Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Mourning Still?

Hmmm, it seems I am still mourning the loss of things I thought I
was over. Why does mourning go in so many stages? I've thought I
was free of these things many times, but then when I do my sort of
"automatic" writing - like I did in yesterday's post to find out what
is really in my head - the pain is still there. Some of it from over a
year ago, some from 5 months ago. Why aren't I done?

My friend Phil says that time doesn't heal all wounds - the scar is
there. Maybe it hurts less over time, or you get used to living
with the pain, or it becomes less important, but it is still there. I see
what he means. I really thought I had accepted the way things went
over the last year. I thought I was moving forward. I have in a lot of
ways, my life is way better than it was. And yet, why am I still grieving?

I don't like the five classic "stages of grief" bullshit. They are "Denial,
Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance". I suppose everyone
does do some of that - but my stages of grief are more like:

Pain! Sad! Pain! Shutdown! Struggle through somehow, I hate
everything, engulfing sadness, I don't want to be human anymore,
exhaustion - I wont think about anything for awhile, sink into
despair, Why am I being so stupid? Pain! Ouch! Don't Think!
Gross, I hate this!
Repeat as necessary...

I don't think I go through denial (other than trying not to think
about it), bargaining, and certainly never go through "acceptance".
I don't seem to accept much of anything. I always think there are
other answers, other ways of doing things. I still equate acceptance
to giving up. And I hate being a quitter. I'm always willing to try,
no matter how tough things get.

I'll talk to anyone about anything - even if it is really hard and
painful. Nothing is forbidden. I hate it when people forbid you to talk
about stuff that you need to, either implicitly or explicitly. That is
the end of all communication. That is the end of all hope. That
doesn't do anybody any good at all. Why wouldn't we want to do
good and help people, rather than hurt them, given the choice?

This probably makes life way more difficult for me than it should be.


Myra said...

I agree wholeheartedly -- adding "rules" as to what subjects are forbidden spells a quick death to real friendship and any hope of intimacy. For me, they're relegated to the "acquaintance" category, where we exchange pleasantries, and no more.

Love your blog (and the podcasts in your circle) -- keep up the good work, and keep on seeking to understand life's mysteries!

Big Phil said...

I agree with you about the "classic stages of grief".
I've wrestled with grief many times over the years and have never followed this pattern.

Susan Grandys said...

Myra - thanks so much for your comment!
I'm glad there are people out there who enjoy my stuff - I don't hear from anyone, I'm never quite sure there is anyone out there! (Phil you are exempt from this statement - thank goodness you let me know you are out there!)