Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The other side of pain

The tree by work is bright red again. I realized a year has gone by
since it was that beautiful flame color last fall. It caused me to
reflect on where I've been in the last year.

And I realize that nothing is really different. I am still sad, I still
feel a lot of pain about life. I don't really trust anyone. The ones
I opened my heart to and believed in, only betrayed that.
The health is no better, the joys have been sparse. I still fret a
lot over my friends, and there is nothing I can do to help. I'm
not sure that they consider my help a thing that matters. All
the things I so wanted to happen this year, did not. Not one thing.
(So much for keeping a mental laundry list of "Things That I
Want".)

And yet, having gone through the pain, I feel like I am looking
backwards at it. I have a different relationship to it. Now I
acknowledge that life is pain, at least for me, (I will never be
one of those people who find joy in everything) but it doesn't
bother me as much. I fought it so hard, for so long, trying to
make it otherwise and it nearly consumed me. Now I see the
pain as an almost distant observer.

It simply is.

2 comments:

David Cummer said...

"I still fret a lot over my friends, and there is nothing I can do to help. I'm not sure that they consider my help a thing that matters."

I would disagree about the last part.

Big Phil said...

I know how you feel. I don't think I can ever trust anyone again.
I'll certainly never love again.

I'm not bitter. Far from it.
My heart may be stone, but for the first time in years I feel absolutely content.

The one person I can always count on is none other than moi.