Sunday, August 20, 2006

Angst Day

Today was kind of rough. I was having major angst attacks. I was
still working through and feeling sad about stuff from work Friday.
And that led me directly into a lot of fear/anger about my diabetes.
I've known I've had it for 7 years, but I didn't really face it, as my
pills controlled it well, and my glucose numbers were good.

When I lost control of the numbers, and couldn't keep them in range
I was faced with dealing with the fact I have a chronic disease, and
it might be getting worse. I am determined to avoid all the icky
scary problems it can cause: amputation, blindness, kidney failure,
heart failure, etc. by keeping very tight control of the blood sugar.
When I couldn't, I started feeling helpless against the disease, and
was feeling very frightened.

Then David, Cayenne and I got together, to discuss our video show
and podcast, Channel Surfing Wipeout again. I don't want to
give it up, but I can't motivate to do it. Caynene is kind of in the
same place. David is the only one actively working on it. We are
feeling like we can't go forward and yet it causes us great distress
if we think about giving up.

We were also feeling bad about the way we look on film now,
and I stupidly looked at itunes last night and the few reviews
of the show were scathing! We got 1 out of 5 stars. We just meant
it to be a really dumb humor show that would make people laugh
at it's sheer stupidity. I guess they don't get it, they were rather
mean. Is it so hard to bring a little joy into the world?

Finally I just layed in the hammock in the back yard for 5 hours
and talked with Cay and David. We enjoyed the beautiful day,
watched the wind in the trees, and the fluffy clouds drift by.
It was the right thing to do. We all needed to de-stress bigtime!
Life has been a little hard on all of us lately.

So now I have to go face work tomorrow, and the doctor about
the diabetes, and hope that things will be better. Am I still
afraid? Hell yes! But at least I'm a little calmer and able to
take a deep breath, and plunge ahead.


Big Phil said...

If The Creature from the Black Lagoon thought you were ugly would you be upset?

If a 45 year old living in his parents basement felt you were unsuccessful would you feel like a failure?


I wouldn't worry what these jerks think.

Susan Grandys said...

I am baffled by people who go out of their way to "not like" something. If I don't like something, I ignore it. I don't write a review about it. Most people can't even motivate to write a review about things they like. It is weird that the only thing that motivates some people is negativity.

Sometimes I'm not sure I like humans all that much....