sunday. He was very easy to talk to, and we talked about
various science things. He is a huge fan of science and gave my show
yet another perspective.

itunes got rid of the category my show was in (talk radio) so I moved
it to "Society and Culture -Philosophy" which turned out to be a
good move. There are only 75 shows in there, and mine is listed
first - so my audience numbers have been going up nicely over the
last couple of days. I keep believing that there are many more
people out there who would really like my show, if they could just
find it amongst the 30,000 or so podcasts! There is no catagory
that really matches my show - so it is hard to reach people who
would enjoy it.

I also was contacted by two people who do another podcast out of
Utah - and they were both so delightful, I'm doing an interview
with each of them this week. I'm really looking forward to those.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006


Today was gorgeous out! I had to edit my interview show, so I
set up the computer on the porch and spent the whole day out
here editing and answering email on the computer. I'm still
out here!

I just didn't have the energy to go watch fireworks tonight,
so I am sitting out here listening to the booming of various
fireworks displays all around the city. Can't see any of them,
but the sounds of things exploding is kind of cheerful.

I really wanted to get the show up tonight, but it was so nice
out I kept wandering off. At one point, one of the dogs kept
walking up to the car and touching it with his nose. We got
the idea, and piled both dogs in the car and drove around the
chain of 3 lakes, that we live by in the city. The dogs
seemed to enjoy it, but who can tell? They never once said

I'm sorry the 4 days off are over, and tomorrow it is back
to the inside at the office. I mostly work in the lab and
never see what it is like outside. Sometimes you should just
stay outside....

Monday, July 03, 2006

Hit the Pause Button...

O.k. now that was too much activity. I feel like total crap today,
and I am really underslept. I had a marvelous time out last night -
a huge bunch of us sat out on the patio at the bar and talked the
night away in the warm summer air. Lovely! Kenji is only here
until Wednesday, and I'm going to miss the heck out of him.
Hard to believe I only met him about a week ago.

However I didn't get home unit about 2:30 am. and did not get
enough sleep. So going non-stop since Wednesday all hit me today
and I have no energy whatsoever. I was going to edit yesterday's
interview, but it just isn't going to happen. Hopefully tomorrow.

The troupe talked today about filming, and it looks like we all
need to try some solo stuff for awhile to grow as filmmakers.
Cayenne has been doing everything (directing, editing, music)
and David and I were just acting and writing. We will still use
each other in our projects - but it is time for some new things.
Hopefully this doesn't totally kill "Channel Surfing Wipeout".
We will use that space to do our individual projects for awhile.
Hopefully this will breathe new life into it.

It was a hard choice to make, because the video show is actually
more popular than either mine or Cayenne's podcasts. But it just
was becoming a chore, rather than the fun it needed to be.
We need to become re-enthused about doing video.

I'm also starting to take seriously the idea of actually going
to Tokyo this spring. I've said I wanted to for years, I need to
see if this can be made into a reality. Time to start fulfilling
some of those dreams. I have friends in Tokyo now, and if they
are still there in April, this may finally happen!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Historical Suckage

Who stole the day? Wow, that went fast. I slept late, and the
morning was gone. I had an appointment, had a creative crisis,
did another Skype interview for my show, and now it is time to
go to the bar for my friend's birthday. Augh - I didn't have
time to practice any new songs, I guess I'm not singing tonight.
Things should just slow the fuck down!

I had a lovely interview with Patrick from Ohio, this evening -
he is 28 years old and is an "optimistic realist", and was
great fun to talk to. I'll work on that edit the next 2 days
and hope to get it up before I have to go back to work.

Creative crisis - I am really, really working on what I want to
do next. I'll keep doing the interviews as they come in, I enjoy
them so much, but I have to find other things to fill the show
when the interviews don't come in. The video show has become
hard for both Cayenne and I. We are in a creative slump and
feeling like the show isn't progressing. We talked a lot about
this, and tomorrow will sit down with David and figure out as
a troupe how to remotivate and what we can do about it. I
suppose all creative people have these problems a lot....
Maybe it is how we progress - "growing pains", you know.

I often think that we as a nation, or even as humans probably
suck the worst before we do something good. We cling to old
ways, or want to go back to the past, and it is the worst right
before we break through and go on to the next level of
evolution. Almost like we can sense that big change is coming,
and we are afraid of things being different. That is my
optimistic viewpoint. The other viewpoint is maybe we just
suck at various times in our lives and history.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Luthers on the grill

Heat and Parties

The bands were fun last night - the Birthday Suits were more than
totally awesome! They were on fire with a passion that was amazing
to watch. We didn't get home to bed until about 2:30 and I'm
still a bit short on sleep.

Today was hot and sticky, but we rushed of to run several errands
and get a Birthday present for our D.J. friend's party. About
3 in the afternoon, the lack of food, and too much heat had me
pretty wilted.

But is was off to the party at 6 pm and I just got home. I had a
blast, and talked to so many people. We sat out front on the long
steps up to his 4-plex and enjoyed the summer. My butt hurts from
sitting on cement steps for about 5 hours!

Our friend cooked "Luthers" on the grill - I'll post a picture.
They should in no way be something you should eat -
a hamburger, with cheese and bacon, grilled on a Krispy Creme
Doughnut!!!! I was seriously dubious that this would be edible,
but it actually works. The sweetness of the doughnut goes really
well with the sweet bacon, and the burger. Surprised the heck
out of everyone (of course we all tried one).

So if my arteries survive, and I get some sleep - I may get
through tomorrow - a really crazy, busy day.