Friday, September 08, 2006

Why the bloody hell am I here?

I feel like there should be a purpose that I am supposed to be
fufilling, but I'm not. Or maybe it is just an attempt to impose
meaning on my chaos?

I ponder the themes that have run through my life for a clue:

Am I here to explore food? If we choose our life and our purpose,
why would I have chosen to also be fat and diabetic? Not compatible
with an enjoyment of the finer foods :(

Love. Something I've always wanted and craved. But I wasn't
given the equipment I need for that exploration. I'm not the
greatest lover, just o.k. I'm not beautiful, nor have I ever
attracted love. It just didn't happen. 10 lovers or so, but most
were weekend flings. No one wanted to stay. Why?

Friendship. I'm pretty comfortable and fun to be around but
no one works with me to maintain the friendships. Do I make
it too easy? If something is easy, then I guess it is not a grand
prize. If I don't work very hard at the friendships, they
drift away. I'm told I'm such a good friend, but I guess that
is not a priority or important thing.

Work? What I do hardly matters to the universe. I test hardware
and software. I'm a leech on the fact that developers aren't
perfect. I have a job because they make mistakes (and the
company doesn't want the customers to see too many of them.)
I don't create or produce anything myself. I just catch mistakes.
(And I'm weirdly good at it!) A strange way to make a living, if
you really think about it.

I don't work for any great causes. I don't save the whales, or the
poor, or save lives, or make the world a better place, or really
make a difference to anything.... So why am I here?
What did I forget to do???


Manly Geek said...

Perhaps we are, each of us, here as punctuation in the story of the universe. If so, I think you would be a great question mark, no?

I know I am an exclamation point of surprise, shock and/or exasperation! I am the 5% of one's possessions that one scratches their heads about and can't figure out where to put it. I am the clutter which laughs at tidy little theories that paint the world in black and white. I am the grey area, the unexplanable whose existence is nonetheless undeniable; the exception to every rule.

I am the one that no one suspects, the constantly underestimated, the shadow that flits about at the periphery. I am deja vu, the one that you never see completely when you directly look at me but whose life jumps out at you when seen with averted gaze. I am the oxymoron of reality.

I am indecision, I am the unanswerable questions "Which is better dogs or cats? ketchup or mustard? cold or hot?, take out or eat in?

So as I said, I am an exclamation point! I hide in plain sight and suddenly SURPRISE!, this mild mannered person shows a tiny bit of the stuff I'm really made of and all around are in shock. Or I work in the shadows to foil the well made plans of others (sometime VERY IMPORTANT others at that) and they are &#*&@(! confounded. Or my very existence is such an absurdity in the face of conventional thinking that I become a mote in its eye.

I relish being able to proclaim that I also belong in whatever class of being others are sure I am permanently excluded from and then to demonstrate it with unsailable truth. I am the Guy Fawkes that breaks out of all attempts to pidgeon hole, all easy categorizations, all prejudices, all attempts at control through classification.

So, if one such as I have a purpose, then Susan, I am SURE you also have a grand purpose as well. Think about what it means to be a living question mark. It would explain many things, even your job fits very nicely into that idea, As does your propensity to question all reality, yes?

Manly Geek said...

BTW, after re-reading your post, I definitely believe you have purpose. You are a question mark? Even your podcast is directed that way. And without questions marks, their can be no reflection, no reformation, no advance of ideas, no movement toward the art of the possible.

I don't think being such excludes you from some of your hearts desire but it probably does flavor how you view their fulfillment.

I think you're a wonderful question mark myself. Don't you?!

Susan Grandys said...

Wow. A surprising and interesting evaluation. I'm going to have to think about that. A question mark, eh?
My job does kind of fit that, I question everything they hand me, and find the holes in it. Yeah, my show definitely fits that.

But it is pretty uncomfortable being a question mark. Never totally accepting anything, always questioning, even the good things.

So what is better to be, an exclamation mark or a question mark? (tee-hee - joke on your 1st comment!)

Big Phil said...

Sue, you have touched many more lives and made more friends than you realize.
When you interviewed me I felt an instant connection.
You asked questions which prompted serious introspection. I was able to step back, take an objective look at myself and reexamine my past and many aspects of my life.

I think our interview was the beginning of my recovery process.

I finally came to the realization that I'm not a failure, and my life is not a total loss.

It's true, I haven't found a cure for cancer or saved babies from a burning buildings.
But maybe the real purpose of life is to live and love.

Susan Grandys said...

Wow, I'm touched! I supposed the most difficult thing is I can't see how I affect others. I just know I have so few friends these days, everyone seems to have died or moved on.

I've met some awfully cool people on the web like you and Manly Geek, and others I have interviewed, but you aren't here!
Sometimes you just want to sit down with someone over a cup of coffee and talk.

Mostly I'm just learning that life is really contrary and strange....