Sunday, December 31, 2006

Pondering

Why does pain always make me philosophical? Big pain relapse today,
I must have tried to do too much yesterday. So about all I can do is
sit and think about things. Many streams of thoughts in my head
these last few days.

The world. It seems worse than usual these days. Grim and angry on
so many levels. The hope for the future and mankind isn't there. That
spiritual reaching for something bigger and better than ourselves,
why is it missing? I feel it is missing in myself these days. I always
aspired to something more cosmic, and believed my life would just
keep getting better. Now I'm not so sure. It seems very daily grind,
the spirit is small.

People - it feels more and more like people wont let each other into
their lives. They are barricading themselves in their on little corners,
and don't want others to share in their being. Friendships seem to be
at arms length, and somewhat distracted and distant. I want lots
of people climbing all over my life, full of laughter and energy,
tilting together at windmills, sharing in the daily triumphs and
defeats.

But those around me, who I felt the most bond with, don't let me
in. Like they don't realize that just honestly telling me what it going
on with them is an act of sharing and trust. It sends the message.
"I don't have time for you. I don't want you to be a part of my life."
Who wants to be someone no one has time for? What is so special
about your life, that no one can be part of it?

Caring and passion for life are also dulling quickly. Things used to
matter so much to everyone. Maybe they really don't matter that
much, but putting that much energy and caring into life, causes and
each other is a much more invigorating environment. We seem to
be settling into an apathetic active act of not caring. Does our
armor really need to be that thick? What are we really protecting?

For 2007 I wish that myself and others shakily try to bridge those
gaps between each other and find a new hope. I think the world is
in for a really tough 15-20 year period ahead, before we pull out
into a brighter future. I think ultimately we will do the right things
for mankind, but it seems it always has to get rather bad before the
world can collectively get motivated to change.

Somehow we have to find our small islands of brightness in this.
and what can that hope be, but each other? I feel like all I can
do is whisper into the howling wilderness, "I care."

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