Thursday, May 31, 2007

All the worlds a stage

My dreams of a lazy summer are fading fast... Work is getting
very interesting. In a good way, but possibly very, very
challenging. I was really sort of hoping for some quieter
times where I could really get into summer activities.
I wonder if I will regret it?

I often wonder why I put so much into my work. I'm not going
to save the world, or anything. I give it everything I've got,
leaving little for myself. I suppose I wasn't doing anything
interesting, anyways. Sometimes I just don't understand
myself. I am essentially a rather lazy person, except when
it comes to work.

Then I'm like a daemon possessed. I forget about time, comfort,
everything outside, and work until my body fails.

I wish I could approach the other parts of my life with that
much dedication. Things like exercise, weight loss, fixing up
the house, learning new languages, personal interactions.
Those I blow off if they get too uncomfortable.

Maybe work is the only place where I truly can succeed.
Nothing else in my life has worked out so well. Maybe it just
helps me to forget the rest. I always feel a little empty at
all times. At parties, with friends, traveling, being creative,
looking at beautiful sunsets, all the times I should be having
a great time. I always feel a little unconnected, like I'm just
going through the motions of living, like a puppet, or an actor
saying my lines.

Like I should have been doing something other than this life.
This seems to be just a distraction or a weird experiment.
Even when I act passionate about everything, or appear to be
giddy or happy, or distraught, part of me wonders if I am just
acting.

Deep inside, I don't feel much of anything.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Aftermath

Well, I got a little busy with the big barbeque yesterday,
and forgot to mention the next Uncomfortable Questions
show is up.

It is a delightful, cocky interview with Steve the Dean
from www.visionarymindset.com. He does several podcasts
of his own on sex and relationships. I can't say if he
is right or wrong, but he is tremendously fun to talk
to. So get the latest U.Q. interview in itunes or at
www.uncomfortable-questions.com.

Other than that, I'm I bit hung over. It was quite the party,
and the rum punch was deadly. There are many aching heads
today. It was an appropriate "welcome to summer" bacchanal.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Where's Waldo?

Yeah, yeah. I'm still here. Work hit crisis level this week,
and there were some very long hours. I had nothing left by the
time I crawled home. Things have been beaten back into control,
and I have the lovely 3 day weekend ahead.

Everything is ready for the big Memorial Day bash on Monday
also. So I plan to take it a bit easy for the next two days!
It has been a rather harried three weeks.

I just remembered I was only halfway through the next show
edit. I guess I'll be doing that this weekend.... awwww....
I wanted to be a slug.

Thinking a lot of how to exercise effectively with asthma
(and a liberal dose of laziness). I have to get moving, the
weight is going nowhere. My roommate suggested a TV in the
exercise room to keep my mind off of the boring exercise,
and to keep me at it longer. It would be a good way to
finally get through all those unwatched videos.

I wish I could always do to things at once, I feel like I'm
falling behind on everything. That works for commuting and
exercise, but not much else. I can't work and do anything
else. It takes so much brain power that I start to fry if
I even listen to music while concentrating on work. I need
an upgrade for my brain. Extra RAM for sure.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

What is simple?

The day is a blur. Working on a new network, many things I
don't know, study, read, try things, get help, got it working,
start next thing, time to go home? Eat, feed the dogs, check
mail, do finances, budget for the party, make a lists for
what to buy, crap I forgot to exercise! No time to edit the
show, either.... Why does it go so fast?

And yet one of the email was an article for "Simple Living".
I stopped and read that. It was about simplifying everything
in your life so you could stop and enjoy it.

Simple. I don't know what that means. My life is a tangle of
constant study and very high tech. For 23 years it has been
that way, and every day the technology gets bigger, harder
and more complex. And I am doing more and more of it. And
keeping up.

The thought of interjecting simple into that makes me smile.
I suppose I am supposed to stop and admire the sunset or
smell a rose? I actually do that, but usually as I'm running
past it. I wonder if being simple for very long would be
boring? I suppose I won't stop long enough to find out....

Monday, May 21, 2007

How Monday-ish

Why do Mondays always feel like Monday? Back to work,
struggling to make progress, even if the work is fun.
Commuting, trying to get enough to eat, enough time
to exercise, and still work on my own stuff.

By Tuesday it becomes more routine, the weekend fades
into memory. Cay, Drew and I are now all sitting around
the living room, each working on our own things on our
computers. It is rather pleasant and relaxing. The life
of a bunch of high-tech geeks, living together.

We actually do talk to each other quite a bit - in spite
of the anti-social stereotype of people abandoning
socializing for the computer.

I finished half of the next podcast edit. I hope to get
it done by Saturday. This is a fun one. It is an interview
with Steve, a podcaster from Texas. He was quite a delight.
He should have been a preacher, he talks so well, but he
has podcasts on "What Men Want" and "What Women Want" and
we talked very openly about sex and what makes relationships
work. I loved him. I hope the audience does too!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Gardening on a Summers Day

It was 84 degrees out today. I finally admitted it was
summer, (it really has been since April) and went to the
gardening store to get herbs and flowers and potting soil.

Set up the usual summer pots, and flowers for the front.
And got a fun sitting gargoyle sculpture for the perennial
garden in back. He looks really happy next to a big
hosta, and under the honeysuckle vines. Lots of weeding
and cleanup too. I'm beat but feel accomplished.

We're having a big Memorial Day barbecue, and I wanted
the back yard to look like something other than its
unruly self...

I'm trying some new things on the asthma front. My
(expensive) air cleaner came on Friday, and I put it by
my bed. I do think I slept a little better.

I also read some studies on the herb Butterbur. It is
supposed to be very effective with asthma and allergies.
In fact, I found it on the Mayo Clinic website. I just
went and bought some, and we'll see how it goes. I
believe that if you just keep trying, most things will
work out. Except the ones that don't. :)

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Swept By Music

Great concert at the Guthrie. Lisa Gerrard was amazing, though
she is experimenting with different types of music than what
I got to like her for. Heavy Parisian/ German/ Marlena
Dietrich era influence in this show. I liked her American
Indian/ Middle Eastern influences. Whatever, it was fun.

The first time I've been to the new Guthrie theater. It was
darned impressive. The view from the terrace on the 5th floor
was great. See the photo!

Work had better be quiet tomorrow. We think we are finally
done with both the projects I've been on for the last 6
months. It would be nice to have some quieter times.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

They beat me at work...

This week has been nuts. Lots of crisis at work, and I'm
really beat. It hasn't been boring though. I suppose that
could be considered good.

Tomorrow I am absolutely leaving early. I have concert
tickets for Lisa Gerrard. I have loved her since she
was part of "Dead Can Dance", and loved it even more
when she took off on her more experimental solo career.
I think I have every CD she made, including all the
"Dead Can Dance" CD's. I'm really excited to see her
in person, after following her for 20 years.

Other than that, still fighting the asthma, still
hungry, still not working out enough. Ho-hum!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Still Alive

I worked hard all weekend at controlling the asthma. I stuck to the
anti-inflamatory diet. (And now I'm starving!). I exercised. I avoided
the outdoors and the pollen. By Sunday night I was feeling better.
My hope was that if I lowered my overall inflammation, I would be
able to tolerate the building at work.

I walked into work today, and within an hour, I was asthmatic again.
Cool. I really am allergic to work :) I did a bunch of research on
air cleaners for the house, and to see if having one in my cube
would help. I bought one for the house, and I'm still debating the
cube one. It can't of course, handle all the air at work, but maybe
just having better air around me would help?

It should get better when we move to the new building in October.
This one is old and very dusty. I just have to find a way to survive
until then! What a drag this is - I hate being weak or sick....

I made a new page with my Mac of all of my Japan photos. There
is a link in the sidebar next to this post. Cayenne has a lot more,
I was too busy looking, and kept forgetting to take pictures!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Limits

The asthma continues to get worse. I can't breathe outside. I can't
breathe at work. I've hit some critical point where I am reacting
to everything. I think I'm allergic to milk, it made me really sick
this morning. Something new and problematic, every day.

What kind of an existence is this?

I'm fighting back the only way I know how. Went 100%
anti-inflammatory food today, and cut out dairy.
I couldn't even exercise, breathing was about all I could work on.
I spent most of the day reading on the computer - exciting
adventures and stories to escape into.

My world is closing in. It gets more limited every day.
I've already given up nearly everything I like to fight the diabetes.
And even more to try to lose weight, and mostly failing.
Now even the last couple of things are to be sacrificed to breathe.
I hate limits, I always did.

So why does life always hand you what you hate most...

Friday, May 11, 2007

The quiet before the sleep

Quiet. Everyone is gone or asleep. The dog snores next to me
on the couch. I'm not alone much, so it is peaceful - yet is
strange.

These days I don't think about much, deep or otherwise. It is
like everything went on hold, the emotions, the dreams, the
desires. I don't want much and am satisfied to just go
"thataway" to see what is there.

I wait to start caring about much of anything, but I don't.
It all really doesn't matter. It is all just "small stuff".
Mostly I read, and live in my fantasy world.

This isn't passionate existence, but it is calm.
Are comfort and peace all that ultimately matters to me?
I can sort of understand why people start wars.

Gives them something big to do....

Thursday, May 10, 2007

So many possibilities...

It was almost 90 degrees today. This is early May?
There has been some unusually warm weather since April.
Hope this isn't a sign of things to come this summer.

The end of a project at work has been keeping me intensely
busy, and I am quite happy to come home every day. With
luck it will be a quiet summer, and I will be able to enjoy
most of it.

I have such grand plans of things to do, and most of them
just don't get done. The interviews are lining up again,
there are shows to edit, and I'm going to be on a show
next week to promote my podcast.

The new computer is all set up, and it is really grand.
It only took me about a day to adapt back to Mac from PC.
There is so much creativity right at my fingertips -
songwriting, web pages, movie editing - that it is almost
daunting in what I *could* do (if I only had the time).

I wrote a new song intro for my show, but it didn't stand
up to the 2 hour test (do I still think it is great 2 hours
later?) so I'll have to write another!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Another Bad Hardware Day

Most people have "bad hair days". I have "bad hardware days".
Couldn't get anything to work right at work, bent pins on
2 boards by doing something wrong. This then spilled over
into a bad software day. I installed things wrong, and
couldn't get other things to work right. Grrrrr!

Also having asthma attacks when I go in the lab. I think it
is dust or something in the ventilation. I like the lab and
it makes me crabby to not want to be in there. On the drive
home, I kept sneezing - the trees and flowers are doing a
number on me. Why would I have allergies so bad at this
point in my life? I never had them as a kid or young adult.
Why would I suddenly get them in middle age?

So I stopped by the drugstore to get some dust/pollen masks,
to see if wearing one outside and in the lab helps. The
clerk was also having a day. A whole shelf of stuff fell
behind her while waiting on me, and a guy stuffed something
big under his shirt and ran out the door, driving away so
fast he nearly killed someone in the parking lot so she
couldn't get his license plate number.

I got home, and found one of the stairs to the 2nd floor
was broken. Whew. Nothing really bad, but I'm glad to be
home. I think I wont do much of anything tonight. It is
one of those stupid annoyances days....

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Tech Toy 2

Heh-heh. Didn't mean to disappear so much this week - but my
tech toys have eaten my life. Not such a horrible thing....

I am typing this blog in my brand spankin new 20 inch imac! I
have been saving for awhile to get one, and finally had enough on
Friday. My PC laptop has been dying for the last 6 months, and it
was a race to save enough before it croaked.

I had my first Apple computer in 1980, and switched to a PC for
work, about 12 years ago. Macs just kept getting cooler, and I
really wanted to get one so I could write music in GarageBand,
and make videos in imovie.

So far I've done nothing but install new programs and find
replacements for all my PC ones, so I could smoothly do the
Uncomfortable Questions podcast.

Needed new Skype, recording program, mp3 converters, and
sound editors. I think I found a set of programs that will work.
We'll find out next time I do a Skype interview.

I did an interview Saturday with another delightful podcaster
from Texas. I seem to have fallen in with the sex and relationship
podcaster crowd - he does a couple of podcasts on the subjects.
Makes for fun interviews :) I'm going to be on his show on Thursday
night - should be interesting.

There are high winds today, and so far 2 huge branches
from our tree out back have crashed down, doing a little damage
to the neighbor's garage. There is also a big tree down on the corner.
Hopefully the electrical wires hang in there today. Now that my
computer is set up, it is time to do something creative. I think I'll
write a new intro song for the show...

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Tech Toy 1

I finally got a new mobile phone! A new gold Razr. And spent all
last night playing with it, learning all the features, and how
to text message, take photos, and even made a little movie.

I love new toys. :) I don't have internet on it, just too
expensive and the last time I tried it, it was so bad and hard
to use I canceled the service. But the rest of the phone is
neat.

And best of all it works inside the house! The last phone
didn't so I had to go in the back yard to hear on it. (Even in
the winter!). I live in a really old house and the thick walls
or something makes most mobile phones not work in it.

I suppose it isn't as cool as Japanese cell phones, or the
new "iphone" that is supposed to come out in June. But I figure
I'll give that one a couple of years to get perfected before I
can afford one of those!

Other than that, the asthma and allergies just keep getting
worse, so I did some research and wandered off tonight to buy
some Homeopathic and Ayurvedic remedies that might help. It is
experimentation time. Western medicine is not helping much.
I tried 2 Homeopathic things an hour ago, and I already feel
better. One is for the congestion, and one is for tree pollen,
which I suspect it what is causing the problem at the moment.

Something has got to help, I rather like breathing....

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

The Big Questions

On the drive home from work, I started thinking about what
questions on my interview show no one had really come up with
much of an answer for. "What is reality?" has never been
addressed well.

I was wondering if I should have another roundtable show about
just that subject, like I did with "What is consciousness?"
I started thinking about who might be willing to take on that
subject.

I started thinking about new questions to ask, and it hit me.
"What is the Universe?" Now there is a big question. I thought
about it all the way home. I couldn't answer it. I could barely
even approach it. What is it? Where does it come from? Why is
it here? Where is it? What does it exist inside of?

What good are questions you can't even think about them? But
that you can ask the question? That doesn't make sense. If you
can conceive of the question, why can't you conceive of an
answer, even if only a poor one, or a partial one?

Most people can conceive of some kind of a vision for a God
force, but why does the brain fail in trying to wrap around
the Universe? That and eternity seem to be the places where
our brains really shut down. Why is that?

I'm going to have to ponder that one, a lot more. You can bet
it will show up on my Uncomfortable Questions show!