Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Birthday Thoughts

Today was very reflective. Mostly because I couldn't move :)
My weightlifting caught up with me the same time staying out
until 2:30 am and drinking a few beers. I hurt a lot today, and
was a bit hungover. But I did get out for a drive in the sunlight
to get my favorite piece of German chocolate cake at a bakery
in St.Paul. As a diabetic I get one piece of cake a year on my
birthday. (And exercised for 1/2 hour immediately after to get
the blood sugar back down.) It was worth it. Yum! :) :) :)

Finished reading "The Way of The Peaceful Warrior" book today.
It was a fun read, but I find myself with the same problem I have
with all of the new age spirituality type books. I find myself
thinking that there has to be another Way or Path than the one
they all seem to come down to. Deny the mind or ego - let go of
yourself. Deny the desires and the striving. I hate that message.

I love the mind and learning, and I dislike thinking of it as something
"bad". The book softened that message, as it went on and did have
some interesting things to say. The part of how "moderation" was
crap made me laugh. And the part about committing yourself 100%
was pretty good.

Cayenne made a good observation about all of these books where
the student meets the mystical teacher who changes their life.
Where the fuck are our teachers? We've both muddled our own
way through and there really have been no teachers. So are we
not worthy?

But it left me with the same old desire, to find my own Way.
To blaze a new path that doesn't deny desire or the ego. If these are
such a big part of who we are, why are they wrong? Whether from
evolution, or a "God" why would such a mistake have been made?

Maybe I'm wrong, and there is no way to find happiness and still
be yourself. That would suck! But I have been realizing that a big
part of my problem is I'm not living at 100%. Maybe at 50%, on a
good day.... So I think I'll explore that first. How to live to my full
potential and awareness more of the time. How to give of myself
fully, and without reservation. That ought to keep me busy for the
next decade, or so. I'm a really slow student!

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