Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Adventures are never comfortable....

Woo-Hoo! I'm Back! It was definitely a trip.
No one ever mentions that adventures are usually distinctly
uncomfortable. But they make good stories when they are over.

Let's see, we left Sunday at 3 pm, changed planes in Chicago,
and got to Raleigh at about 9 pm. Plane trip went smoothly,
but long. Also the seats in the little Canadian Regional Air Jet
make you very stiff. More leg room, leather seats, but I think
they forgot the padding. We creaked our way to the car rental
and got a very comfortable mini-van for the 5 of us who were
traveling together. And we were starving! None of us had
eaten since 11 am that morning.

Every place we went to for food was already closed - well, it was
Sunday night. The only place open was Hooters! So we went there.
Actually the food was pretty good :) We didn't get checked into
our rooms until about midnight. And then back up at 6 am, to
get to the customer site for a full day of meetings.

All I saw of Raleigh was about 4 miles around the airport. But what
I saw was gorgeous. A million trees and fluffy pines, just starting
into fall colors. The customer site looked more like a state
forest than a tech center. Miles of roads of trees with an office
building buried in them, here and there. The whole Research
Triangle Park area was like that. Our hotel too.

I met lots of people that I had worked with and would be working
with. We all went out for a lavish dinner with the customers
at 6 pm. Seafood, prime rib, and wine were everywhere! It
was quite the dinner! Er, diet? Whoops! Some harrowing moments
where a member of our party had to go to the Emergency room,
and some fretting where I didn't seem to have a seat on the
plane back. Another night of virtually no sleep, and up at what
was 4 am to me, (5 am there) to catch a plane. They finally
gave me a seat! Back to Chicago and quite the dash across 2
terminals to just make final boarding of the plane home.

And though I made it, my luggage didn't make the dash. It was
78 degrees in Raleigh, but about 30 when we got here. My
suitcase and coat were still in Chicago. And we never got
any food because of the early leaving and tight connections.
I did finally eat at about 12:30 after we got in.

So after little sleep, too much food, too little food, and 4 plane
flights, I am safely (and comfortably) home! The airlines
delivered my suitcase and coat to my house at 7 pm tonight.
Going out for lunch and driving home in just a t-shirt in 30
degrees with a stiff cold wind made me most happy about
the return of the coat. Brrrrr!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Back Soon!

The Halloween party was fun, lots of creative costumes, though I
didn't stay out too late. Asthma and allergies flared up bigtime, and
that always makes me so tired. I was comparing allergy medicine
with people at the party, and it seems that no one has found anything
works very well for them either. You think medical science would
be farther along....

I'm packed, and my plane takes off an a couple of hours, so I should
go get ready for my flight now. I'm not taking my laptop, so I'll write
again when I get back on Tuesday about my adventures in N.C.
Later!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Random Halloween Costume - I'm a, er, something!

Tired Preparation

One of those days. I slept until 10 am, and was amazingly sore and
stiff all day. So I did more weight lifting that REALLY hurt. I've
been tired and totally off all day. I am having visions of a hot bath
right now but -

I ran around the rest of the day getting ready for my business trip
tomorrow. Had to buy things, do laundry, find the suitcase, pack,
check in for my flight and get out of the middle seat they booked
me in (I did - got a window seat! :) ), don't forget to pack the folder
of presentation material, etc, etc.

I have to change planes in Chicago and take a small plane to Raleigh.
I got a window seat for that leg of the trip too. Yay! I've never been
on a Regional Air Jet, and I hope it is a cool plane. I guess I need to
travel more than once every year, I think it is a big deal!

And now I have to go put some kind of a costume together, I have
to go to a Halloween party in an hour. I thought of going as "me
before coffee", but I think I'll just go as a random Goth chick....

Hot bath first thing tomorrow, then!

Friday, October 27, 2006

The New and Old Jobs in 16 hours

Up at 6 am, meeting to prepare for the business trip at 8 am, lots of
preparation, documents to read and print, things to set up, slides to
make and then the workday is done. Into the car and an hour drive
to meet with the old work gang for a get together and late birthday
celebration for me!

Now the fun really began. Everyone showed up and then some,
even a dear ex co-worker who I haven't seen in over a year!
There were 10 of us who ate and drank and waved our arms and
talked incessantly. I had a wonderful time. I still adore that crowd
and I am happy and touched that they all showed up. They are like
a family to me.

What was it about that place? I have never formed such relationships
like that at any other job. I've never met people at work that
affected my life so much, or that I bonded with so closely. A strange
magic out of a very difficult work environment. Something wonderful
can come out of something bad :)

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Calm before the whirlwind

My last peaceful night for awhile, it's going to be nuts for the next
week. Going out with the old work gang tomorrow, Halloween party
Saturday, then off on the business trip on Sunday, back Tuesday,
then Halloween, and an interview Friday - hey where does the
napping fit in?

At work today, my boss brought in celery sticks with peanut butter,
and Honeycrisp apples to celebrate my birthday. I was rather
touched, that she found a way to deal with me being diabetic and
still bring a treat for the group that I could eat. What a sweetheart!

After 10 hours of sleep, I felt much more recovered today. I even
did the morning weight lifting. The business trip is going to screw
that up a bit, but I am definitely feeling stronger and have less pain.
There are "no-maintenance" batteries for your car, I want a "no-
maintaining" body. (Then again, the batteries only last 5 years....)
o.k., o.k., I'll do the exercise!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Birthday Thoughts

Today was very reflective. Mostly because I couldn't move :)
My weightlifting caught up with me the same time staying out
until 2:30 am and drinking a few beers. I hurt a lot today, and
was a bit hungover. But I did get out for a drive in the sunlight
to get my favorite piece of German chocolate cake at a bakery
in St.Paul. As a diabetic I get one piece of cake a year on my
birthday. (And exercised for 1/2 hour immediately after to get
the blood sugar back down.) It was worth it. Yum! :) :) :)

Finished reading "The Way of The Peaceful Warrior" book today.
It was a fun read, but I find myself with the same problem I have
with all of the new age spirituality type books. I find myself
thinking that there has to be another Way or Path than the one
they all seem to come down to. Deny the mind or ego - let go of
yourself. Deny the desires and the striving. I hate that message.

I love the mind and learning, and I dislike thinking of it as something
"bad". The book softened that message, as it went on and did have
some interesting things to say. The part of how "moderation" was
crap made me laugh. And the part about committing yourself 100%
was pretty good.

Cayenne made a good observation about all of these books where
the student meets the mystical teacher who changes their life.
Where the fuck are our teachers? We've both muddled our own
way through and there really have been no teachers. So are we
not worthy?

But it left me with the same old desire, to find my own Way.
To blaze a new path that doesn't deny desire or the ego. If these are
such a big part of who we are, why are they wrong? Whether from
evolution, or a "God" why would such a mistake have been made?

Maybe I'm wrong, and there is no way to find happiness and still
be yourself. That would suck! But I have been realizing that a big
part of my problem is I'm not living at 100%. Maybe at 50%, on a
good day.... So I think I'll explore that first. How to live to my full
potential and awareness more of the time. How to give of myself
fully, and without reservation. That ought to keep me busy for the
next decade, or so. I'm a really slow student!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

50 is the new 40....Or was that 8 ?

Oozing into another decade

So the day approaches... I'm going out tonight, to celebrate my
birthday of tomorrow. This is a weird one for me. I will be 50
tomorrow. A half a fricken century! How do you conceptually
even deal with that? I feel pretty much like I did when I was 30.
I certainly don't act any differently. I look about the same as I
did at 35. I can't seem to wrap my head around this one.
I don't know HOW to be 50!

So being me, I figure I'll re-define what it means to be that age.
Everyone seems to think that is so old, except people older :)
Until they meet me, and they have a heck of a time treating me like
an old lady. I'm out there partying with them, and I'm pretty silly,
and like all the same things. They all think I'm about 35 until I
tell them, and then they freak out. Sometimes that is fun.
Sometimes it just makes me feel old :(

The younger people I work with and hang out with, say I give them
hope that you don't have to be an old fart at that age. That you really
are allowed to still go out and have fun, that you can look, act, and
think young, that you can like the same things you liked at 20 if you
want to. You don't have to be old and conservative and can be pretty
cool. You can play video games, watch cartoons, go to amusement
parks, dance at punk shows, whatever you like! Great, so I'm a role
model.....for staying the same kind of dork you always were.
Cheers!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Testing the Will

The power of will? Why is it when I absolutely commit to something,
things start to happen? Years can go by where I can't lose weight
no matter how hard I try and then there are those times when I
absolutely believe 100% I will lose weight, and I do. Sometimes
eating exactly the same, it is like the desire is so great that it
happens. Or times when I am searching for something in my life
and I'll randomly pick up just the right book at the bookstore, and
it changes my life. (That has actually only happened twice).

I've been thinking a lot about transforming my body and I picked
up just the right 2 books, and started following them. Today was
startling. I did several things I never thought I would. I worked
out in the morning, following the book "8 Minutes in the Morning".
I hate mornings and never work out then, I'm so stiff and achey.
But I did it, and felt different for the whole day. Then tonight
I took a walk because I wanted to and feel my body move. And
when I got hungry just now, I saw vegetables in the fridge, and
I started salivating. I have never liked vegetables! What is this?

I also got the news at work today that I have to go to Raleigh, NC
on Sunday until Tuesday for a kick off meeting at a customer site.
Cool! I've never been to Raleigh, and it will be fun to see something
new. (Of course it will immediately test my diet and exercise
resolve - business trips are never really good for that. And of
course we are going out to dinner with the customer. Hope they
have good salads in N.C.!)

Sunday, October 22, 2006

The End of Fall

Investigative Living

Mostly burnout day. Slugday? Can we change the name of Sunday?
Most of this weekend was getting David moved. He had left a lot
of stuff in the garage and basement here for about a year. He finally
got a new apartment, (downtown, and really cool!) and some people
came over yesterday to get his stuff.

Today Cayenne and I loaded up the last of it, and went to visit.
His apartment overlooks a brick courtyard with trees. Very lovely.
Cay and I reminisced about how much we had wanted to live in
a downtown apartments when we were younger.

Then it was off to the bookstore. I picked up some interesting new
books which I hope to get read this week. One of them will help in
my attempt to get stronger. It is strength training you do every
morning for 8 minutes, 6 days a week. You do two new power moves
everyday that work completely different muscle groups. I figure
that even I can do 8 minutes a day, (even if it means getting up 10
minutes earlier). I'm good with things in small increments. I figure
if I sneak up on my body, it won't noticed so much that I am making
it work and throw a tantrum.

I usually hate working out in the morning, but the author convinced
me that you get the maximum metabolic burn all day, if you do it
first thing. It will continue to burn extra calories all day! If I can
get that for free, I am so there! His diet plan is about the same as
the one I am doing, so I'm hoping the addition of the daily strength
training will speed up the weight loss. I'll report in on how it goes.

Which reminds me - a fan of my show and blog wrote to me and
commented that my life seemed to be "investigative living". I like
that an awful lot. It does sum me up really well :) :)

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Time to cut a new path

When all paths close before you what do you do?
I have exhausted all my ways to move forward.

At the behest of a friend I even re-researched bariatric surgery.
I swallowed my fear and evaluated the whole thing, in case it
had changed from several years ago, when I last looked at it.
It has not. It truly is not a path I can take.

I really do not qualify in many different ways. The biggest of them
being no insurance or doctor will touch me, unless I am morbidly
obese, which it turns out I am not. (I guess I am merely "fat" :) )
My BMI is way too low. My life is not in danger. There is a good
chance it wouldn't work for me anyways, the calorie deficit over
where I am now, is very small. I already don't eat much of anything.
Strange, at one time I was well qualified for that path, and did not
take it out of stubbornness of wanting to do it "my way" and yes,
fear. But I went ahead and lost and kept off 100 pounds, even
though it took me 5 years.

Now if the easy but terrifying way is closed to me, even though
I am stuck with another 78 pounds I have failed to conquer over
the last 2 years, am I left with only the hardest of ways?
I was being poetic yesterday about becoming a warrior, but it
has become increasingly clear to me today that is my path.

When all paths close, it is time to cut open a new path. There is
only one. I will become a warrior and do the things I didn't think
I could do. I will become strong enough to do what I must. Am
I strong enough? Who knows? One way to find out. If you can't
go over the mountain, then cut a bloody tunnel through it.
I'll see you on the other side.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Old Warriors

I've just not felt very well for the last few weeks. Very tired, and
sleeping but still tired. I'm realizing that the battle is just beginning.
The older you get the harder you have to fight to not feel like crap
all of the time. You have to exercise when you least want to do it.
And eat really healthy, and struggle with all the failing systems.
You have to get really strong when you are feeling weak.

If I thought it was hard before, I've had to come to terms with
how much harder it is going to get. Am I up for the task? How
strange when you get old is when you really have to become a
warrior. What is the battle? The fight for your life, and your
quality of life. Why doesn't anyone prepare you for this?
School doesn't teach you what you really need to know.

How to love, how to be a friend, how to have a successful career,
how to raise happy and confident children, how to deal with the
stresses of life, how to grow old and yet be vibrant and alive.

I had a lot on my mind today, about this and some other things,
and had to take walks to think. I'm letting my poor health get in
the way. I've become more cautious, I go out less because I'm
tired or in pain, I resist traveling (which I love) because of the
difficulty, I take less chances, I'm not as gung ho. Who am I?

I was the woman who would jump off the cliffs of life without
thinking twice. And laugh when I inevitably crashed at the
bottom. And picked myself up and did it again. A friend at work
listened to my tirade about age, and summed it all up nicely.
"You don't want to get frumpy?"

No I don't. I want to be an old warrior.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Vanity

I'm beat! I set up so many different kinds of new equipment today,
and worked on about 90 things simultaneously! I can't believe I
did it all. I was totally wiped by the time I got home. I have nothing
left. I was too tired to exercise or anything.

I still don't get why using your brain too hard, makes your body
tired and sore. It's not like I used it for anything. It was just along
for the ride. It makes me annoyed that the body is so weak!

I'm hungry too. I'm trying to lose 7 pounds by my birthday, just
for some kind of a goal. I've lost 5 1/2, and my pants aren't so
tight anymore. Kind of a nice reinforcement. (I couldn't afford
new pants!) But I go to bed hungry every night. I hope I can
keep this up.....

A friend wrote me about how funny our video show was, and I
realized that until I get more of this weight off, I just don't want
to do it. Vanity over comedy, a sorry choice! David (from the show)
is losing lots of weight too, so hopefully we'll get over our pride and
start filming things again this winter. How ironic that the anti-
depressants we were both on, caused such weight gain, which made
us stop doing the one thing we loved. Ah, life's little trade offs.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Dream worlds

I feel like I'm retreating farther and farther into the dream world.
I like it there.

I come out to work, and exercise, and do the things I must -
and then back I go. I'm not harming anyone, I know the difference
between reality and fantasy. But I choose the latter.
I can fly, there! And nothing hurts.

The real world has let me down too much. I don't have
much reason to stay there.

Maybe something will catch my interest and bring me
back, but for now, I prefer my dreams.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Aging Thoughts

So many thoughts colliding in my head. So many wishes, dreams,
new learning, debates with myself. What I am I doing? What do
I really want? What am I willing to do to get anywhere?

I wish I had the strength and the energy to make things happen.
I am so tired much of the time, and just can't go so far. Don't fail
me now, my body, I'm barely getting started.

How much further will this body carry me before it falters for good?
I need a new ship to sail to the far horizon.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Not

I went out to my car to return a hat to a co-worker at 6:15pm
tonight. I was startled at how "not" out it was, and just stood
there and soaked it in, for awhile. It was not light or dark - sort
of early twilight. It was not raining, but sort of misty. It was not
cold or warm, just sort of limbo temperature. It was the perfect
balance of not anything. Weird moments.

Had the hot tub repaired today. The motor had burned out after
6 enjoyable years. Unfortunately it cost over $500 to get a new
motor and the repairs done. Ouch. Money is really tight right
now, as I'm trying to pay off the hot water heater, the car, and
various old debts, and the winter heating bills will start soon.
Much soul searching and questioning over the way I live
and what I spend money on. I like my life and don't really have
frivolous expenses that I can cut. And I don't want to give up
on going to Japan. I have to find a way to do this!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Show Crash

It was supposedly a gorgeous day out, but I didn't see much of it.
I FINALLY finished editing the show and got it posted! It was an
all day marathon, and just put it up about an hour ago. Get it
at Uncomfortable Questions - The Andrew Interview.

Andrew was a delightful British man living in Texas. I think the
final product was worth the work it took!

Other than that, I took a walk and played with the dogs. And the
day is gone? I think I'm going to have to push the show back to
once every 3 weeks. It just takes so much out of me, and work
is starting to heat up. We are going to be in a big push for the
next 3 months at work, I've been reassigned to that project.
Well, I guess it's something to do in the winter......

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Ow!

Ugh. Still not feeling well. I had a blinding headache all day but I
think I pinned down the cause. I tried one of the new medicines
again today and the headaches of the last few days came back.
It was Allegra-D, one of the more popular allergy medicines.

In spite of the headache, I tried to keep editing the next
interview show, (which should be up by now, darn it!) and
did another Skype interview with Sheila, a young biology student
in Canada. I have another interview scheduled with a local man
next week. I wish I felt better, and could get these shows up
faster. Maybe getting rid of those medicines will help. I haven't
felt good for a few weeks now, and I'm getting annoyed that the
health is getting in the way.

That is usually enough to make me take all the right vitamins,
exercise a lot, and eat extremely healthy until I'm back on track.
Ahhh the rollercoaster of health. How dull to have to put so much
energy into it. There are more interesting things to be doing.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Free Lunch Cures All!

I did go to work today, and I still didn't feel "right" all morning. I
haven't been able to sleep all week, and I'm pretty tired. The
feeling persisted until lunchtime, when a group of us were taken out
to a nice restaurant as a reward for putting the last project out.

I found stuff I could eat and it was exceptionally good! I haven't been
eating much (and it is working - I lost 5 pounds finally, last month),
and this was like real food! Afterwards I felt much better. So I think
that good free lunches must be some kind of new cure-all :)

I also feel better for having stopped taking the new asthma meds.
They didn't seem to help, and my breathing is clearer without them.
Actually it is probably because is has been snowing very lightly
for 3 days, and the cold air cleared out whatever was bothering me.
A friend joked that I should just move to the Arctic - I would
breathe fine, but be rather bored.....

So now I just have to find a way to sleep and hopefully I'll be
back to better.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

To Dream or Die?

I couldn't sleep last night and then noticed I was dizzy when I moved
my head. When the alarm went off, I went into the shower and
noticed I was unsteady. When I got out, I had vertigo so bad I fell
onto the counter. I crawled back into bed and tried to figure it out.
I had vertigo so bad, I couldn't imagine sitting up again. I felt a little
nauseous, but who wouldn't from that feeling? I felt a lot of pressure
in my forehead and behind the eyes. That was it. No other symptoms.

I figured driving was right out, so I managed to call work and leave a
message. Cayenne was worried it was a stroke or heart attack, so I
had him look it up on the web. As I was lying there, unable to get up,
I thought how of my post last night. Would I die before I managed to
find a dream to follow? Was this all there is? Some kind of cruel
justice for one who has looked so hard to make sense of this world.
I guess we are not allowed to know.

But no other symptoms came so I just lay very still until afternoon,
when I managed to finally sit up and eat something. I still don't feel
totally great. I can only assume it was some kind of drug reaction to
the new soup of medications, even though I've been on the newest
ones for a couple of weeks? I don't know. I hate it when your body
starts doing weird shit. If it goes, what will I chase my dreams in?

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Winter Dreams

I saw snow today. I didn't want to see it, its too early, but I couldn't
shut my eyes. I was driving.... But then I spent the rest of the day
in the lab and didn't see the snow flurries all day. Though people
did come in occasionally and report it to me.

It really is too early. Oct 11th is not when it snows in Minnesota.
Maybe Nov 11th. Don't cut fall so short, darn it!

I should be working on the next show, but I think I'll curl up in
front of the woodstove, instead. Sorry Andrew, but your show
wont be up until Saturday. This is not motivational weather.

This show I'm watching also has the theme "follow your dreams,
it's more fun that way..." Dreams. Follow them even if you die,
at least you went following your dream.... But you need a dream
to follow to do that. I don't seem to have any, anymore.

I did once. But the years went by and none of them happened.
They all slipped away and am I too old now. Or too tired.
So now what? Where can you buy a dream, for cheap?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Workish sorts of things

A good day, today (not a lot of work!). We had an all hands meeting
with our president that was interesting, and a groundbreaking
ceremony at our new building site. We should be there in a year.
The new site is farther from my house by about 10 minutes, but
it will be nice to have a new place. Our current one is getting
really shabby, but it is very comfortable in a strange way.

Then there was a get together for our group at a co-workers house
near the new site. We talked and laughed and drank beer. It was
really fun and nice to just kick back and be ourselves in a "not
at work" sort of way.

Still pondering friendship much of the time. I think I might be wrong
for how it should work in this world. It just doesn't seem to work
that way for most people. But just when I am ready to give up on
people, they almost psychically do the right thing, and I am
forced to rethink things again. Weird. The timing is so immediate
I really am beginning to wonder if there are those who can read
my mind. Naw. Then they would run away. I've got a really
silly mind.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Opposites abound

My body is feeling it's age today. The cold weather is rolling in, and
everything inside of me is creaking. The only way too feel better
when I get like this is to exercise harder, and try to get stronger.
What I really want to do is to wrap up in a blanket in bed.

All the things that are good for us, are the opposite of what we
want to do. If I were God, broccoli would taste like chocolate
cake, and exercise would be more fun than sex.

But lacking godhood, all I can do is go lift weights, and dream
of chocolate cake. And sex :)

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Random items on a Sunday

I started tackling the "Andrew Interview" today - my upcoming
podcast show on Uncomfortable Questions. I have 2 hours recorded,
and I kept putting it off. But I got through the 1st hour today,
and got it down to 30 minutes. It is a fun edit, because the guy was
interesting and has a lovely soft British accent - always pleasant
on the ears. And always makes them sound smart, darn those Brits!
I hope to get the other hour done over the next few days. I think it
is going to be a dynamite show!

The wind changed today, it was blowing up from the south (which
is why it was so warm yesterday). Now it is from the north (which
is why it is 58 today), but my breathing got much better. What
the heck is in the air down south that gives me asthma?? What are
you guys keeping down there in the south? :) :)

The diet is working, finally, but I was right. It is coming off at a
painfully slow rate of a 1 pound a week. So 2 years from now,
barring any plateaus, or actually eating anything, I should look great!
(Of course, I'll be 90 years old, or something like that....)

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Fresh air is good for you?

I spent most of today:
1) trying to breathe. The asthma is awful right now! Something
in the fall air is triggering the breathing problems bigtime. And
fall has always been my favorite time of year. I'm enjoying what
I can of it....

2) catching up on podcast stuff. I did a bit for Big Phil's anniversary
show - and my voice sounds really weird. The new asthma
inhaler causes extreme hoarseness in the voice. I was last on it
7 years ago, and I was hoarse the entire year I was taking it. :(
Hopefully people will get used to my new "sound" on my show.
I also had to catch up on podcast correspondence, there was a
fair bit to get done.

Unfortunately all this meant I didn't even start editing the next
show, which technically should go up tomorrow. (It won't - this
one is even bigger than the last one, about 2 hours of material.)
Maybe I should stop fighting it, and go to once every 3 weeks.
It keeps turning out that way.

I tried to spend some time out in possibly the last nice day of the
year - it was 78, breezy and sunny. Totally wonderful out. But
every time I went out, the breathing got worse. Ick. The weather
forecast says it may snow a little next week. Well, that is
Minnesota for you. 78 degrees to snow in 4 days time.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Skewed View of Friendship?

Friendship is such a massive theme that has run through my life
for the last 3 years. What is a friend? What does it mean to be a
friend? I think about it a lot. I don't know why this has taken on
such a massive importance to me at this point in my life.

In the series I'm hooked on now and can't stop watching - the
major theme is what you will do for your friends. In the show it
is idealized, there is nothing they wont do for each other.

In real life? It isn't like that. I want friends like that, but it is
only a fantasy. Like love, it is another thing in life that just
doesn't live up to what it should be. And yet, I don't see why
not. It could be like that, maybe it should be like that. But I
guess if other people don't see it that way, or don't want it
the same way, it doesn't happen.

I can't be alone on this planet in how I see things, but I never
seem to find those others. I can't be the only one.....
I can't be.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Blood Ivy

Wow! The Ivy covering the house is turning blood-red this year, instead of the usual bright orange. Half the house is now covered in this dark red ivy, and it is rather breathtaking. I took this as I got home, I'll try to get one in the sunlight this weekend.

Fast Lane to Nowhere

Another "all computers, all the time" day. I started winning the war
against my work hardware. Fixed 2 of the 4 problems, I'll do the
rest tomorrow. Came home, installed the final DSL modem (it took
3 modems to straighten out the mess with the phone company),
burned more disks of the Japanese series I'm downloading (279
episodes, 7 movies, 4 TV specials....an ongoing effort), trying to
figure out how to update the codecs on my DVD player that is
supposed to play all possible formats (and doesn't).....

And now somehow it is getting late. I have to turn down the speed
on these days. That is just too damned fast.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Bad Hardware!, no hardware treat!

More interview volunteers seem to be showing up for my show!
Since I only do one every two weeks now, it seems I'll be o.k. for
awhile. There has been some interest expressed in having me talk
to more older people to get a broader perspective on life. It does
make me want to wander over to some of the nearby old folks
homes, and ask the nurses if there are any real "characters" that
would be fun to talk to! Now if only I had more time to make all
this happen....

Other than that, I had many wrestling matches with hardware at
work. Why does it all get unruly at the same time? I had 4 different
hardware problems with stuff I use everyday, all today. Spent all
day troubleshooting and calling it all bad names :)

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Thoroughly Doctored

Why is it that every now and then I go to the doctor and they take
an unusual interest in me, and I can't get out of there and get back
to work? Happens to me about once a year - the rest of the visits
are routine. I have go several times a year for the quarterly
diabetic checks, and various med adjustments, blood tests, etc.
It's starting to feel like home....

Today was a check on the new diabetic med, and I complained
about how I was having many asthma attacks lately -(it was bad
when I lived in California but then I only had only a couple a year
for the last 7 years and was off the asthma medication that whole
time). But they have been increasing over the last year, and the
last 3 weeks it is more like a couple a day.

Well - after discussing how to adjust and balance the 2 diabetic
medicines (which is what I was there for), she listened to my
lungs, gave me a peak air flow test, sent me off for a chest x-ray,
blood tests (for thyroid, and blood glucose averages), and a flu shot,
I staggered out of there after an hour and a half with a new allergy
and asthma meds. I feel like I've slipped backwards. I was down
to 5 medicines, now it is 7, and I thought I was done with asthma.
But it has been rather inconvenient lately - so I'll take the meds,
and hope I can get off them again.

We talked about my amazing resistance to weight loss, and she
looked sort of hopeless. If the doctor can't give me a pill to fix
something, she gets depressed. She really believes in that medicine!
She sort of shrugged and said, what about bariatric surgery? I told
her that was a bit drastic, and I don't qualify anyways. You have to
be about 100 lbs overweight, and I'm not. Sigh. No help on that front.

I read up on it again, to make sure it wasn't what I wanted, and it
isn't. It is so scary and can cause lifelong problems with inability
to get enough nutrition - leading to bone loss and anemia. I'm
already anemic! I'm not up for even more health problems. I wish
they'd just come up with a damned pill for it. It would make me
and my doctor very happy.

But mostly my arm hurts. Flu shots always make me feel like
someone punched me in the arm for 2 days. I wonder why?

Monday, October 02, 2006

Escapism

I wonder if escapism is bad. I seem to go in bursts. For a long time
I'll be busy with things and wont read or watch anything. Then I
hit the right combination of a series or a game, at the same time
that I really want to escape from gloomy life. Then I bury myself
in the thing for a month.

All I'm doing now is working, exercising, and watching the fan subbed
"One Piece". Every night I watch many episodes, and that is all I
want to do. It takes me to another world, another place, better than
this one. It lets me dream of adventure and true friendship.

What am I escaping from? There isn't much that ties me to this
world. I don't have the deep friendships I crave - no one else has
the time, or seems to care about them; the overwhelming love
that adds excitement to existing, the all consuming career, the
spotlight of being on stage that made me feel so alive.
Everyday life just isn't enough, nowadays.

If video games ever got to the point of very realistic virtual reality,
and I was too old to enjoy anything, I think I would crawl into the
games and not come out. Why not?
What is out there that is worth anything?

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Glorious Fall Days

Really lay back weekend. Watched too many DVD's, goofed off. Yay!
Today was spectacularly nice out. 80 degrees, breezy, sun shining
through all the fall colored leaves. David came over, and Cay, David
and I sat out in the backyard all afternoon. Grilled some steaks,
mushrooms and asparagus, layed in the hammock, talked and
watched the clouds go by.

We came up with some ideas for jokes, and think we might be
ready to start the video show again in a couple of months.
We just now came in from the yard - even after it got dark, we
didn't want to come in.

I can't believe the weekend is over already. I have lots to do at
work this week, but it is kind of boring, grind through a bunch
of difficult tests that are hard to set up sort of work. Nothing to
really look forward to!

The weight is moving again, so slowly and painfully at glacial speeds.
About 1 pound a week, as I thought. This weight put on by the
drugs is some of the hardest weight I've ever had to deal with.
But finally, it appears something is happening.