Thursday, May 31, 2007

All the worlds a stage

My dreams of a lazy summer are fading fast... Work is getting
very interesting. In a good way, but possibly very, very
challenging. I was really sort of hoping for some quieter
times where I could really get into summer activities.
I wonder if I will regret it?

I often wonder why I put so much into my work. I'm not going
to save the world, or anything. I give it everything I've got,
leaving little for myself. I suppose I wasn't doing anything
interesting, anyways. Sometimes I just don't understand
myself. I am essentially a rather lazy person, except when
it comes to work.

Then I'm like a daemon possessed. I forget about time, comfort,
everything outside, and work until my body fails.

I wish I could approach the other parts of my life with that
much dedication. Things like exercise, weight loss, fixing up
the house, learning new languages, personal interactions.
Those I blow off if they get too uncomfortable.

Maybe work is the only place where I truly can succeed.
Nothing else in my life has worked out so well. Maybe it just
helps me to forget the rest. I always feel a little empty at
all times. At parties, with friends, traveling, being creative,
looking at beautiful sunsets, all the times I should be having
a great time. I always feel a little unconnected, like I'm just
going through the motions of living, like a puppet, or an actor
saying my lines.

Like I should have been doing something other than this life.
This seems to be just a distraction or a weird experiment.
Even when I act passionate about everything, or appear to be
giddy or happy, or distraught, part of me wonders if I am just
acting.

Deep inside, I don't feel much of anything.

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