Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Under my blanket

Where do you think I've been? It was fricken -16 degrees F.
last night, with wind chills of -40. Coming home and going to
work in that, is nasty. It was a balmy -3 degrees coming home
tonight with windchills of only -20.

Mostly I get home, crawl under my blanket, and sit by the
wood stove, just wishing I could get warm. Winter is not
your friend. It is trying to kill you!

I forgot to mention that I did put up a show on Sunday.
It is a short one, a single question show that only got 3
answers, one of them I got out of a person wandering through
the house. Turns out, she's great, and I'm going to do a
full interview with her this weekend. Anyways, get the show
at www.uncomfortable-questions.com:
Exploring and Transcending the Me.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Punk bands and Spirituality

Oh my, the bands were fun, last night. I knew people in all
4 bands, and they gave some amazing sets. The bands were
MC/VL (my roommate's Rap band), Strut and Shock (kind of an 80's
punk band) The Birthday Suits (a very experimental punk band with
2 Japanese guys), and The Dynamiters (made up of members of
various other bands, their 1st gig, and boy were they good!)

I've been so stressed lately, and in the middle of the blindingly
fast set by the Birthday Suits, I felt the stress leaking away.
No wonder meditation doesn't work well for me. I need Punk!

I got to talk with my friend from Tokyo, always enjoyable! And
indeed, I saw many friends I haven't seen in months. I think we've
all been hibernating for the winter. Well, at least I have.

My cousin sent me a Astrological reading she did for me (she
is doing it professionally now). It was surprisingly accurate -
much more so than the other time I had a reading done. But it
boiled down to my life's purpose being that of "a teacher of
higher learning"

A few years ago, I got a book on discovering your purpose in life,
and when I had done all the worksheets, it came down to my
purpose being that of a "teacher". I think it is somewhat pompous
to think of oneself as a teacher (what the heck do I know about
life?), but when I look at my life actions, that is exactly what
I seem to do much of the time.

I very, very unconventional teacher, at that. When I run into
someone who could benefit from my kind of help, I figure out what
they really need, and do what I can. My methods are odd, what I
am teaching can be quite different from person to person. I do a
lot of training and sharing of information at work, too. When I
learn anything, my natural inclination is to "pass it on".

I wonder why one would be predisposed to do such a thing? In
evolutionary terms, what purpose does it serve? I shy away from
thinking of being a teacher in spiritual terms, because it implies
being better, or more "connected to the Gods" than other people.

I can learn from other people, but I still verify things myself,
and put my own personal spin on it. In the esoteric realm, I don't
take anyone's word for things. If you can't prove any of it, if you
are only going on intangibles and belief structure, I don't believe
that anyone can claim to "know the answers" any better than anyone
else. Spiritual belief structures have to be entirely personal to
be of any use.

Friday, January 25, 2008

A break in the action

Work was a little better this week, I feel like I'm making a little
headway. I just don't have a lot of energy left when I get home,
though. I've been ignoring email and my computer entirely at
night. The weather is even coming out of the brutal cold for a
few days, starting today, so it feels like getting a little
break.

Tonight, a bunch of bands of my friends are playing for the visit
of my friend from Tokyo (who we stayed with when we were there),
so I'll get to go out tonight and see a lot of people I haven't
seen in a long time. I'm looking forward to it!

I suppose tomorrow, I should put some kind of a show together.
I still have only had 1 reply to the last show's question, so it
may be a bit sparse. I still haven't decided how to go forward.
I guess for now, I'll just keep talking and see what happens.
I don't think I should make any big decisions in the grips of
the winter blahs.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Days from Hell

Ugh. It was one of those days. I just couldn't get my stuff
done and working, and the work just kept getting piled on.
My mood was a classic "got up on the wrong side of the bed".

I got crabbier and crabbier, and spent the rest of the day
fighting myself - so I wouldn't take it out on others.
I hate that. Then you end up battling yourself on top
of everything else.

I was also trying to diet again after slipping over the
holidays, and was fiercely starving all day.
Then I had to clean all the snow of the car in 6 degree
cold, and fight my way home on slippery, snowy roads.

I was so stressed out by the time I got home, I worked
out hard, to try to relax. It kind of worked, my muscles
are slowly letting the stress out. Here is to a better
tomorrow.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Huh?

O.K. Now time is officially going too fast. I just noticed
that it wasn't Monday anymore...

Work is the usual blur of insanity. I'm thinking a lot about
giving up my show. I don't know if it is because the new format
isn't working, I've only gotten 1 response to the last question
I posed, and I thought it was a really evocative one! Or maybe
it is just the overwork and tiredness talking.

I'll wait until the deadline of the 26th for responses, and if
I don't get any, I think I might hang it up for awhile. If no
one wants to discuss the big questions, I think maybe I should
just take more care of myself. My efforts to improve my health
are going nowhere, and maybe I should concentrate on that.

I don't know. I'll miss the show. I'm such a waffler. I can't
just make a clear decision. And now there are wind chill warnings
of 40 degrees below zero for tomorrow night... Ugh. Maybe the
problem is January.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Recovered, a bit.

It took me the entire weekend to calm my brain down from too much
work, and too much brain usage. My brain was still trying to go a
million miles a minute last night. Not conducive to sleeping!
Today was a much calmer day at work, and I'm starting to slow
down to a more normal pace.

I can do intense bursts like that, but I don't recommend them as
a way of life. (My last job proved that to me!) I did get back to
eating better and exercising over the weekend, after my last cold
cleared up. Time to get serious, my roommate is losing a ton of
weight and looking great! It is very motivating.

I'm trying some new experiments with a type of food that always
drops weight every time I eat it. Indian Curry, believe it or not.
I'm going to try to eat it for a week, and see what happens! You
are not supposed to lose weight on curry but I always do. Something
in the spices - tumeric, maybe? It also makes me feel quite good.
I'm also trying a certain brand of probiotics. I've suspected
I'm not absorbing my food, so I think I'm starving. Even if I eat
massively healthy, I don't seem to be getting nutrition out of it.

Otherwise, friend David dropped by, and I got a call from a long
lost cousin, and we had a nice chat getting caught up on our
lives. I think she was a little girl the last time I saw her. She
also filled me in on some family history, including the Cherokee
blood I was pretty certain was in there, that goes back to my great,
great grandmother. Kind of cool.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Whew!

It's Friday, and time to go home. I hope that was the worst of
it, and work will settle down a bit. Probably not. The next year
looks a little too exciting.

But I have the weekend to try to recover. Hopefully *try* is not
the operative word! Winter seems to be settling back in on us,
the rest of January looks like it will be pretty cold. I guess
it is time to settle in for the long grind until spring. Yuck!

I wonder if this is really how I want to be living my life.
Cold, tired, and overworked? I can't really see any options
to improve it at the moment. It isn't a bad life, it just could
be better. I like the money and the interesting work. But it
just seems like I'm missing something.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

What The?

So where have I been?
I got well, finally, 2 days ago, but...

Work hit a new level of "how can you possibly expect me to
do all that?". I've heard managers complain about budget time,
but I've never actually done one.

This time I ended up budgeting 5 projects at the last minute,
most of them I knew nothing about. (Others had to budget 1
project). This was all in addition to a zillion meetings and
another project in full swing, that I am leading.

I was interrupted every 2 seconds, whenever I actually tried to
do anything. And I was researching something, and reading papers
continuously. I came home every night this week so fried,
and achy, I was worthless for anything.

I've just had a big glass of wine, and I'm slowly returning
to human. I never want to do budgets again! Or head up 5
projects. (O.K., that part might not go away) This is nuts.
Can I retire now?

Sunday, January 06, 2008

A Lot of Nothing, but warm

Still sick. I felt worse this weekend than last week. This
cold just goes on and on and on. It is pretty mild, as colds
go, the main symptom is a huge amount of fatigue.

So it has been a very lazy weekend (Cay is still sick too).
We are working our way through the PS2 game, Tales of
the Abyss
, and enjoying it quite a lot. It is one of the very
few 2 player RPG games out there. We both like to game, and it
is really frustrating that the whole Role Playing game market
is set up for single players. Don't these people have friends,
or spouses?!

The big task this weekend was bathing both dogs, and shaving the
hair shorter on one of them. He had become a matted mess. That
was exhausting as heck and we had to take naps after that.
We did it this weekend because it was 44 degrees out there!
For January 6th, that is an amazing and wonderful thing.

We opened a couple of windows to let fresh air in the house,
and stood out on the back porch for 1/2 an hour and just soaked
up the sun. It felt so good.

Friday, January 04, 2008

More of the same...

And April should be a month of even more broken hardware for me....
This is the challenging part of my job, when the machines turn
against you. I'm always amazed when when finally beat them all
into shape.

Driving home yesterday, after reading an article about a 2 year
old who froze to death, got me thinking about the old "Why are
we here?" question. If there is a meaning and a reason for life,
I have the hardest time rectifying why babies and small children
die. Why were they born? What was their reason for being here?

I like to think that our "souls" (however you define that) choose
to be born at this time and place for some reason. To learn
something, or experience something. It becomes a darned impossible
philosophy, though, when you try to explain little babies dying.

For that matter, I can't explain why anyone dies, when they aren't
ready to go, no matter what their age. Explanations like "our
souls, or subconcious may have chosen to 'check out' of life"
doesn't sound right. Why wouldn't we get to participate in the
decision. I don't like the idea that something I can't control
would be making decisions behind my back. Then I just get crabby,
because my lovely philosophy wont fly.

So I kick it for awhile.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

A trail of broken hardware

Following yesterday's "1st 12 days of January" superstition,
March for me will be filled with broken hardware and hardware
that doesn't work the way you thought it did. What a day.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

The 12 days of What?

I read a friend's blog who has been living in South America for
the last year. He said that one of the superstitions there is
that the first 12 days of the new year tell you what your year
will be like. (January 1st tells you what January will be like,
January 2nd equates to February, and so on.)

Lets see. That means January I will be sick, fat, and on the
couch. In February, I will feel so-so, and be working hard and
fretting about how to get everything done....

Unless the next 10 days improve in a hurry, I may have to
ignore that little superstition! I believe in whatever gives
me a feeling of hope :) I'm sticking to my thought that if
I started the year sick, it will only get better from there.

It was weird being back at work after 11 days off. We were all
trying to figure out what we had been doing before we dashed
joyfully off for the long break. But after a couple of hours,
it was back in the rhythm, and the holiday was receeding from
fond memory. (The fact that it was -4 degrees F. this morning
did help to shock us back to reality.)

Other than that, I've been listening to "Holy Ghost" (the long
version) by the Bar Kays. I got it off of itunes yesterday,
and I think it may be the most perfect funk song, ever. Thanks
to my friend Joel for introducing it to me, about 2 years ago.
(Yeah, I just finally noticed I had written it in my pocket
calendar, and decided to go get it.)

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Now, where did I put that year?

2008. Should I feel something?

I'm having a hard time remembering what I did with 2007.
There was the trip to Japan, and....? A lot of work,
a lot of colds, a couple of business trips, and it was over.

After 1/2 century, the passage of time seems unremarkable,
except for a slight dread, that it will be over too soon.

I've always had a lot of goals for the New Year. Things I
wanted to do, achievements to be had, something to look forward
to, like a big trip or vacation. Or a vague hope for peace
and prosperity in the world. (I kind of miss idealism ....)

This year, there is nothing fun planned. Nothing to mark the
passage of time. No big goals or dreams. I really have to fix
that for next New Years. Ugh. Not a good way to live.

This year, my hope is survival. I will work hard to be as
healthy as I can, and make it to next New Years.
It gets pretty simple after a while.