Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Thoughts Flambe

So many thoughts and feelings you can't write about. Not publicly
anyways. I just think them, and feel them, and let them go. (I guess
that is better - they used to consume me alive.) Now I just nod to
them, and let them proceed onwards to wherever they are going.
(Where do they go? I like the theory that our thoughts create
universes -there must be some very strange places.)
I kind of miss the intensity of letting it out, sometimes.

I used to have a friend that I could talk to about them, I loved the
freedom and ability to examine the strangeness, even the madness.
But now the thoughts remain silent. Why was there only one human
being who could go there with me? (and he never understood the
incredible value of that - it was more important than anything else
that happened).

In my last version of this blog I was able to let some of it out, but
even that freedom was taken away from me so shockingly by
someone I loved. Always the limits, always by those you love. I
suppose if you didn't care so much about them, there wouldn't be
such limits. Is love a limit? Should it be?

So I fall back into meaningless prattle, about what I did today,
that bores even me, talking in auto pilot while my brain rockets off
the stars.

What does everyone else think about? Do they think? Really think?
Do they let their minds wander through technicolor worlds, push
the boundaries of all edges, continuously shuffle thousands of
variables to imagine every combination, and stare into the faces of
the Gods?

I am beginning to doubt it.
How strange to be truly alone in your brain, for a lifetime.

Don't get me wrong. I am fairly happy and comfortable, these days.
But there is this ache to be able to really communicate freely and
unencumbered, by tradition, by limitations, by what other people
want to hear, by what is accepted or allowed. A hunger to be able to
express what is really in there. Someone I can truly talk to, without
limits. I almost had that once, but even that turned out to have walls.

1 comment:

Big Phil said...

You can talk to me.